Relationship Rehab: Married couple’s ‘embarrassing’ sex secret

They’ve been married for four years, but this husband and wife are facing a massive bedroom problem that’s “frustrated” them.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman facing a frustrating sex problem with her husband.

Question: This is something so embarrassing to talk about, even my husband and I don’t mention it. We got married four years ago, but we‘ve never had sex. We wanted to wait until our wedding night to have sex, because this is important in our religion. But when we tried, it wasn’t possible. We tried a few times after that, but even then it wasn’t possible. His penis just couldn’t go inside of me. Our family is asking when we’re going to have kids. I know my husband is frustrated. I’m worried about our future together if we can never do this.

Answer: I can understand this feels embarrassing and frustrating for you. I’m glad you had the courage to reach out and ask for help on this.

This is much more common that many people think. I’ve seen many couples who’ve been married for several years and have been unable to have sex.

There are two possibilities that I think might be happening here, based on what other couples have shared with me.

You might not be putting his penis in the right place

I don’t mean to be condescending, but I have seen this happen.

It sounds like you come from a culture where sex isn’t spoken about very much. As a result, you probably didn’t get a lot of sex education. I have (on the rare occasion) encountered cases where couples had been trying to insert the penis in the wrong place (for example, into the bellybutton or clitoris) and were frustrated that it wasn’t working.

If you’re certain that you’ve been trying to insert his penis into your vaginal opening/canal, then you’re probably suffering from vaginismus.

Couples who struggle to have sex is a more common problem than people think. Picture: Damir Spanic/Unsplash.

You’re likely suffering from Vaginismus

Vaginismus is now officially known as a genito-pelvic pain/penetration disorder, but many people still refer to it as ‘vaginismus’.

Vaginismus is an extreme tightening of the muscles around the vaginal opening which can cause pain and make penetration impossible. Some people describe it as ‘like hitting a brick wall’.

It’s largely caused by fear of pain or fear of sex. It’s more common in women who have highly religious backgrounds and may have been warned that ‘sex will hurt’ the first time they have intercourse.

About 1 in 10 women experience vaginismus, so you’re certainly not alone.

Most women with vaginismus will also find it difficult to have fingers or a tampon inserted into their vagina without pain or high levels of discomfort.

Vaginismus is very treatable and you can go on to have enjoyable sex. Picture: We-Vibe Toys/Unsplash.

Vaginismus can be treated

The good news for you is that vaginismus can be treated – and you and your husband can eventually have enjoyable sex. Overcoming vaginismus will take time – and you may need to get professional support to do it.

Treatments for vaginismus depend on what has contributed to you developing vaginismus. Treatment includes sex education, talk therapy, relaxation exercises and gradual insertion.

Essentially, we need to help you let go of any fear you might have about sex, help you learn to relax your pelvic floor muscles and gently insert aids into your vagina so you can build up to comfortably having a penis inserted. (You do insertion exercises at home – not during an appointment). For some women, this means you start with inserting a cotton bud and gradually increasing from there.

When I’m working with clients with vaginismus, I also include guidance on how to talk to their partner about what’s happening, how they can involve their partner in the exercises they have to do and advice for making sex more enjoyable for both people.

It’s important that you don’t try to force penetration. This normally leads to more pain and tension. You’ll need to take your time with this and you’ll get the best results when your partner is supportive.

In more extreme cases, you may need to see a specialised pelvic-floor physiotherapist who can help your muscles release and relax. You can also benefit from seeing a sex therapist or sexologist who can give you support and guide you through the process.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.