Doesn’t it feel increasingly as though people want to treat the public realm as an extension of their private space? Whether inflicting their questionable music tastes on fellow commuters, texting in the theatre, or Face Timing from a hospital waiting room, there’s no end of shameless bozos suffering from Main Character syndrome who can’t seem to remember that other people have to live alongside them.

This behaviour is never more irksome than when eating out. The “customer is always right” mentality has, for whatever reason, morphed into “I can do whatever I want” in some diners’ heads, leaving what should be the pleasant treat of a good meal in good company in tatters for the rest of us.

It’s time for the considerate restaurant goers among us to take back control and publicly shame those who can’t find it in themselves to respect the unwritten rules of dining etiquette – rules I hardly thought required stating.

Here are the faux pas I believe should result in immediate expulsion.

Bringing dogs

Gone are the days when pooches could enjoy a couple of hours of peace and quiet while their owners went out for dinner. Now, Fido must tag along and be fed directly from the table or, worse, allowed to help himself from his vantage point on his owner’s lap. Pity the waiters who have to hopscotch around trailing leads or lazing bodies while carrying hot plates or trays of drinks.

Plenty of “dog-friendly” restaurants (ick) claim to allow only ‘well-behaved’ canines but – like a lot of bad behaviour in public life – don’t bother to police this when two yapping lapdogs start up while you’re exchanging bons mots with friends. If you have a dog, do yourself, it, and all the rest of us a favour and leave your four-legged friend at home.

Using phones

Is there any sight more depressing than the couple sitting opposite each other in stony silence, gazing gormlessly at their devices? I get it, social media is addictive. Zuckerberg et al have designed their products to break our brains. But if you can’t spend an hour or two chatting to real people over dinner, perhaps restaurants aren’t for you.

Depressingly, a recent study from Unilever Food Solutions Future Menus found 62 per cent of Gen Z say it’s not bad mannered to check texts at dinner, and 43 per cent said the same of scroll-through social media. Save it for the journey home while those of us who appreciate a night out enjoy the vitality of a buzzing restaurant. As for those who make calls while eating? I suggest permanent house arrest.

Letting children run around unsupervised

The oldest breach of restaurant etiquette in the book, yet some parents still haven’t got the message. I’d never call for a ban on children eating out; the gourmets – and gourmands – of the future need to start somewhere; but some are better suited to it than others. Those who can’t sit still, whose humours require them to be in constant motion, who are too young to be able to use headphones while watching the umpteenth episode of Bluey on Mum’s iPad, who weep copiously at the sight of strangers – I would gently suggest are not ready for restaurants.

Adult fussy eaters

One of the most pathetic sights I have ever witnessed featured a woman in her early thirties asking a waitress in an upmarket Mediterranean restaurant if they served fries and could she get a burger? An odious example, but it’s not uncommon for diners to request adjustments to dishes which render them unrecognisable. “I’ll have the vegetarian pizza, but could you swap the broccoli for ham and the spinach for chicken? And can you fold it like a calzone?” If you want food made precisely to your specifications, may I recommend creating it in your own kitchen?

Taking photos (or worse, videos) of your food

Social media is awash with food pictures taken by enthusiastic diners and instantly shared with all four of their followers on the platform du jour. The one thing they have in common? They’re universally terrible. The lighting is off, the composition is a mess, and the food usually looks inedible. There’s a reason restaurants, chefs, and cookbook designers hire professionals to show off their wares: food photography is hard, the average person is bad at it and to get it right requires more than the latest iPhone and the “dramatic warm” filter. It’s time we all got in line, especially the 85 per cent of Gen Z who believe snaps of their dinner are acceptable. And don’t get me started on video. Just no.

Singing happy birthday

You’re in the middle of charming your dining companions with a witty anecdote when the restaurant lights dim and a hush descends. A humiliated waiter trudges from the kitchen bearing a cake festooned with candles, hastily purchased at the supermarket around the corner and the diners at the far table break into their discordant chant. The recipient of this attention is embarrassed, the congregants approach the task with grim obligation, the rest of us look on in pity. A birthday dinner can be lovely, but spare us the sing-song.

Complaining about the service

It’s not unreasonable to expect good service but mean-spirited accusations are extremely un-chic. The restaurant is packed and it took a few extra minutes to take your order? Boo-hoo. Your soup wasn’t quite piping hot? Ask for it to be reheated – it’s not the end of the world. Restaurateurs are dealing with the worst trading conditions for decades, staff morale is at rock bottom, and you’re trying to wring out a free starter by making malicious complaints? Get a grip. If the service is really awful, withhold the tip and don’t come back.

Not splitting the bill properly

This one varies by age, according to the Unilever report. Older diners overwhelmingly prefer an even split, but 66 per cent of younger diners want to pay for precisely what they ate. Whatever your choice, good judgement in these matters is vital. If you ordered the lobster while your dining companions nibbled on salad, don’t suggest an even split. Equally, if your dinner only cost a few bucks less than a friend’s, it’s childish to calculate your share to the nearest cent and only makes you look cheap. Over the course of a year, it usually works out to your mutual satisfaction.

Talking loudly

I would like to enjoy a conversation with my friends without being an unwilling part of yours. Rest assured, the people sitting around your table can hear you perfectly well as you boast about that case of Pétrus you bought en primeur, or the time you ate sea urchin off the Amalfi coast, without you needing to bellow. We all know there is one nationality whose peoples are particularly guilty of this infraction, especially in restaurants.

All ordering the same thing

Variety is the spice of life. Is there anything more tedious than all four of you having the pork belly just in case you get meal envy? Menus are wide, expansive things (though, in a bleak bit of news, 26 per cent of Gen Z said they find long menus “overwhelming”): put the chef through their paces and each try something different, especially if you’re likely to return – you can always assess your dining companion’s reaction to that dish you were eyeing and come back to it later.

The Telegraph (London)