Relationship Rehab: Why wife has to ‘beg’ for sex

The couple have been together for eight years but a growing bedroom problem is causing a fight whenever it gets brought up.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who feels she has to “beg” her husband for sex.

Question:

This is just about the opposite of what happens for everyone else, I know, but my husband no longer desires sex with me. I hear my girlfriends talking about how much their partners want it, but I feel like I have to beg my husband to even touch me. I probably always had a higher sexual drive than him, but for a while it was fine. But now, eight years into our relationship, it’s not fine for me. He never initiates sex and if I don’t, we can go months without it. When I do initiate it, he tells me to stop putting pressure on him. I’m in my early 40s – and he’s in his late 40s. I feel like I’m too young to give up having a sex life, but every time I raise it with him we get into a fight. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I love him, but I have needs!

Answer:

I hear you. Different desire levels can be incredibly challenging – especially when you‘re the opposite to the heterosexual stereotype.

I want to let you know that you’re far from alone on this.

While it often isn’t spoken about, it’s actually quite common for women to have higher sex drives than their partners in heterosexual relationships.

We don’t hear about it as much as when a male partner has a higher sex drive because both partners typically feel more shame in the situation you’re in.

You probably feel shame and frustration that your husband doesn’t desire you and he probably feels shame that he doesn’t have the ‘expected’ level of desire. He might feel like less of a man and like he’s failing you as a husband.

Differences in desire levels are unfortunately common in a relationship. As hard as it is for both of you, you need to find a way to talk about it together. There are steps that you can take to increase desire.

It’s common for women to have a higher sex drive than their male partners. Picture: Jan Zhukov/Unsplash

Talk about it calmly together

Sex is a sensitive topic at the best of times – even more so when we feel like we’re not getting it right in some way.

Your husband probably feels guilty about the situation and helpless about how to fix it, which is why he shuts down when you try to discuss it.

Let him know that you don’t want to blame him or make this his fault in any way, but share that it’s important to you to have a conversation about it.

It isn’t what you’re arguing about, but how

How you discuss issues in a relationship has more impact on your relationship than the topic.

In happy relationships, couples feel heard and understood by each other even if they don’t manage to ‘solve’ their problems.

Understanding each other’s feelings around this issue will help you have more empathy and understanding for each other and work on this as a team.

When talking about this with your partner, try not to criticise or blame him. Instead, focus on what emotions you have about your sex life now and what you want.

I imagine for you, you feel upset and unloved by him at times – even though that isn’t his intention. And sex probably meets your needs of feeling loved and desired by your husband, along with being close and connected to him.

Couples may not have the same desire levels but can work towards meeting each other’s sexual needs. Picture: iStock.

Aim for progress, not perfection

You might never have the same desire levels for sex, but you can still work towards meeting each other’s needs. If you feel like he’s understanding of your needs and is making an effort, you’ll likely feel less distressed and frustrated about it even if you never have as much sex as you might like.

There are many reasons someone can lose desire

Sexual desire is affected by many factors. While some people have naturally lower desire than others (completely normal), there are factors that can further impact this.

These include:

• Stress

• Anxiety and depression

• Pressure and a sense of obligation

• Tiredness

• Poor health

• Lack of sexual confidence

• Lack of sexual enjoyment

• Guilt and shame around sex

• Hormone levels (in rare cases)

There are steps you can take to help increase desire

To do this, you’ll need to talk with your husband to understand what might be contributing to his lack of desire and what he thinks could increase it.

Ways to boost desire

• Eat well and get good rest

• Make sure there are no underlying health or mental health concerns

• Strengthening your relationship

• Increasing your physical connection

• Setting aside time for intimacy when you know you won’t be interrupted

• Talking about ways to initiate sex that don’t feel like pressure to him

• Learning new skills for sexual confidence and enjoyment

• Taking the pressure off what has to happen if you start to engage in sex

• Kissing passionately

Start by talking about this together. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but when it’s important to one person it has to become important to both of you. I hope you can find a way to work on this together. If it continues to be an issue between you, I recommend reaching out to a sexologist or sex therapist for support.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.