Wife’s despair over husband’s tough discipline of kids

They’ve had a “fairly good” relationship for 10 years, but there’s one issue that is causing this wife to despair with her husband.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a mum struggling with her husband’s tough stance on disciplining their kids.

Question: My husband and I have been together for 10 years and we’ve always had a fairly good relationship. But I’m really struggling at the moment with the ways he parents our kids, both under six. I understand that two people have different ways of disciplining children, but he seems to have no patience with them. I feel so uncomfortable when he loses his temper and yells at them. I can’t help but step in and try to keep the peace, but he says that I’m taking sides and feels undermined by me. I just wish he would be kinder to them. We argue constantly about this. What can I do?

Answer: Bringing kids into a relationship can certainly change your relationship dynamic and challenge in you unexpected ways.

Different parenting styles (including different perspectives on discipline) is a source of conflict in many couples. It’s painful for you both and has consequences for your kids.

What to do when you have different parenting styles:

Talk about it

As I’ve said here many times before, the research on relationships is really clear that it’s not what you’re arguing about, it’s how. Being able to talk about the issue respectfully supports you being able to work on it as a team.

When raising a difficult topic with a partner, stay away from blame and criticism. They’ll erode your relationship and usually elicit a defensive response. Instead speak from an “I” perspective, sharing your emotions and your underlying needs. Rather than focus on what your partner is doing wrong, share with him how the situation leaves you feeling.

For example: When I see you yell at the kids, I feel scared and sad. I’m scared that it’s going to impact them and your relationship with them and I feel sad about that.

You’re avoiding telling him that he’s doing something ‘wrong’, but you are letting him know that something bothers you.

Understand each other’s perspective

You need to understand each other’s perspectives fully before you move into action or make decisions on what to do. This helps you have empathy for each other and work together as a team to find solutions.

Based on what I’ve heard many clients share over the years, here’s some of what I imagine is happening for you:

You feel so uncomfortable seeing him yell at the kids. You’re worried about them (because you remember what it’s like to feel so small and helpless) and you’re worried about the impact his yelling will have on them. You’re probably also worried about what will happen to his relationship with them in the future.

It’s not about what you argue about, but how you disagree with your significant other that matters. Picture: iStock.

Here’s what’s often going on for a partner that loses their temper with the kids:

I don’t know what to do here. I feel out of my depth. I feel out shut out of my family. I’m used to being able to fix things, but I can’t fix this. I don’t know why my kids won’t listen to me. I feel like a failure.

Underneath is usually a feeling of shame. Shame that they can’t ‘fix it’ and shame when they lose their temper. Shame often causes us to get angry and withdraw even further, perpetuating a vicious cycle.

Talk about your expectations

Because you’re two different people entering a relationship and creating a life together, you’ll also have different expectations and ideas on how to deal with things. Challenges arise when we expect our partner to respond as we do.

Have a conversation about what you were each taught about discipline growing up. Understanding this can help you decide on what you’d like to create in your current family together.

Find common ground

Aim to find common ground together. It’s likely that you both want the same things underneath it all, you just have different ways of getting there.

For example, you probably both want a harmonious household. You might both agree that kids need some kind of discipline – and consequences when they misbehave.

Recognising what you have in common can help you feel like a team again.

Support each other and be a united front

Unless your kids are in danger, you need to present a united front together.

Siding with the kids will likely leave your husband feeling undermined and increase tension and resentment between you. It also becomes confusing for the kids – and they’ll find a way to use it to their advantage.

If you don’t agree with how he handled something, raise it with him when the two of you are alone.

It’s important to be a united front with your kids, unless there is danger. Picture: iStock.

Learn about parenting together

Doing a parenting course together can help you both feel on the same page – without your husband feeling like he’s being told what to do by you. It can give you both understanding about how kids’ brains develop and tried and tested methods for managing things. My clients that have done parenting courses together find them incredibly helpful. And it’s great to get the support and know you’re not alone.

Get support for your relationship

Tension between parents has a measurable impact on kids. Even though you’re doing your best to protect them, they’ll pick up on what’s happening between you. If you continue to struggle to manage this together, consider reaching out to a Couples Therapist for help. A good therapist can help you talk about this more effectively, understand each other and feel like a team again – helping you have harmony as a couple and as a family.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.