Relationship advice: Wife struggles with sexless marriage to sick husband

A woman struggling in her 20-year marriage has revealed she’s tempted to do something “stupid”, saying “he’d never know” or possibly “care”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman who’s tempted to cheat, a man who’s confused about his ex and someone who’s watching too much porn.

I’M TEMPTED TO CHEAT

QUESTION: I love my husband but I’m not sure if I’m still in love with him. We’ve been together almost 20 years but over the past few years he’s suffered various health problems including impotence, memory loss and fatigue that causes him to sleep half the day. I work full-time and love nights out with my girlfriends, while he just seems to stay home and sleep. I’ve started to receive attention from other men and I’ve been tempted to stray. I’ve stopped myself before I’ve not done anything stupid but I’m not sure how much longer I can stay in a marriage with no sex or passion. Part of me thinks my husband would never know or maybe even care if I cheated anyway. I don’t want to cheat on my sick husband but I feel like I might. I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel and he says he’ll put more effort in but never does. What should I do?

ANSWER: It sounds like your husband is experiencing significant health issues that are also having an impact on your relationship and intimacy – what a challenging situation.

Many couples experiencing relationship or sexual challenges make promises to each other that they’ll put more effort in, but often find that just doesn’t work.

There are many reasons for this, and in many cases, it isn’t about not enough effort or not wanting to.

Most people in this situation don’t know exactly what they should be doing, they lack a clear and proven strategy to make incremental change, don’t know how to address the underlying issues and don’t have enough support to make the change they want.

I completely understand not wanting to be in a relationship without sex or passion. But I do suggest trying everything you can to strengthen your relationship with your husband first.

Do you know exactly what you’re wanting from your husband?

I’m hearing that you don’t want to be ‘without sex or passion’, but what do you want? Are you longing for more time, fun and emotional connection together? Do you just want more frequent sex? Or more enjoyable sex? Would you be OK with sexual intimacy that doesn’t require him to have an erection sometimes?

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

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Start strengthening your relationship outside the bedroom first. Make sure you’re spending enough time together, having fun together and connecting as friends. You probably need to work on communication too (most couples do). Strengthening your connection and communication makes it easier for you to take on the issues surrounding sexual intimacy together and helps you work on it as a team.

Your husband may find that medication (such as Viagra or Cialis) helps his erections and therefore increases his confidence and willingness to have sex. I suggest that he speak to his doctor about this. There might also be other factors influencing his desire that need to be addressed. Some people find it helpful to have a time scheduled for intimacy so they can get themselves in the mood.

When you are being intimate, focus on pleasure and connection and take any goals of penetration sex away.

It is possible that he wouldn’t know if you were with someone else. It seems unlikely that he wouldn’t care – though he may be somewhat resigned to it. Without an explicit agreement however, you really need to ask yourself if that’s what you want for your relationship. And be mindful of what would happen if he did find out.

A sexless marriage can be worked on outside the bedroom. Picture: iStock

FREEZING UP IN BED

QUESTION: What causes sexual tension or putting up walls? My ex would tend to freeze up in bed. She was very physical but when it came down to sex, she would close off. Is that a form of past trauma?

ANSWER: It’s certainly possible that your ex has a history of trauma. We know that many women (and men) have experienced unwanted sexual touch or trauma. The process of ‘freezing’ is often an indication of a trauma response. Freeze is that last resort survival tactic when fight or flight seems unlikely to work.

Based on the context of the rest of your question, I’m guessing that by ‘sexual tension’ you mean that her body or vagina became tense? That is likely also a fear response that has developed out of fear of pain during sex or negative sexual beliefs.

Freezing in bed can be the sign of a trauma response. Picture: iStock

HOW MUCH PORN IS NORMAL?

QUESTION: I’ve got into a habit of watching porn almost every day and now I struggle to get turned on without it. How do I break this habit?

ANSWER: This is an increasing challenge for many people.

I suggest going cold turkey from pornography and going through a process of reconnecting to your body and your own sexual thoughts.

If that feels too difficult right now, you can also try a process of watching porn for a few minutes, then turning away to focus on your own body for a few minutes, with the intention of lowering the time spent watching pornography and increasing the time without it.

Remember that it’s taken time to get to where you are and it will take time to recondition your brain to be aroused without it too. Whether or not you classify yourself as having porn addiction, you may find a support group or website helpful in this journey.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram