Relationship Rehab: Wife’s ‘free’ sex demand in marriage

After spending the last six years having a family, this wife and mum now wants to “explore” a new side of her sex life.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who wants to open up her marriage – but isn’t sure now.

Question: I want to know how I can talk to my husband about having an open relationship. This isn’t totally out of the blue for us. Years ago, we dabbled in swinging for a while, but when our kids came along our focus turned to them and creating a family together. Now, six years down the line, I’ve lost my desire for sex with my husband. I don’t really want us to go swinging again – I want to feel free to explore sex with other people. Swinging was always something we did together, but this feels different. Tips on how to talk to him about it?

Answer: Relationship dynamics are constantly changing. It sounds like you’ve been able to manage your changing needs well together in the past. I think you’re well placed for dealing with this next conversation.

I can see your dilemma in raising the issue of an open relationship. It sounds like you’re wanting something fairly different to what you’ve tried in the past.

It sounds like you’ve previously tried swinging in its more traditional form, where you both engage sexually with another couple or another person, but don’t develop any ‘feelings’ with those people. Although many swingers describe becoming good friends with people they swing with, it’s still different to other forms of open relationship.

Open relationship or ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, from ‘just sex’ to developing long-term relationships with more than one person.

In your question, you say that you want to be free to have sex with other people. Is it just sex with other people you’re wanting, or are you considering exploring intimate relationships with these other people? It would be useful to put some thought into this before you talk to him.

In terms of talking to him about this, and you’re likely already aware of it, but you’ll need more than one conversation.

When talking about this with your husband, focus on what you want and do your best to explain why. What are you hoping that this will bring to you and to your relationship? I imagine your husband will want to understand this.

I’m guessing that your husband will be curious about the changed format of your interactions with other people. What has changed for you about exploring this together?

Sharing what’s happening for us is only half of good communication. The other half is listening to and trying to understand the other person.

Give your husband space to talk about his perspective and how he feels. Do your best to understand his needs – and any concerns or boundaries he has.

Regardless of how prepared you are for an open relationship, it’s still often challenging and you should proceed cautiously. If you do agree to proceed with exploring an open relationship together, here are some suggestions for you:

Make sure there aren’t underlying relationship issues

‘Opening’ your relationship won’t fix any underlying relationship issues. It’s likely to make them worse. My advice is to address any issues within your relationship before adding the complication of seeing other people. Make sure your relationship is as strong as it can be by ensuring you have quality time together, are still good friends and can manage conflict well.

Make clear agreements

As you’re probably aware of from your swinging days, it’s vital that you have clear agreements together. Take your time creating agreements that work for both of you. Be clear on what they are and don’t make assumptions.

Keep you communication open

Open relationships require much more communication than most people realise. You don’t just have a conversation at the beginning, if you want to keep your relationship strong as you open your relationship, you’ll need to keep communicating with each other.

Open relationships require more communication. Picture: iStock.

Be prepared for emotions

Opening up any relationship is a big step. Even when it’s something you both want, it can trigger a whole lot of emotions. Be prepared for that to happen for both of you and discuss how you can support each other in them.

Take your time

Even when you’ve both agreed to this, my suggestion is to take things slowly and continue to check in on each other.

Talk about it calmly together

Sex is a sensitive topic at the best of times – even more so when we feel like we’re not getting it right in some way.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.