‘Icky’: Why channelling porn stars doesn’t work

An Aussie woman is grossed out by her boyfriend’s “icky” porn move in bed, calling it a “real turn off”.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps a woman who’s put off by her partner’s “icky” porn move.

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have always had a great sex life, but lately something has started to bother me. A few times over the past few weeks, he has gently slapped me down there when we’re getting intimate. To be clear, it was not at all abusive or painful and he’d be horrified if that were the case. But I feel like it’s some kind of icky porn move that is supposed to be sexy, but is really anything but. It’s a real turn off for me. How do we reach a compromise here?

ANSWER: We all have different likes and turn ons in regards to sex. Making sure sex is enjoyable for both you and your partner isn’t so much about compromise, but having great communication and doing what you both enjoy.

It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to increase his repertoire of sexual moves. He might worry that he’s not pleasing you or is just trying to spice things up for both of you.

There’s often pressure on men to ‘take control’ and ‘just know what to do’ in the bedroom, but in the absence of great sex education, people can turn to pornography to fill the gap.

If you’re allowing him to do things that don’t feel great for you, over time, it will contribute to a reduced desire for sex. There are ways that you can learn to give each other more pleasure that feels good for both of you.

Porn can have a negative impact on sex. Picture: Charles Deluvio/Unsplash

Pornography can influence our sexual scripts

Pornography is a contentious issue. While pornography isn’t always problematic, it’s important to be mindful of how and what we’re consuming in regard to porn.

Pornography use can change our sexual scripts – what turns us on and what behaviours we like. Because of the way porn interacts with our dopamine system, it can mean that users search out more extreme content to turn them on. Porn can also influence our ideas of what we think is enjoyable for other people.

While we don’t know that your boyfriend learned this from porn, I can understand why you would feel that a move often depicted in porn is ‘icky’. Many people feel that what is depicted in pornography is degrading for women and doesn’t show what is actually enjoyable from a female perspective.

Have open honest conversations about sex

Being able to talk about sex – openly and honestly – is one of the most important factors of great sex.

You have a really wonderful opportunity here to open up a conversation about what you both like.

It’s helpful to talk about sex both in and out of the bedroom. You don’t have to wait until he does it again to give him feedback about it. Starting a conversation outside the bedroom allows for a more open and varied discussion on your sex life in general.

I’m really curious about the motives behind his decision to try out this new move. In some ways, I admire his boldness in being willing to step outside the box and try something different.

Being able to talk about sex – openly and honestly – is one of the most important factors of great sex. Picture: Priscilla du Preez

Here’s how you might start the conversation:

Hey, I’ve noticed you trying out some new moves in the bedroom lately. I love that you’re doing that. Seeing you take control is super sexy. I don’t love that little slap move you do, I prefer when you’re more gentle. Is that something you enjoy or something you thought I might enjoy?

Your boyfriend might well have seen this ‘move’ in porn and assumed it would be enjoyable for you too. Or he may be turned on by the idea of BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission) and wanted to try it.

Your boyfriend might well have seen this ‘move’ in porn and assumed it would be enjoyable for you too. Picture: Dainis Graveris

You may be able to take the themes that interest him and engage with them in a way you both like. He might also benefit from engaging in sex education or pornography that is more aligned with your sexual interests.

Variety is good for our sex life

Variety is an important factor in great sex. Novelty can help keep desire and passion alive. Opening sexual conversation allows you the chance to increase variety in ways that you both enjoy.

Try Body Mapping

My body mapping exercise is also a great way to practice sexual communication and changing up your sexual routine.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy. If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]