Audi SQ2 review: I’d rather cycle

Audi’s new souped-up SUV is overpriced, dull and bumpy as hell. Any takers?

Audi SQ2.

Whenever something green and lefty and right-on is suggested these days, it is always adopted, because anyone who opposes the plan is obviously a fascist. That’s why, when a scheme was mooted in London to create a two-lane cycle superhighway from Notting Hill Gate to Wood Lane via Shepherd’s Bush, I was sure the council would sagely nod and approve it straight away; after all, cycle lanes are seen as a lifeline for the planet and nothing can stand in the way of their clematis-like crawl over the entire country.

But guess what? Kensington and Chelsea Borough Council said no. It actually listened to the objections of residents and traders, and rejected the scheme completely. What’s more, it rejected it before the period of public consultation was over. I don’t think I’ve heard of a council making a sensible decision in the past. I reckon it could be a first.

Supporters of the plan, though, have gone berserk. Dr Will Norman, London’s first “Walking and Cycling Commissioner”, called the decision a “disgrace” and said “people will die” as a result of it. His job title is a puzzler, though: why do we need someone to tell us how to do things that we all mastered as very small children? Maybe he’s employed to look after the needs of those who can’t afford a car. But do we have a “Driving Commissioner” to look after the interests of motorists? Of course not, because he’d turn up for work every day in a fascist uniform.

Anyway, Norman, you’re going to have to move on now. Try Italy. I bet they’d love your ideas there. There are more than 100km of cycle lanes in Rome and all of them, all day long, are full of small Fiats.

I haven’t started reviewing this week’s car yet. I’m aware of that. And I’m delaying the moment on purpose. Because there just isn’t that much to say about it. Eight hundred words on an Audi SQ2? Not possible. It’d be easier to write 800 words about the exact shade of beige used on hearing aids.

The SQ2 is a hatchback that’s been raised to create a sort of SUV and lowered again to make it sporty. I’m not sure this type of car has a name yet. A soufflé? That’d work.

The engine is a 2-litre turbo. The same 2-litre turbo that’s fitted to just about every car in the entire Volkswagen Group line-up. In the SQ2, it produces 221kW, and that means it’s fast. Very fast, actually. So fast that, in a drag race, it’ll rip the doors off a much racier-looking Honda Civic Type R.

It handles well, too. I’m not saying it’s fun or enjoyable in any way, but, thanks to fat tyres and a four-wheel-drive system that moves the power backwards and forwards depending on conditions and how much you’ve turned the steering wheel, it clings on nicely, even if you’re using a lot of grunt.

On the outside it’s not a bad-looking car, but on the inside, I dunno, it feels a bit dated. And cramped. And they haven’t lined the door pockets, so everything you put in there rattles. And that’s not on in a car costing a colossal amount of money for what, when all’s said and done, is a small 2-litre hatchback.

I simply cannot think of anyone I’ve ever met who’d be interested in such a car. Yes, there are plenty who’d want a little, pretty and zippy Audi, but not one that costs about the same as a BMW 5-series. But let’s just say that somewhere out there is a man whose life has been leading up to the SQ2. It’s what he’s always wanted. Well, I’m afraid he’s going to be disappointed, because it’s idiotically bumpy. It’s so bad that, on one minor road surface irregularity, a can of fizzy pop damn nearly jumped out of the cupholder.

I don’t know why Audi keeps sending me its souped-up SUVs, because I’ve never yet given one of them a good review. The SQ7, I said, is a car that no one either wants or needs. And I concluded my review of the SQ5 by saying that I drove it for one day and then went to the Crimean peninsula to hide until someone took it away.

The SQ2 is similarly depressing. It’s too expensive, too bouncy, not exciting enough and the seats don’t really hold you in place properly. So I think it’s probably best if we finally draw a line under the idea of a sporty SUV. Because there can be no such thing. I mean, you could put me on a bicycle but that wouldn’t make me want to chop down every tree that gets in my way, would it? Or is it a bit fascist to say that?

AUDI SQ2

Engine: 2.0-litre turbo-petrol four-cylinder (221kW/400Nm)

Average fuel 7.2 litres per 100km

Transmission: Seven-speed dual-clutch automatic, all-wheel drive

Price: From about $60,000; Australian release yet to be confirmed

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars