‘I’m terrified of being choked during sex – how do I avoid it?’

It’s getting more common but this sex trend can be “highly dangerous” and can become a serious health risk. WARNING: Adult content

When something doesn’t feel good for you, speak up. Picture: iStock

WARNING: Adult content.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie warns of the dangers of a new sex trend.

Question: I’m 33 and newly single after being with my partner for 10 years. I’m super excited about getting out there and exploring the dating scene but I’m also scared as a lot of my single girlfriends tell me that choking during sex has become common in the world of hook-ups. I’m worried I will end up in a situation where I don’t feel safe. I know some people want to be choked during sex but this is of no interest to me. Why has it become so mainstream? How do I make sure I don’t end up in a situation where it happens to me?

Answer: Your girlfriends are right – ‘choking’ during sex is on the rise. It’s understandable that it doesn’t interest you. There are reasons we should actually be very concerned about it and there are steps you can take to avoid it.

What is ‘choking’ during sex?

Autoerotic asphyxia, also known as strangulation or ‘breath play’ was once a fringe practice associated with Bondage and Discipline (BDSM), but has become increasing normalised in recent years.

Autoerotic asphyxia is believed to increase pleasure during sex by adding risk, dynamics of power and control and by creating a ‘high’ via a lack of oxygen and the release of endorphins. It can happen in solo or partnered sexual encounters.

A 2021 study of university students in the US showed that over one quarter of women experienced being choked in a recent sexual encounter. Anecdotally, those numbers are on the rise and it’s particularly prevalent among millennials.

Autoerotic asphyxia is believed to increase pleasure during sex by adding risk. Picture: Dainis Graveris/Unsplash

Why ‘choking’ is becoming more common during sexual encounters

Choking has become more common in recent decades for a few reasons.

Increased depictions of choking (along with hair pulling, spitting and spanking) undoubtedly play a role in normalising the practice. Choking has also been increasingly mentioned in popular culture, appearing in TV shows, magazines, news sites and in conversation among friends. Many believe choking and other forms of ‘rough sexual play’ are associated with patriarchal attitudes and acceptance of violence towards women.

You’re right to be concerned about choking

Despite potentially adding pleasure for some people, choking is a highly dangerous sexual practice.

There have been numerous cases of choking causing ‘accidental death’. Additionally, choking (when not done with adequate caution) increases your risk of brain injury, cardiac arrest and stroke (for up to six months following the incident).

In all BDSM practices, communication and consent are key. This often doesn’t occur in casual sexual encounters. Unfortunately, people are now also seeing choking done in porn and wanting to (or feeling they should) try it without adequate knowledge or preparation – and without the caution it deserves.

If you are interested in trying choking, make sure it’s done only after adequate research on safety and anatomy, with strong trust and not while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

You don’t need to do anything that doesn’t feel right for you. Picture: We Vibe Toys/Unsplash

How to avoid being in a sexual situation you don’t like

There are steps you can take to help avoid a dangerous or unwanted sexual situation.

Choose your sexual partner wisely

There can be pressure when dating, especially when using the apps, to move quickly into a sexual encounter. It’s totally okay to want to do that but it’s also okay to want to take your time to get to know someone, which can help ensure they’re trustworthy.

Remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t like

Despite how ‘normal’ a sexual practice might seem, you don’t need to do anything that doesn’t feel right for you. Not everyone wants to try BDSM, kink or adventurous sex.

Despite what you’ve already said yes to, you can say no at any point. You don’t owe anyone anything. You can leave if something doesn’t feel good.

When something doesn’t feel good for you, speak up. Picture: iStock

Be aware of red flags

There are often small signs that someone will disrespect your boundaries or ignore consent before you get into the bedroom. Be aware of red flags like someone using coercive language, pressure, subtle put-downs, or trying to move the relationship along quickly.

Signs that someone will respect your boundaries and value your safety include checking in on you, asking what feels good for you and maintaining respectful communication.

Speak up and speak early

When something doesn’t feel good for you, speak up. Consent should be a verbal and enthusiastic ‘yes’. Learn to say ‘no’ and to verbalise what you want.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]