Nadia Bokody on the sex toy mistake you should avoid

Sex columnist Nadia Bokody says making this one innocent error could cost you an embarrassing trip to the emergency room.

It’s a unique fear.

A dread that hits all at once, like a wave catching you unexpectedly.

That desperate, sinking feeling that you’ve … *ahem* lost something *cough* inside yourself.

I’m still haunted by the memory of the first time I attempted to remove my menstrual cup (which I’d failed to properly insert on account of my juvenile dedication to never reading instruction manuals) and realised it wasn’t in fact “easily sliding out” as the packet had promised.

After what felt like an eternity hunched over in my shower following every technique I could find on Google, my then-partner yelled from the other side of the door, “Everything okay, babe? You’ve been in there a long time”.

No. Everything was not OK.

Nadia Bokody says making this one innocent error could cost you an embarrassing trip to the emergency room. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

And yes, I was edging dangerously close to exhausting my apartment building’s hot water supply. But I’d be damned before I burst my new relationship’s honeymoon bubble by telling bae I needed them to go on an incredibly unsexy expedition to retrieve a long-lost menstrual cup.

Thankfully, I struck success a few moments later and lived to tell the tale, sans a trip to the emergency room.

Nadia said one of the gravest mistakes people make when it comes to the use of sex toys, is assuming all pleasure devices are insertable. Picture: Instagram/NadiaBokody

We’ve all read insane stories of people arriving at the ER with random items stuck inside them. And most of us have seen outlandish X-rays of phallic paraphernalia lodged inside rectums via memes and tabloid blogs.

But while there are indeed recorded medical cases of strange items showing up inside people who claim to have curiously slipped and fell into them, the most common case ER staff see, is people losing vibrators in bodily orifices.

And, laugh all you will, but the misuse of vibrators and dildos is shockingly widespread. Largely because we don’t receive any kind of education around their use, despite the fact surveys suggest as many as three out of four adults own one.

One of the gravest mistakes people make when it comes to the use of sex toys, is assuming all pleasure devices are insertable.

In reality though, only products with a flared base are safe to go inside you. Think: butt plugs, rabbit-style vibrators (which have rabbit-like ‘ears’ at the end that prevent the toy from going in further) and dildos with faux testicles at the base.

Streamline dildos and vibrators – especially the small, discreet kind, like bullet vibes – are not safe to fully insert, because there’s no handle or base via which to retrieve them, and this is why they’re the kind that usually end up in those X-rays we’ve all seen immortalised in online memes.

UK TikToker @sophzaloafs recently shared her own grim X-ray with followers, showing a three-inch vibrator lodged inside her rectum. In a now-privated video, she explains that, after doctors tried to remove it manually with no success, the “only option was to have it surgically removed”.

Woman loses vibrator in her bum and needs surgery to remove it. Picture: TikTok

And comically (and also, can I just say – impressively) the TikToker awoke from the surgery to find the device in a plastic bag beside the bed … still vibrating. (Clearly she’d been following the vibrator battery hack I shared a few weeks ago.)

“It must’ve had a self-timer, it must’ve just, you know? Or they thought, ‘She had such a good time. Let’s replace the batteries for her completely free of charge’,” she joked to followers.

It’s a tale fit for a Farrelly brothers movie, but also an optimistic one – because most lost sex toy stories don’t end with a zany punchline and two hours remaining battery life.

Vibrators lodged inside the body can lead to serious internal injuries like bowel perforation, and cause excruciating pain. And they often result in an exxy medical bill and months of uncomfortable recovery, if not permanent damage.

This isn’t designed to scare you out of ever reaching for a handheld pleasure device again. By all means, go forth and insert away. Vibrate to your heart’s content! But don’t be too proud to read the instruction manual first, and, as the saying goes, “If it has no flare, it probably shouldn’t go up there.”

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