Strewth: The pub test

Here’s a lesson for the Canberra Bubble™: it’s probably not a good idea to hold a long lunch at the pub in the middle of a pandemic.

Does it pass the pub test?

Here’s a lesson for Canberra Bubble™ public servants: it’s probably not a good idea to hold a long lunch at the pub in the middle of a pandemic. Spinners from the department of Prime Minister and Cabinet took a trip to Capital Brewing Co in Fyshwick on the Thursday before Halloween. The trendy taproom serves 10 local beers (stout, pilsner, New England IPA, blackcurrant American wheat, sour ale, schwarzbier and IPAs) and Brodburgers from a food van. We’re told around 40 people were invited to pop in between noon and 3pm on their lunch break, with a table booked for three hours. Scott Morrison’s department insists it was not an official event, and no taxpayer money was spent. “Some members of the PM&C Communications Branch attended a team lunch in October during their lunch break, with staff attending at different times to ensure the workplace remained staffed,” a spokesman said. Was any alcohol consumed? “The department does not keep records of staff orders at non-official events. All staff are expected to abide by the APS Values and Code of Conduct,” according to the tight-lipped department. That’s not a no! Strewth isn’t implying that hardworking mandarins shouldn’t get a break from their seven-hour, 36-minute of work. However, at the same time PM&C were getting on the beers, locked down Victorians could only leave their house for one hour a day and had a COVID curfew of 8pm.

Pop the bubble

Devastating news for pollies praying for a soak after a long sitting year — the Parliament House spa reno has been put on hold! The call-out for offers to remove the existing spa (located next to the pool in the gym) and manufacture and install a new one was met with tradie stone silence. Another MYEFO saving for Josh Frydenberg. Not one hot-tub manufacturer put up their hand (or tools) to take on the tender. And no, it’s not because of the price. The Department of Parliamentary Services didn’t set a figure because they wanted the market to decide. Not the best idea given what the government ended up paying for that patch of Western Sydney Airport land. APH’s “total new capital appropriation for 2019-20” is $50m. Who knew taxpayer-funded rest and relaxation was a core essential in these JobSeeker/Lover/Keeper times! When we asked about the on-water matter in October, we were told: “After 17 years unsurprisingly equipment in the Health and Recreation Centre needs to be replaced. As with any ageing infrastructure the costs for maintenance increase and the deterioration of materials can create a health hazard.” Is that why politicians always find themselves in hot water?

Piano man

A musical apology to Labor’s Josh Burns, who we misplaced from last week’s mention of Tony Burke’s band Left Right Out. Anthony Albanese offered this critique of the pub rock crooners during his valedictory to 2020: “To those opposite who haven‘t had the opportunity to hear this band, don’t feel bad about that! If ever you’re wondering what the noise is coming out of corridors on a Tuesday night, I recommend walking to the outer corridor!” But back to Burns, the member for the Melbourne seat of Macnamara. He spent Daniel Andrews’ second lockdown learning how to twinkle the ivories and wax lyrical. “On the first day of Christmas the PM sent to thee, 30 million for a piece of land that was only worth three,” Burns sung in the House of Representatives last week. “On the second day of Christmas the PM’s plans were set, Mathias Cormann jobseeking on his own private jet. On the third day of Christmas the PM gave WA, teaming up with Clive Palmer to soothe their border closures away. On the fourth day of Christmas the PM sent away, Tony Abbott and Alexander Downer while leaving stranded families at bay.” Sick burn! The ghosts of Coalition scandals past, present and future covered Scott Morrison’s post-Hawaii hose and handshake-gate; Bridget McKenzie’s sports rorts spreadsheet; the $5m COVIDSafe app (and the handful of people it’s found); and Stuart Robert’s $1.2b robodebt settlement (a program invited by Bob Hawke, right Chop Stuey?). “A year that belongs in the bin,” Burns concluded. Hear hear!

ScoMo's 12 Scandals of Christmas #auspol pic.twitter.com/dyqDkG0j1x

— Josh Burns (@joshburnsmp) December 10, 2020

It’s academic

Is Mathias Cormann’s replacement Ben Small trying to intimidate his new colleagues? The 32-year-old has included his year 12 exam results from Bunbury Cathedral Grammar on his official Senate profile. “Graduating TER 99.75 with citation to the BCGS Honour Board, General Merit & Citizenship with Bar Awards, 2005,” it says. The WA Lib also lists winning the Australian Student’s Certificate of Excellence, the Peter Muirhea d Prize, Captain Thomas Swanson Prize and graduating twice as the “Dux of Class” from the UTas. Looks like the Parliamentary Friends of Pub Trivia has just found their next team captain!

It’s a small world.

Run the world

Congratulations to Gladys Berejiklian. The NSW Premier was the most searched Australian politician in 2020, thanks to her ICAC secret-sex-partner Daryl Maguire (the man she wanted to marry, who had a key to her house but she was NOT in a relationship with). Every bond you break, every search you make, Google Analytics will be watching you. Berejiklian was the No 3 public figure that Quiet Australians looked up this year, behind former AFL coach Dani Laidley and comedian Celeste Barber. Fourth was Cardinal George Pell, followed by bullied Murri boy Quaden Bayles, light(weight) enthusiast Pete Evans, Lawyer X Nicola Gobbo and Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton. Unfortunately for Glad Bags, she didn’t make the World’s 100 Most Powerful Women compiled by Forbes Magazine. German chancellor Angela Merkel topped that list, with No 2 European Central Bank boss Christine Lagarde and US Vice President-elect Kamala Harris third. Jacinda Ardern, Oprah Winfrey, Reese Witherspoon, Taylor Swift and Beyonce also made the cut. There were only two Aussies — No 29 was Macquarie Group CEO Shemara Wikramanayake and at No 45 mining magnate Gina Rinehart — just one spot ahead of Queen Elizabeth II.

Gladys nearly Christmas.

The walking bread

What was the No 1 recipe googled Down Under in the year of our virus? Hand sanitiser. Yum! Followed by sourdough, beef stroganoff, spag bol, doughnuts, crumpets, macarons, Anzac biscuits, banana bread and whipped coffee. All you knead for a third wave.

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