Relationship Rehab: New boyfriend’s embarrassing sex problem

After initially brushing off her new boyfriend’s bedroom woes, it happened again – leaving this woman wondering what’s going on here?

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman whose partner doesn’t seem to think about her sexual needs, a person whose partner never takes action and a woman feeling “extremely lonely” in her marriage.

QUESTION: My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. She had a very difficult childhood and her early adulthood wasn’t much better. I come from a very loving family. I love my wife more and more every day. I am a very affectionate person, my wife is not. I know it stems from heroine before. When we talk about it she says that she needs time and its unfair that I’m asking her to change. When I see her with our son she is a very affectionate mother. I know its different but I keep thinking that she is capable of affection and 10 years is a long time to adjust.

Worst part is my head keeps telling me that she doesn’t feel the same way about me when ever she turns in for a hug when I go for a kiss. Am I being selfish? Should I be happy with what I have? She is an amazing woman and I hate when we argue over this issue. How can I learn to let this go?

Thank you.

ANSWER: I don’t think you trying to let this go is going to be an effective approach. Try as you might, this is something that bothers you, and understandably so. We’re talking about you feeling loved and connected in your relationship. That’s important.

Trying to let go of significant issues like this, usually just results in them bubbling away under the surface.

‘Should you be happy with what you have’? The truth is, you’re not. At least not now. That needs to be addressed. Are you being selfish? We all have needs in relationship. It’s only selfish if we’re solely focused on our needs and not the other person’s too.

You and your wife have different needs around affection and intimacy, stemming from your childhood relationship history and what we call our ‘Attachment Style’. These styles of connecting to other human beings form in our early years of life and impact our relationships for our entire lives. They can be adjusted, but it takes significant awareness and effort.

These differences will probably always be there between you.

Every couple has recurring issues of tension like this. The difference between happy and unhappy couples is that they learn to communicate about these well together.

It shouldn’t be that you’re asking each other to change, but aiming for deeper understanding and action that feels good for both of you.

You argue now, but the possibility is that you learn to talk about this without it being an argument.

Questions to consider are:

How can we really understand each other’s perspective and needs here?

How can we both accept these differences?

How can we aim to meet each other’s needs, while still honouring important boundaries?

Happy relationships also require action and effort.

You’ll likely need to accept that the intimacy between you won’t be everything you hope it can be. But your wife will also need to be mindful of your needs and what she can do in this too.

Feeling loved by a partner is important in a relationship. Your partner may struggle to do that in the ways that are easier for you, but there does still need to be action in the relationship that let’s you know you’re loved.

Actions steps:

Look for other ways to build intimacy and connection in your relationship.

Learn to talk about the impact this issue has on you both and what you need without it turning into an argument.

Ultimately, I suggest seeing a Couples Therapist to support you to holistically strengthen your relationship and find ways to communicate about this issue effectively.

RELATED: Very sexual’ woman’s bedroom issue

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

QUESTION: I’m feeling extremely frustrated because I don’t want to have sex. I want to want to, but I just never seem to be in the mood. I feel like to have to keep my partner happy and that’s it’s not really for me. It’s difficult to prioritise it over everything else I have to do. It feels like just another chore. Help!

ANSWER: It’s helpful to see sexual desire as responsive rather than spontaneous.

That means, desire responds to stimuli around us, instead of being something that spontaneously arises from time to time. This is actually great news, because it means that we can cultivate it.

Cultivating sexual desire means actively trying to reduce the things that block our desire and increasing things that turn us on.

Importantly, we also have to stop seeing sex as something do for someone else.

As women we’re often conditioned to see it that way, but women can have just as much desire as men and can enjoy it for our own sake too. Sexual intimacy can also be a powerful way to connect to someone and deepen intimacy in a relationship.

Finally, when you do engage sexually with a partner, make sure you enjoy it, by exploring and asking for what you like.

QUESTION: I’ve just started seeing someone new. The first time we tried to have sex, he had erection problems and so we ended up not having sex. The second time he got an erection, but he lost it again when we were about half way through.

We’re both in our late 30s, but I’ve never had this happen before. I don’t want to embarrass him by bringing it up. What’s going on here? Is he not actually attracted to me?

ANSWER: Thank you for having the courage to ask this question.

Difficulty with erections (like most sexual challenges) isn’t usually about attraction to a partner.

There are many things that can contribute to erectile dysfunction for men – and it can happen at any age.

In fact, it happens to most men at least some point in their lives. It’s common for men to experience a few episodes of erection difficulty during a period of heighten stress, tiredness or while feeling performance anxiety, but for this to pass. Other men will experience this as an ongoing issue.

Right now it’s the elephant in the room. He’s probably worried about how you’re feeling about it. Talking about it can actually help. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.

Let him know that you’re okay with it and ask if there’s anything you can do (or not do) that would help.

If it continues, it would be helpful for him to see a GP (erection issues are associated with health issues) or a sexologist for treatment.