Relationship Rehab: Wife’s ‘50 Shades of Grey’ sex request

Her husband admits he has no idea where to start after she requested they “spice things up in the bedroom”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a husband unsure about how to spice up his sex life.

Question: My wife said she wants to “spice things up in the bedroom” but what the hell does that mean? In my mind, we have a great sex life and I‘m not into anything too 50 Shades of Grey if you know what I mean. Still, I want to make sure she’s happy so I’m willing to try for her sake. I’m just not really sure where to start. What would you recommend I do?

Answer: I don’t know what your wife means when she says she wants to spice things up, but I do know you have an exciting opportunity to find out.

There are simple ways to add variety and playfulness to your bedroom that don’t involve anything wild and crazy, if that’s not your cup of tea.

Whatever you decide to try, I recommend you start by working on your sexual communication.

Sexual communication can be awkward

Communication is the most important factor of a great sex life. Research consistently shows that couples who can talk about sex well together have more satisfying sex lives.

That’s easier said than done for most of us.

Sex can feel incredibly awkward to talk about (most of us weren’t taught how) and we can have an idea that talking about sex will detract from the mood (actually, the opposite is true). As a result, we’re often left guessing what a partner wants or not really enjoying what’s happening.

Sexual communication is important, but can feel awkward. Picture: iStock

Sometimes we’re not sure what we want

It can be particularly difficult for women to ask for what they want sexually. Women aren’t taught to speak up and ask for what they want anywhere, let alone in the bedroom. Sometimes, we’re not even sure what we really want or like because we haven’t had the opportunity to discover it.

Create a culture of open communication about sex

To create a satisfying sex life over the long-term, learn to talk about sex openly and honestly together. Great sexual communication includes talking about sex before you even get into bed and being able to ask for what you want in the moment.

Creating a culture of open communication around sex takes time (and feels a little awkward at first), so take it slowly and be gentle on each other in this process.

Some good questions to begin opening up sexual communication:

• What messages did you learn about sex from your family growing up?
  What does your culture or religion teach about sex? How do you think this has impacted you?

• What were your early sexual experiences like? How do you think this has impacted you?

• What’s a guaranteed way to turn you on?

• Is there anything that really turns you off sexually?

• What has been your favourite position we’ve tried so far?

• Do you ever struggle to reach orgasm? Is there anything that you know helps you reach orgasm?

There are some simple ways to spice things up in the bedroom. Picture: Unsplash/We-Vibe Toys

Add variety and playfulness to your bedroom

If neither of you are quite sure what you want to do differently, consider these ideas for getting out of a sex rut and adding variety and playfulness to your bedroom.

Spend more time in foreplay

Increasing the amount of time spent in foreplay is the single biggest step you can take to increase a woman’s chance of reaching orgasm. Foreplay often gets skipped over as couples go straight for the main event. But there’s a lot of fun that can be had during foreplay. Consider sensual massage, passionate kissing and oral sex.

Get out of the bedroom

A simple way to add variety to your sex life is to begin having sex in a different room. The shower is a great place to start. It can help you both relax and get into a playful, sensual mood.

Try different positions

Adding variety to your sex positions doesn’t need to involve acrobatics or flexibility. Try switching who is on top, spooning or a seated sexual position.

Try Body Mapping

Body Mapping is a great way to discover how you enjoy being touched and helps you communicate better with each other sexually. It’s a popular exercise among the couples I work with in therapy.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.