Relationship Rehab: ‘My wife wants me to ‘service’ myself’

They’ve been married 10 years, most of them happily — but something has changed to bring this man to the point of “total frustration”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man whose partner is withholding sex, a father who wants better for his teen daughter and an older woman who is seeking to spice things up between the sheets.

HELP, MY WIFE IS WITHHOLDING SEX

QUESTION: I am now at a point of total frustration. My partner of the last 10+ years has ceased the physical side of our relationship. I have discussed it with her several times, and she always responds that she has not given it up, that she thought that I had. Over time I have attempted to begin physicality and been met with “don’t do that”.

To me that is worse than a slap in the face. What was fun and exciting is now a source of total frustration for me. I am still highly “motivated” and must “service” myself. I now feel awkward as to anything sexual with her and have all but ceased any advances.

If only once, just once, she would initiate close contact. I have no desire to talk her into satisfying me for my sake. I am not interested in being “serviced” as there would be no closeness. Is it fair that, as she wants none, that I must also give up as well?

ANSWER: It sounds like this issue has been building up for a while. Although you’ve tried to talk about it, you haven’t been able to get results or more understanding. It makes sense that you’re feeling frustration and despair.

You’ve asked if it’s fair for you to give up intimacy because your partner “wants none”, but I also heard you say that she has said to you that “she hasn’t given up”. There are some mixed messages here, it seems that you’re not understanding each other on this.

Even if she was saying she doesn’t want any intimacy anymore (which it doesn’t sound like she is), this is often a defensive comment made by a lower desire partner to cover their shame, guilt and feeling of inadequacy and hopelessness.

What I hear clearly is that physical and sexual intimacy with your partner are important to you and you’re currently unsatisfied by the way things are. Therefore, this is a relationship issue and something that you need to talk about and work out together.

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Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied.

Physical and sexual intimacy are valid needs in a relationship.

Of course you don’t want just to be “serviced”, I’ve never heard anyone say this is what they want from their partner. I imagine what you do want is mutually enjoyable, loving sex with the person you love.

It’s not unreasonable for you to want your partner to initiate physical contact either, though there are many reasons this may be difficult for her.

You need to be able to talk about this together and each feel understood.

Regaining your physical and sexual relationship needs to be a priority to both of you if you’re going to make changes on this. It’s vital that your partner sees this as important for her too, not just something she’s doing to keep you happy. That might take a mindset shift for her.

Work out ways to re-establish non-sexual physical intimacy first — with no pressure about where this will lead. Once you both feel more comfortable in this, and have had a chance to improve your communication around desires, boundaries and touch, you can gradually move to sensual, then sexual intimacy together.

You need to be clear and honest on what your boundaries are if this isn’t something your partner is willing to look at with you.

Given that this is currently a highly charged issue with built up tension, I suggest you seek professional help to discuss this together in an effective way. A sexologist or sex therapist can help you better understand each other, guide you step by step in your reconnection and give you practical tools and suggestions for a more satisfying sex life.

‘My daughter deserves better — how can I make her see that?’ writes one frustrated mother. Picture: iStock.

MY DAUGHTER DESERVES BETTER — HOW CAN I MAKE HER SEE THAT?

QUESTION: My 18-year-old daughter lets her boyfriend treat her terribly. How can I make her see she deserves — and must insist upon — better?

ANSWER: When we understand our own experience, we are empowered to make choices and changes ourselves — more so than when we’re just “told” what to do.

Firstly, ensure you’re modelling what you want for her in your own life and not allowing yourself to be treated terribly either. Also consider how you can empower her, lift her and treat her with the respect and regard that you know she deserves, instead of just telling her what she should or shouldn’t do or tolerate.

Ask open-ended questions and try to understand her experience. This will give you both insight into what is driving her acceptance of her boyfriend’s behaviour.

You’re never to old to have an exciting sex life. Picture: iStock

HOW CAN I SPICE UP MY SEX LIFE AT 50?

QUESTION: I am a 50-year-old woman who is finding sex a bit boring at the moment — what is an age-appropriate way to spice things up? I don’t think silly frilly costumes are for me.

ANSWER: There are so many ways to spice things up aside from “silly costumes”, though, what is considered “age appropriate” is entirely up to you.

What does a fun, exciting, playful sex life look like to you?

Add to your repertoire by trying different “techniques”, different positions, introducing pleasure toys or sharing sexual fantasies. You might also benefit from doing research on possibilities by reading erotica or listening to podcasts (I shared an entire episode on this recently on my podcast).

Do you have sexual fantasies or things you’ve always wanted to try? Be willing to communicate your desires with your partner/s as this, in itself, will add spice, intimacy and variety.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]