Relationship Rehab: ‘Very sexual’ woman’s bedroom issue

At the beginning their sex life was “insane” but then it all turned on its head – and not even a doctor’s visit has been able to fix the issue.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a man who refuses to have sex with his partner, a woman who struggles to get aroused and how to define a relationship when you’ve been dating through lockdown.

HELP! MY BOYFRIEND HASN’T HAD SEX WITH ME FOR YEARS

QUESTION: For the first four months I was with my partner our sex life was insane. Suddenly that stopped, it’s now been four and a half years without any sort of intimacy. Every time I bring it up we end up in a huge fight. We went to the doctor once and she prescribed (erectile dysfunction medication) Cialis. On the rare occasion I can convince him to take one he won’t even try initiate anything sexual and if I do he pushes me away. I am a very sexual person so this is torture for me. Help please!

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ANSWER: First, let me clear up something about medications like Cialis. Tadlafil and sildenafil, which you may know as Cialis, Viagra or their various other brand names, are specifically designed to help men with erectile dysfunction. They weren’t developed to increase sexual desire.

These medications can help to increase desire for men when they experience erectile difficulties and performance anxiety. However, taking these medications on their own doesn’t necessarily increase desire or help someone feel in the mood for sex.

Judging by your report that you need to convince your partner to take them and that he still isn’t interested in being intimate with you, there’s more going on.

A lack of interest in or desire for sex isn’t straightforward. The reasons people lose desire are usually multi-layered and complex.

Given the short period of time that you were having great sex together, I suspect there’s something that makes it difficult for your partner to be intimate (in various ways) with you. My guess is that he has an avoidant attachment style and this is one of the ways he keeps a “safe” distance in his relationships.

However, there may be other factors present for him.

Things are ending in a fight when you try talking about this right now. It tells me that there’s something more going on in your relationship than just his sexual desire. There’s also a breakdown in your communication.

Addressing sexual desire requires a foundation of love, friendship and good communication in a relationship. This needs to be something that you work on as a team. It isn’t up to you to increase your partner’s desire. He needs to be willing to take action too.

Sexual intimacy in romantic relationships is an important need. Picture: iStock.

I suggest trying again to talk to your partner about this in a gentle way and asking if he’s willing to try to find a solution to your different needs for intimacy. Be curious about what might be getting in the way of his desire and what else is going on in the relationship. Ask if he’s willing to speak to a sexologist or sex therapist to find solutions together.

If he still isn’t willing to talk about it or take meaningful action, then you’ll be staying in a relationship that you’ve described as having an aspect of “torture” for you.

Sexual intimacy is a valid need in a relationship.

Four and a half years is a long time to be without physical intimacy, especially if you only had a great sex life for a few months before that. I’d seriously reconsider the relationship.

Sexologist and couples therapist Isiah McKimmie.

MY SEX DRIVE IS NON-EXISTENT — HOW DO I GET IT BACK?

QUESTION: I want to know how to initiate sex again. We’ve been together for 10 years, and over the last few years, my libido has dropped to almost zero. I just very rarely want sex. I don’t even want orgasms by myself. On the rare occasion that I do, I just don’t know how to initiate. I’ve lost all my confidence. But I miss that and I don’t know how to get it back.

ANSWER: There are a few parts of this I want to speak to.

Look at what is getting in the way of your desire. And then what you can do to increase it.

Sometimes, starting is the hardest part. Consider introducing “Bedroom Dates” where you make an agreement that you’ll be physically intimate. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a “sex date”, but you’re giving intimacy the best chance of happening.

Talk together about subtle signs that you can give each other to signal you’re open to sexual intimacy without you having to take all the “risk” of putting yourself out there.

To initiate, you could:

– Have a special candle or lamp that you light

– Send him a text message

– Invite your partner to join you in the shower

– Start to undress your partner

– Whisper into his ear that you’d like to go to bed early

Making a relationship official can be a tricky topic to navigate for some couples. Picture: iStock.

HOW DO I MAKE IT OFFICIAL AFTER DATING THROUGH LOCKDOWN?

QUESTION: I’ve kind of been seeing someone since before all this social distancing started. We’ve been staying in touch online and we’ve now had a few more dates since we’re allowed to see each other again. I feel like things are going well, but I don’t know how he feels. When is the right time to have the conversation about defining this relationship, given that for a lot of the time we’ve been talking, we haven’t been able to actually see each other.

ANSWER: Lockdown has really impacted dating and relationships but there are some things that remain the same.

We’re often afraid of “scaring someone off”, or “coming on too strong” and, as a result, we don’t share how we’re feeling or have the conversations that are important.

We don’t have to sit back and be passive about what we want.

Share how you’re feeling about him, the relationship and what you want. Then ask him how he’s feeling and what he wants.

Being willing to take this first step shows confidence and helps create the foundation of a strong relationship with great communication.