I don’t care if I’m elitist – some tourists are too tasteless to travel

It costs roughly a thousand dollars to fly to Japan. Throw a few thousand more on accommodation, a Japan rail pass and then sacrifice 10 precious days of annual leave to go on holiday. Sit on a plane for nine hours, fly halfway around the world and, congratulations, you’re in Japan, a country with some of the best food on the planet.

So what do you eat? Fries from a clown.

McDonald’s in Tokyo’s Shinjuku district, where there are plenty of other places to eat.Credit: iStock

At least, that’s what the couple who had mistakenly sat in my Shinkansen seats were eating on the train from Tokyo to Kanazawa. They were adamant that they were in the right seats until I pointed out they were on the wrong train, hurtling away from their destination at 320 kilometres an hour.

I watched these tourists blaze through five stages of grief in seconds. First came denial as they tried to convince me that I was the one on the wrong train. Next, anger, as they looked at me like it was somehow my fault. Bargaining came and went quickly after I assured them there was nothing I could do to help them. After a brief bout of depression, they accepted their fate and vacated my seats.

While these tourists might have left, the smell of their food lingered – it was the stench of a “proprietary blend of ingredients” that smells the same wherever you are in the world.

The whiff of McDonald’s remained in the bullet train’s carriage.Credit: iStock

It was a nauseating reminder that some tourists are too tasteless to travel. I don’t care how elitist it makes me sound or how homesick you were after spending two weeks away from all the comforts you couldn’t possibly live without. If you come to Japan and find yourself beneath the golden arches, you need to take a long, hard look at your reflection in that greasy wrapper.

I’ve been to an abundance of bad restaurants on my travels. In some, I’ve eaten food you would describe as geological. Others have taken so long that I assumed they fought my meal to the death in the kitchen before it ended up on my plate. Ultimately, I’ve paid far too much for much too little more times than I can count but I’ve never counted any of those times in Japan.

The country has thus far been impervious to bad food. And that’s coming from a guy who has travelled through some of the most backwater parts of the country. I’ve thrown myself at the weirdest, wackiest tourist traps known to Shinjuku and I’m yet to meet a meal that I didn’t enjoy.

Even the convenience stores are selling food far better than anything you’ll find in the bottom of that paper bag. Go try a fluffy egg sando or any number of the onigiris available at the holy trinity of 7-Eleven, Family Mart and Lawson, and you’ll learn to hate these dunk, splat and wrap tourists as much as I do.

To waste both precious calories and one of your very few meals abroad on the same garbage you can eat back at home should constitute a criminal offence. It should give you a black mark against your passport and limit your international travel options to places such as Bali, Mallorca and Phuket.

The smell these tourists left behind was indicative of a greater problem that I had witnessed all over the country. Ignited by a weak currency and fuelled by social media flames, Japan has become the destination du jour. Everyone is going there and a good percentage of those travellers leave their brains at home. I saw too many terrible tourists on this trip, and while this couple on the wrong train were far from the worst, they did leave me with a bad taste that I couldn’t get rid of.

You see, I’ve always believed that the best way to experience a culture is through your stomach. Opening your mouth is the quickest way to open your heart and it’s a lot easier to connect with a culture when you’re eating their food. I also believe that you are what you eat and if you come to Japan and eat at McDonald’s, all you’re ever going to be is a clown.