Sex therapist on female masturbation and how to get the most out of it

It’s completely normal and goes back to prehistoric times but only one-in-four women do it regularly and 20 per cent say they don’t know how to do it.

Despite masturbation being a completely normal human behaviour, depicted as far back as prehistoric times, up to 20 per cent of women have never masturbated and many say they simply don’t know how.

May is International Masturbation Month. Yes, an entire month.

But, despite the worldwide recognition, only one-in-four of us do it regularly. In my work as a sexologist many women share with me that they simply don’t know how.

Masturbation has been depicted as far back as prehistoric cave paintings, was well documented by the Greeks and Romans and was even used ceremonially by the ancient Egyptians.

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Enjoying pleasure from masturbation is completely normal.

Masturbation is completely natural

While masturbation is a completely natural human behaviour, recognised in almost every culture on earth, there’s still immense taboo surrounding the practice, especially for women.

Male masturbation has been spoken of and depicted on screen (remember that famous apple pie or There’s Something About Mary hair gel scenes?) far more often than female masturbation, which has been largely kept in the dark.

There’s even a multitude of terms to describe male masturbation that don’t apply to women.

Why women feel reluctant to masturbate

There are a range of reasons women are a little more reluctant to engage in solo hanky-panky.

Cultural myths around women having lower sexual desire than men still prevail, as do internalised messages that sex is largely for pleasing our partners.

Additionally, women are faced with the label of ‘slut’ when they want or enjoy sex too much. It’s no wonder we’re often shy to explore that part of ourselves.

Incidentally, Masturbation Month itself began as a declared ‘International Masturbation Day’ in 1995 in honour of US Surgeon General, Joycelyn Elders, who was fired the year prior for suggesting that masturbation be included in sex education.

It’s a great stress reliever

This lack of self-pleasure has real implications for women and their partners.

Masturbation is a great stress reliever, can enhance mood and may even reduce the experience of pain.

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Self-pleasure can relieve stress.

Masturbation is also helpful in discovering what we enjoy sexually

Sex therapists have long recommended solo pleasure as a way to help women who struggle to reach orgasm. After all, if we don’t know how we like to be touched, how can we give direction to someone else?

In fact, different rates of masturbation (men are twice as likely to masturbate than women) are likely a contributing factor to the ‘Orgasm Gap’, a phenomenon where, in heterosexual sex, men are twice as likely to orgasm than women.

But just knowing the potential benefits doesn’t necessarily help women, who often give me blank stares when I mention this in therapy. “How do other women do it?” is a question I frequently hear when the topic arises.

Where to start

Some of us, quite frankly, are not even sure where to start.

If that’s you, firstly know that it’s normal and it’s not too late to learn. There are a multitude of ‘aids’ and educational platforms designed to help.

One platform, Climax, studied how over 90,000 women masturbate and found there are clear techniques that women favour.

Created to support women learning to pleasure themselves, Climax is a step-by step video series sharing popular techniques like ‘The Envelope Technique’ and a technique of exploring the clitoris which was used by 62 per cent of women during self-pleasure.

Founder, Laurène Dorléac says “There’s clearly a gap in women’s understanding of their bodies, leading them to miss out on pleasure. We believe sexual enjoyment is something that can be learned.”

Sexual pleasure can be learned.

Many of Dorléac’s clients agree, sharing they experienced orgasm for the first time due to the techniques they discovered.

While masturbation has also been made rather more convenient with the explosion of pleasure toys in recent years (and they can certainly add a whole lot of excitement to your bedroom) they’re not necessary for women to enjoy themselves. I suggest starting with ‘a manual approach’ to begin with and then adding toys later, if that’s your jam.

I suggest to my clients that they start slowly and try to let go of any expectations.

Like anything sexual, it might not be amazing the first time you try it. It can take some practice to feel comfortable and experiment new techniques.

Once you do, there’s a good chance it will help you discover new ways of enjoying yourself, boost your desire levels and help you connect with your own sexual self.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist and news.com.au advice columnist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram and visit her website.