Time to decide: Which Westeros couple are you most like?
Valentine’s Day had everyone feeling warm and fuzzy, so let’s see if your relationship resembles one of the many couples from Game Of Thrones. But there’s quite a few you don’t want to be like ...
WITH Valentine’s Day still casting a warm glow across everyone, it’s time to think about your similarity to couples on the world’s favourite TV show — Game Of Thrones.
Scan down our list and see which one of these couples you are most like — if you dare!
THE ARRANGED MARRIAGE
Ned and Catelyn Stark
Theirs was an alliance to bring the Houses of Stark and Tully together. As she tells eldest son Robb: “Your father didn’t love me when we married. He hardly knew me or I him. Love didn’t just happen to us. We built it slowly over the years, stone by stone.”
Sure, there was the whole issue of Jon Snow, where he lied about his sister’s son and she hated what she thought was Ned’s bastard but, apart from that, they were pretty happy and raised a bunch of smart children.
Yes, most of the kids have been killed, Ned and his head got separated and Catelyn was stabbed to death (only to rise as some weird zombie called Lady Stoneheart in the books) but, apart from that, it’s been happy days.
THE PURCHASED WIFE
Daenerys and Khal Drogo
She was sold to Drogo by her scheming older brother Viserys as part of a plan to regain the throne of Westeros. After getting off to a bad start, where Drogo raped her on the wedding night, they actually began to connect and even developed love for each other. Then he got an infected cut and she suffocated him rather than drag him around like a useless lump. But she still dreams about him and the son she sacrificed to try and save him, so it is sort of romantic.
THE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS
Jon Snow and Ygritte
These two are the Romeo and Juliet of Westeros. He was sworn to protect the realm against the Wildlings (and never take a wife or have a child) and she was a Wildling who wanted to slaughter the Night Watch. Then she introduced him to the Wildling equivalent of hot tubbing and he introduced her to oral sex and they were off and romping. Well, at least until she pumped him full of arrows when he headed back to the Night Watch and then she died in his arms during the battle for Castle Black. You knew it couldn’t end well ...
THE PROSTITUTE AND THE DWARF
Tyrion and Shae
He is a vertically-challenged minor son of the Lannisters who rose (well, sort of) to be Hand Of The King, while she was a prostitute hired to shag him like it was his last day on earth. Strangely, it seemed to work. They appeared to love each other and even protected Sansa Stark together for a while. Then he sent her away to keep her safe and she ran off to sleep with his father. So he strangled her and put a crossbow bolt into his dad’s black heart while Tywin Lannister was on the dunny. You’d have to say this relationship wasn’t flush with love.
THE EUNUCH AND THE SLAVE
Grey Worm and Missandei
They bonded over a shared hatred of slavers and love of Daenerys. She enjoyed watching him put on armour and he enjoyed watching her bathe. She taught him the Common Tongue in season four and then they shared tongues in season five. It was kind of sweet but seeing as he had his knackers chopped off when a toddler, it does appear to be a little lacking in the physical department. Still, he does like to cuddle, at least.
THE KING AND HIS CHAMPION
Renly and Loras
One of the nicest relationships on the show was between Renly Baratheon and Ser Loras Tyrell. Renly was in line for the throne and Loras was one of the realm’s greatest swordsmen, who even defeated Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane. Together they appeared unstoppable. Sure, there was the whole business of Renly being forced to marry Loras’s sister Margaery and somehow get her pregnant but they could have got past that. At least, until Melisandre conjured a demon baby that killed Renly. It was too good to last ...
THE ANGRY MAN AND THE COLD LADY
Stannis and Selyse
Their most heartwarming moment came as they watched Melisandre burn their beloved daughter Shireen at the stake to guarantee victory over the Bolton army. That’s how good a relationship these two had. Between her encouraging him to have sex with the Red Witch Melisandre and then keeping their stillborn children in jars of alcohol in her room, it was a complicated love affair. Perhaps it was best that she finally lost her mind and killed herself and he got chopped into pieces by Brienne of Tarth.
THE BROTHER AND SISTER
Jaime and Cersei
Let’s face it, we do hope none of you are like this couple. Their relationship is wrong, on so many levels. Putting aside the incest (now there’s a phrase you don’t often write), they enjoy such fun games as throwing small children off the top of towers and having sex next to the body of their dead incestuous son. They do appear to be truly, madly, deeply, sickly in love. But that might change in season seven, as he hates anyone who blows up King’s Landing and she did just that in the season six finale.
THE CLIMBER AND THE MADMAN
Joffre and Margaery
She desperately wanted to be Queen and was happy to marry first a gay man (Renly) and then a madman (Joffre). He was everything bad about Cersei and Jaime built into one incestuous package. She was actually quite kind to people. Opposites certainly attract. But when he wasn’t killing prostitutes, running from battles or torturing animals, he was making a mess of the country, so it couldn’t last. Wisely her dear old grandma poisoned the little brat so she got to marry his younger brother Tommen, instead. That was much happier, right up until the point she got blown up by an angry Cersei and he threw himself out of a window. Oh dear ...
THE SCHEMER AND THE CUCKOO
Littlefinger and Lysa
Strangely, there is a couple who made even Jaime and Cersei look (relatively) normal. Lysa likes to breastfeed her teenage son while Petyr lusts after Sansa, the teenage daughter of his old flame Catelyn. Then Lysa falls for Petyr and agrees to poison her husband so he can start the War Of The Five Kings. When they finally get together, she completely loses the plot and goes more cuckoo than an entire Swiss clock shop, so he chucks her out of the Moon Gate at the top of their tower. When you’re about 500 metres up, even a ladder to chaos isn’t going to save you. Still, it gave him the knights of the Vale, which saved Jon Snow’s arse and finished off Ramsay Bolton, so it wasn’t all bad.
THE SADIST AND THE PSYCHO
Ramsay and Myranda
Before the tiresome couple in 50 Shades Of Grey there was this pair of sadomasochistic nutbags. They love to hunt people through the woods and watch their dogs tear them to pieces and, in their lighter moments, torture Theon Greyjoy. If they had had a child, it would have made Melisandre’s demon baby look like a cuddly puppy. In between skinning people alive and raping Sansa, Ramsay found time to romp with the kennel master’s daughter. She liked to bite him and hurt other people, so it was obvious what they saw in each other. Thank goodness both ended up dead.
THE WOLF AND THE NURSE
Robb and Talisa
And now for a relatively normal couple. She likes to help people, he just wanted to rule kindly and wisely and protect the north from the Lannister nutbags (see above). They weren’t supposed to marry but she was hot and he was promised to a Frey girl, who tended to look like, well, Walda Frey. George RR Martin described her as a pink butterball with watery eyes and limp hair. Contrast that with Talisa, who could be described as pert or perky, or both at the same time. Watching them together gave you a sense that all was well with the world. Which was why she got stabbed about 20 times in her pregnant belly and he got his melon cut off and replaced by a wolf’s head.
THE STEPDAD AND THE ORPHAN
Sam and Gilly
She was the incestuous daughter of the evil Craster, forced to give birth to an incestuous son that Craster would sacrifice to the White Walkers. He was the chubby coward who was sent to join the Night Watch because his father hated him. That’s not a good start but they have grown into a beautiful couple. He saved Gilly and her baby (Little Sam) from a White Walker and stood up to Night Watchmen with rape on their mind. She gave him backbone and a little hot loving in the frozen castle. Now he’s determined to protect her and she’s determined to help him become a Maester. Compared to the rest of the bizarre couples on Westeros, they are beautiful. Long may they live ...
So who do you see yourself as? Probably none of them as, let’s face it, Westeros is enough to put you off love forever.
And who will actually make it to the end of the show as a couple? Probably not many of them ...
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