Golf GTI: Jeremy Clarkson review

The mad rush towards an EV world has left the venerable German brand in dire trouble. And if they go, the brilliant new Golf GTI will go with them.

Sublime: the Golf GTI 2.0-litre TSI 265

There are lots of jobs I wouldn’t want. Chiselling fatbergs from the sewage tunnels under London. Doing mountain rescue in the Cairngorms. Playing professional golf. But the job I wouldn’t want most of all right now is running Volkswagen. Because everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. And there doesn’t seem to be any simple way of making everything better again.

The problem began when every politician in Europe decided that climate change would be halted only if the middle classes could be persuaded to drive electric cars. So they all announced that from 2030 it would be illegal to sell cars with petrol or diesel engines. And to get the ball rolling, Nigel and Annabel and all the other early adopters would be given generous government subsidies.

Understandably VW decided that to capitalise on this seismic shift in how we all move about, it should invest all its money in a new range of electric cars. Which came on to the market at pretty much the same time Nigel and ­Annabel realised that electric cars are not terribly convenient because it takes hours to charge them up and there aren’t enough places where this can be done. And to make ­matters worse, various governments decided that, actually, the money set aside to help Nigel and Annabel get the ball rolling would be better spent on hard-working families in the community.

So VW ended up with a range of new electric cars that were very ­expensive, and that no one really wanted anyway. And there was ­another problem, too. China. For a million obvious reasons, electric cars can be made in China for a lot less than they can in Europe. Now you might say that everyone would far rather have a VW than some battery-powered box from a ­company called BYD (which stands, revoltingly, for Build Your Dreams). But I wonder about that. Most people in the market for an ­electric car aren’t really interested in cars in the historical sense. All they want is a low price and a long range. And BYD is offering that.

So there you are at VW’s headquarters in Wolfsburg, sitting at the top of the boardroom table, and you’ve got to sort out this mess. You’ve spent all your money on cars that are too expensive and powered by tech that most people don’t really want. Hybrids, yes. But pure electric? Nah. Not unless it’s really cheap.

There’s talk now that the German government wants to put higher tariffs on Chinese imports, but VW is opposed to this because China would retaliate, which would make Volkswagens in Beijing cost more than space rockets.

Inside the Golf GTI

The only solution is to make savings. It’s been reported that, for the first time in the company’s history, factories may have to close and mass redundancies will be necessary. And this isn’t possible, really, as Germany has feverishly powerful laws on workers’ rights.

Honestly, I think VW is screwed and all the traditional western ­carmakers are too. Ford. General Motors. And while it was sensible for Fiat, Peugeot and Chrysler to band together and concentrate on hybrids rather than pure electric cars, I think this basket of yesteryear brands is screwed as well. A combination of Chinese economic power, here-today-gone-­tomorrow politicians and a mad sense that we can all work from home mean that, in 20 years or maybe less, only boutique European carmakers will still be around. People will always want a Ferrari.

I don’t blame VW for the mess it’s in. Every decision it has taken looked sensible at the time. But as I sit here now, in a cloud of hindsight, I can’t help feeling a bit sad. Especially as I was reminded just last week how good VW used to be when it did what it was ­supposed to do: make cars to suit the market, not to suit the whims of half a dozen mad politicians.

I had the latest Golf GTI on test – and let’s not forget that this icon was born back in 1976, not because a politician said it would be a good idea to fuel-inject the engine, but because the world was emerging from the grimy monochrome 1970s into the technicolour 1980s and people were up for a bit of fun.

I’ve argued for 40 years that the hot hatchback was the cleverest car ever invented. Oh sure, the two-seat convertible is fun and the Lamborghini Aventador is hilarious, but the best sort of car is the hot hatch. Because it’s fairly cheap, and fast. Really fast in some cases. It’s also sensible. You really can use it to take the children to school and pick up a bench from the garden centre, and then you can come back from the pub in it like your trousers are on fire. No type of car is quite so versatile.

Body styling on the GTI

We could debate which was the best of the breed for hours. The Lancia Delta Integrale is a candidate. So is the Ford Escort Cosworth. And we can’t ignore the Peugeot 205, which was once ­favoured by every real estate agent in southwest London. But for me, the Golf GTI has always worn the crown. Now there’s a new version. Well, a newish version. VW couldn’t afford to make a completely new one as it had spent all its money on lithium and cobalt and various other rare elements. But newish will do for me.

It’s often been quite hard to tell the difference, at a quick glance, between the ordinary Golf and the faster GTI. Not with this one. It looks properly racy, and when you turn it on the difference is even more apparent. It may have only a 2.0-litre turbo under the bonnet, but it sounds like a speeded-up drum solo, like it’s raring to go.

Some people criticised the last Golf GTI, the Mk8, saying it was a bit too harsh and sharp for everyday cruising. And they’ll probably say the same about this one. It does feel like it’s a bit cross most of the time, but on the roads where I live it was sublime. I truly loved driving it.

It probably helped that my test car had £700 worth of electronic suspension control, but then again, my experience of these systems means that it probably didn’t. I bet the standard car is just as good.

Speaking of which. The price. The car I tested, which had the aforementioned electronic stuff, a sunroof and 19in wheels, is listed in the UK at £43,830. Which is just about OK. But a standard car is only £39,400. And that seems to me to be extremely good value for a gung-ho, five-seater hatchback that can do 250km/h and can be refuelled in about 90 seconds. Build Your Dreams? Volkswagen has been doing that for years. But for how much longer, I wonder.

Volkswagen Golf GTI 2.0-litre TSI 265

ENGINE: 2.0-litre, four-cylinder, turbo petrol

PERFORMANCE: 0-100km/h 5.9 sec, top speed 250km/h

PRICE: GTI range from $56,090

JEREMY’S RATING: ★★★★