Strewth: Son of a biscuit

BoJo and ScoMo had an e-hook up late on Monday, where the Quiet Australian became the first recipient of the British Policy Exchange’s Grotius Prize.

Four flagger.

The daggy dad double act is back!

BoJo and ScoMo had an e-hook up late on Monday, where the Quiet Australian became the first recipient of the British Policy Exchange’s Grotius Prize.

Named after Hugo Grotius (1583 – 1645), the think tank gave the inaugural award to locked-in-The-Lodge Scott Morrison “in recognition of his work in support of the international rules based order”.

Cut to father of at least six, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, unmuted on the laptop mic.

“It gives me great pleasure to congratulate my friend Scott Morrison on winning the Policy Exchange Grotius Prize and goodness Grotius me, you might say,” the UK Prime Minister toffed from his own self iso in Number 10.

“And listen, I mean, all the historical rivalry between our two countries, whether between the fans of (Harold) Larwood or (Don) Bradman or Jonny Wilkinson versus the Wallabies in 2003, the hysterical partisans of marmite or vegemite, there is a huge amount that unites us and that we do together.”

Just like a yeast extract, he was on a roll.

“And, of course, there is also the small matter of free trade and I am delighted that we are doing a deal that I hope we will be able to conclude.

“A deal that will see, finally, the people of Britain able to access the supplies of Tim Tam chocolate biscuits in the quantities that we need and the people of Australia are able to get Penguins in exchange.”

As long as they don’t get their hands on our Monte Carlos.

Brothers from another mother(land).

Common people

Mystery still surrounds the two hours between Gladys Berejiklian’s COVID test and negative result.

But her office has confirmed the Premier voted on the floor of state parliament after her Covid test, before she got her result.

Mon dieu! A job for the little grey cells of moustache-twirling Hercule Poirot, we thinks.

Test was approx 4:00pm.
Vote was approx 5:40pm.
Result was approx 6:00pm.#nswpol https://t.co/msTdYCyf4y

— Alex Hart (@alexhart7) November 24, 2020

South Australia certainly can’t spare any gum shoes — at least 40-odd officers are involved in the investigation of pizza gate. (Yes, 40!)

“I haven’t popped the cork on the champagne bottle yet but the champagne is on ice,” SA Chief Health Officer Nicola Spurrier gloated.

Back to glad bags — the NSW Health advice is that you must go home and self-isolate until the results are in. But that’s just for us plebs right, not people like the NSW Premier!

“I didn’t change my schedule, perhaps I should have,” Berejiklian confessed. “But the facts were an ordinary person probably wouldn’t have needed the test at all. In hindsight I should’ve closed my door and not had anything to do with anybody.”

And: “I knew my voice would be going and I wanted to say with confidence to people that I had taken the precaution.”

Why did the Premier think people would ask her if she had no scratchy throat symptoms?

Also: “I still haven’t hugged my parents … since February. I haven’t let anyone touch me.” Anyone since she and secret boyfriend Daryl Maguire broke up in August, or was it September?

After news broke Annastacia Palaszczuk helpfully tweeted this reminder: “If you’re sick, stay home and immediately arrange a test.”

And Bill Shorten went full one ring of steel to rule them all: “It’s only a couple of hours. I mean, I just wonder what meeting did she have, which was so earth-shatteringly important you couldn’t wait a couple of hours.”

Quick, someone kill a koala!

Glad to hear you just lost your voice.

Hunt or be hunted

Q: “Is a scratchy throat and a loss of voice asymptomatic?”

Health Minister Greg Hunt: “One of the things that Brendan Murphy said to me very early on, I’m the doctor, you’re the policy adviser and the decision maker; don’t give medical advice, Greg.”

Slip, slop, slap

Labor frontbencher Jim Chalmers umm’d and ahh’d about going public with his skin cancer discovery.

“Last week I became one of around 16,000 Australians diagnosed with skin cancer this year. I’d mentioned to my doctor in passing that a darker than usual mole had appeared on my chest. Subsequent tests showed it was a melanoma,” the 42-year-old, father of three said.

“I’m now booked in for some further surgery on Thursday, but I’ll be stitched up and ready to go soon after.”

You heard him, get your skin checked folks.

Thanks @ash_gillon for the opportunity to remind people to have their skin checked regularly #auspol pic.twitter.com/ywUhY8z7eO

— Jim Chalmers MP (@JEChalmers) November 24, 2020

What a quokka

In 2004, a Perth teen handed a business card to then prime minister John Howard which read: “Zak R.F. Kirkup, Young Liberal, Future Prime Minister”.

How precocious!

The now 33-year-old first term state MP survived an anonymous “woman problem” (read: problem with men) shit sheet and was elected unopposed to lead the cannon fodder WA Liberals into battle in 108 days.

Australia’s most popular Premier Mark McGowan has revealed Labor’s campaign theme song is ACDC’s Thunderstruck.

Kirkup is the youngest opposition leader in the country (followed by 36-year-old Country Liberal Lia Finocchiaro in the NT and 37-year-old Tasmanian Labor leader Rebecca White) and is in a relationship with Jenna Clarke, the assistant editor of the state’s only newspaper The West Australian.

Which is, of course, owned by Kerry Stokes’ Seven West Media.

This is the “future PM” business card Zak Kirkup handed to John Howard when he was still in high school. @Gary_Adshead kept it in his archive for years. Its appears @zrfk will take the leadership of the @LiberalsWA in the next few hours. @9NewsPerth pic.twitter.com/WaosVt4BdK

— Adam Haynes (@9haynesy) November 24, 2020

Gobble gobble

Americans are heading back to the polls to vote on which bird they would like Donald Trump to spare at this year’s Thanksgiving Turkey Pardoning Ceremony.

The White House tweeted that both broad-breasted white turkeys were born on July 2.

“Corn” weighs in at 19kg and has a wingspan of 89cm. Favourite snack? Sweet corn. Personality type? Chatty. Favourite sport? College football. Favourite pastime? Storm chasing. Corn’s goals are to visit the Iowa State Fair and perfect the high jump.

“Cob” clucks in at 18.5kg with a wing span of 86cm. The “Type A” turkey likes soybeans, pickleball, solving puzzles and wants to see the monuments in Washington, DC.

We’re sure whatever the result, the loser will demand a recount.

Ac-corn-ing to The New York Post, the Iowa fowls have been staying at a swanky Washington D.C. hotel.

Only one will appear with the outgoing President at the Rose Garden but neither will go pluck themselves; both are headed for retirement where they’ll have nothing but thyme.

Which turkey should President Trump pardon at this year's National Thanksgiving Turkey Pardoning Ceremony—Corn or Cob?

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) November 23, 2020

Biden time

Here’s a linguistic lesson from The Apprentice star on how to concede without conceding.

“Our case STRONGLY continues, we will keep up the good fight, and I believe we will prevail!” Trump tweeted. “Nevertheless, in the best interest of our Country, I am recommending that Emily (Murphy) and her team do what needs to be done with regard to initial protocols, and have told my team to do the same.”

Final word to Countdown’s Dictionary Corner logophile Susie Dent: “Word of the Day is ‘snollygoster’ (19th century, US): one who abandons all integrity in favour of power.”

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