To paraphrase JFK, the things that unite us are greater than the things that divide us, except when it comes to lollies.

We are hopelessly divided about lollies, an aspect of national life that could make State of Origin or a Collingwood/Carlton clash look like child’s play. Of course, lolly wars are the definition of child’s play, summoning many mysterious tribal lolly loyalties that we trace to our formative years.

Forever more, we will go to war over our favourites. JFK never had to mediate peace between a fan of the Choo Choo Bar or the Polly Waffle in a mortal battle with a lover of the Lolly Gobble Bliss Bomb or the Musk Stick.

These sweet passions run deep, as we discovered this week with the announcement that Fantales will soon be no more, the iconic teeth-busting chocolate chews consigned to history by Nestle due to declining sales.

The death sentence came without warning, which set us to wondering: what sweet treasures should we be taking to the barricades to defend just in case? And for that matter, which ones should we offer up as sacrifices to the confectionary gods in order to save our favourites?

Firstly, the unofficial Heritage List. We need protection orders for these beauties now.

The Keep List

Jubes Nothing must ever happen to the humble jube, which over the years has appeared under various brand names and in different styles – Tarzan, Marella, Pascall – and which for generations was a key weapon in the secret language of grandmas, including mine, who would use them to smuggle a soft but diabolical sugar hit to the little ones under the radar. They do everything a lolly should do: rot your teeth, soothe the mind, and remind you of your nan. This is the perfect lolly. Leave it alone.

Minties Like Fantales, Minties are better thought of as “the dentist’s friend”. If you ever see a dentist with a boat, it is probably called Fantale. If you see a dentist with another boat, it is probably called Mintie. These gems, constructed of some substance unknown in the natural world and perhaps not in the unnatural world either, can remove a filling without need of dental equipment and are incredibly addictive. They are also famous as much for the wax paper they are wrapped in as for the lolly itself. Give a Mintie wrapper to a person of a certain age and their response will be to tear it into the longest skinny strip they can manage. Don’t rob us off this pointless and mysterious pleasure. The Mintie stays.

Wizz Fizz Long before white powder in envelopes became a 21st century terrorist concept there was the Wizz Fizz, which like anthrax is like a science experiment in your mouth but it is otherwise harmless. It is fizzy and frivolous and fun. We need the Wizz Fizz. Hands off.

Jaffas Lollies that can kill someone if thrown with accuracy and speed are not to be dispensed with lightly, and Jaffas have the added advantage of being cheerful in colour, destructive to the teeth and constructed so as to make a satisfying racket when thrown on the floor. This gave birth to the Australian tradition of rolling them down the aisle at the movies back in olden times when the floors and our brains were made of wood. Serious Jaffa users threw them at head height at their mates. However they are deployed, they must be preserved as lolly and weapon.

Polly Waffle There has never been a better time to rally around this chocolate-marshmallow concoction, a rare lolly legend that has been killed off and revived. Sort of. The Polly Waffle was cancelled in 2009, but a return to the shelves was promised in 2019. The manufacturer claimed pandemic-related complications delayed the revival but recent reports suggest it will be back soon. Don’t let them off the hook. Write to your local MP immediately.

The Kill List

Fads The vapes of the lolly world, Fads were once Fags - renamed 30 years ago for two obvious reasons — and still in existence today for no obvious reason. They now also have the tagline “Fads Fun Sticks” but this does not make them make sense, or fun, in 2023. They are not fooling anyone. Forget being offensive. Try being irrelevant. Butt them out.

Redskins While we’re about it, let’s dispose of the two other lollies that also fell afoul of modern manners. RedSkins became Red Ripperz in 2020, and really should have been quietly cancelled during lockdown when no one would have noticed. There is no need to spell anything with a Z on the end. They had their day, ruined teeth for generations, but it’s time to go. Chicos (now known as Cheekies), which were given the name makeover by Allen’s at the same time as RedSkins. See above. These little brown baby chews are as outdated as the golliwog. It’s time to move on.

Teeth No one likes you. No one wants you. What are you still doing here?

Bananas Most lollies taste vaguely like a dentist had an accident with a vat of sugar and flavouring in a toilet but nothing carries the air of chemical mishap quite like the banana, which is frankly an embarrassing lolly that is put in the Party Mix bag like a participation prize for surviving this long. The banana is hopeless and pointless and disappointing. Enough.

Choo Choo Bar The Choo Choo Bar is a controversial inclusion here. Some devotees insist it is lolly royalty, but close examination reveals it has no business as anything other than a historical artefact. It is liquorice and toffee and you can kill someone with it if you hit them hard enough but in 2023 our lollies should have higher aspirations, or at least a dual purpose, like the fatal-but-fun Jaffa. If you throw a Choo Choo Bar it will just lie there, waiting to be used as a bat. It has always been up to no good. It even leaves you looking like you swallowed black paint. It is on the lolly train to nowhere.

Sweet dreams.