Vaping or cigarettes? They both taste pretty good (but are very bad for you)

The last time I quit vaping it was my best attempt yet. My secret? One cigarette a day.

Vapes, packaged like chocolate bars and lollies, taste as good as they look. Picture: Christian Gilles

The most recent time I attempted to quit vaping was undoubtedly my best. I lasted a whole month before sliding into recidivism.

My trick? One cigarette a day.

If you’re laughing, go ahead. It sounds funny: “Out with the new, in with the old”. But, it’s the habit I’m trying to quit, the nicotine can come later.

When you’ve vaped as long as I have (on and off since before the pandemic hit) it becomes ubiquitous with everyday life. It’s one of the first things you do when you wake up and one of the last things before you go to sleep.

Because you can do it indoors – without leaving the truly delicious smell of cigarette smoke attached to furniture, or brown patches on the ceiling – vaping becomes an easy compromise for those of us who share the nicotine death drive.

Some of you may be asking “wait, wasn’t vaping made illegal?” or “how are there any vapes left, the government says they’ve seized trillions and trillions worth of them?” To you I say HA!

They are everywhere. You can buy them from almost every convenience store looking to make an extra buck, and there are places along main strips in every city flaunting their candy-flavoured wares. Last week I bought one at a store on Swanston Street in the heart of Melbourne. Like having to tap on your myki transport card, vapes are illegal in name only.

This guy gets it. Picture: Richard Dobson

At the tram stop, myself and the bloke next to me are going at our respective smoky lollipops; I’m in the MCG toilets and there’s a bunch of us having a crack, delicately balancing two tasks with both hands while at the trough urinals; walking down any street; at any pub, you’ll see them. It’s the habit that gets you.

Cigarettes are probably preferable at this stage, anyway. It’s more of an event. You have to go outside, you can feel like you’ve earned it, and you undoubtedly smoke less. And that has to be worth something, right? Less is less.

Now, of course, cigarettes are really bad for you. Evidence suggests vaping, often used as a way to quit smoking, is less harmful, posing “a small fraction of the risks of smoking” per UK experts quoted by the NHS.

What none of these eggheads seem to consider, however, is the sheer use of a vape if you’re addicted. Surely one cigarette a day can’t be worse? The mini-panic when you lose your vape is ridiculous, but it happens. I’ve desperately searched under couch cushions and been up to my elbows in bins before realising my vape was in my pocket.

What these eggheads also fail to understand, in my opinion, is just how cool smoking is. Watch Robert De Niro in Casino, for example, and tell me you don’t want his life (before the gangster stuff goes to shit of course) with a straight face. I truly believe we lost something as a society when we stopped smoking on aeroplanes. Maybe it’s just because I hadn’t been born yet, but I long for the time. Bali was a revelation, I’ll say that much.

But, alas, my health. As a diabetic, smoking increases chances of x, y and z happening to me. But how do I balance that with the wish to enjoy myself? Any and all ideas are welcome.

Unfortunately, I’m one of those stereotypes who believes they can quit without too much fuss, but I just don’t want to. I like smoking and vaping, simple as that.

Leave me alone, don’t tread on me. But I do hope I last longer next time.

Originally published as Vaping or cigarettes? They both taste pretty good (but are very bad for you)