It’s a measure of her desperation that my wife implores me to call my ex-girlfriend. “I have to know,” she says. “Did you also do it with her?” Believe it or not, my wife isn’t talking about some grisly kink or unwholesome sexual affliction. What she’s referring to is the blood-curdling noise of my snoring.

Reluctantly, I make the call and discover that, in fact, I didn’t snore with my ex. These nightly impersonations of a congested walrus are, it seems, just another bad habit that I’ve acquired during married life. This revelation does not improve my wife’s sleep-deprived mood.