What to do when infertility starts impacting your sex life

A husband wants to know whether a desire to fall pregnant trumps the feelings of your partner.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a man whose wife’s desire to become pregnant is taking a toll on him.

QUESTION: My wife and I have been trying for a baby for six months and haven’t had any luck yet. When we first started trying to conceive it was a fun excuse to have more sex and I was loving it! But six months on and with no luck it’s starting to become more of a chore. My wife is tracking her cycles and when she’s ovulating I feel like I’m being made to have sex on demand. I think she needs to start making an effort to seduce me if this is going to drag on for a long time. Not only is it becoming hard work but I also feel like a piece of meat. I know my wife wants to get pregnant but is this really fair on me?

Do you think your desire to fall pregnant is more important than how your partner feels? Picture: iStock

ANSWER: I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with conceiving. Fertility struggles can take such an emotional toll on you and place strain on a relationship – not to mention your sex life.

What you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon for couples on the fertility journey.

How infertility impacts your sex life

It usually begins feeling new, exciting and fun. Both partners can notice their libido getting a boost for a while as sex takes on a new meaning for you.

But as each month brings new disappointment, your feelings about sex change. For some people sex becomes associated with the heartbreak of another missed opportunity. Sex can start to feel like a chore that only happens during fertile windows and becomes very “functional”. Some men tell me they feel like a “sperm donor” and, at times, men may experience erectile dysfunction as the emotion around sex and the pressure to perform increases.

When couples are dealing with infertility, sex often feels like a chore. Picture: iStock

How infertility impacts your relationship

The emotional toll of the inability to conceive can further impact your relationship. Along with sadness and grief, you may feel guilty or like you’re letting the other person down as a result of not being able to conceive. One or both of you might feel like your body is letting you down. These feelings are all normal and common.

These big emotions can drive you apart if you’re not mindful. You may each have different ways of dealing with the disappointments and retreat into your own space. One of you might feel resentful that the other doesn’t seem to share their feelings or doesn’t want to talk about it. It can be hugely challenging.

Communication is essential

My guess is that your wife is coping with this the best way she knows how right now. If it doesn’t feel okay or fair for you, you need to talk to her about it. When we don’t talk about something, it becomes the elephant in the room and tension, resentment and distance can build. I hear this starting to happen for you.

When you can work together and understand each other’s experience, both your relationship and sex life are more likely to thrive.

It’s challenging and I don’t know many couples who’ve been through what you have and been unaffected by it. I do have some suggestions for maintaining your connection and spark that have supported other couples I’ve worked with struggling to conceive. You’ll need to address both your relationship and intimacy.

How to maintain connection and intimacy when trying to conceive

You have to navigate this as a team

Working together will support you not only to navigate this challenging time, but future challenges that you’ll face together too.

Talk about how you’re feeling

It’s important to understand how each other is feeling about the issues so that you can find solutions that work for both of you. Although sharing feelings can be hard, it’s also how you create and maintain emotionally intimacy.

It is important that couples share with each other how they are feeling when trying to conceive. Picture: iStock

Maintain romance and connection

Don’t forget to look after your relationship as a whole during this time. Make time for romance, do things together that are fun, nurturing and unrelated to baby-making.

Make your erotic connection a priority even during non-fertile times

Your erotic connection is so much more than sex. It includes how you tease each other, flirt and prepare for sex. It takes some effort (even when you’re not trying to conceive), but it’s important to maintaining long term desire. Consider having times, especially during your non-fertile period, that you massage each other, cuddle or become sexually intimate without the pressure for intercourse.

Don’t skip foreplay

When you’re trying to conceive, sex can get a little functional, but don’t rush and don’t skip foreplay. Foreplay enhances enjoyment for both of you.

Keep variety in your sex life

Novelty is important for keeping desire alive and increasing sexual satisfaction. Experiment with different sexual practices, locations (ie. the kitchen or bathroom), positions and the use of toys.

Remember that the effort you put into your relationship and sex life right now will support you to become stronger as a family.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.