‘My husband gropes my boobs all the time which I hate’

An Aussie wife has described one thing that her husband does to her breasts which she “hates” – and how their sex lives are totally at odds.

An exhausted wife seeks help regarding her husband’s porn habits and his lack of help with their children and housework.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie answers a tired reader’s sex question.

QUESTION: My husband has a high sex drive, whereas I have none. I’m exhausted from parenting and keeping the household going, while he does nothing to help apart from go to work (which I do too). To make things worse, he gropes my boobs all the time, which I hate. He never gives me any affection or tells me that he loves me, but then expects me to have sex with him. He watches porn all the time on his phone to masturbate, but when we do have sex, he cannot ejaculate. What can we do to improve our sex lives?

ANSWER: It sounds like there’s a lot going on here – in your sex life and in your relationship. Neither you nor your husband are getting your relationship needs met right now, and it’s likely to increase tension and distance between you if you don’t take action.

Sexual desire is a common issue in relationships

It’s common for couples to have different sexual desire levels, but it needs to be managed well together to avoid arguments and tension.

Sexual desire is a complex issue – there are many factors that impact our desire levels, leading some people to experience higher sexual desire than others.

Desire can also change depending on the circumstances around us.

Think of sexual desire like a car

It can be helpful to understand that sexual desire is ‘responsive’ rather than ‘spontaneous’. This means that it arises or disappears based on a number of different factors.

A helpful way to think about it is like a car – with brakes and accelerators. In order to get desire moving, we need to remove the brakes and increase accelerators.

It’s common for couples to have different brakes and accelerators – which can make desire more confusing and difficult to deal with.

The woman is frustrated her husband isn’t pulling his weight around the house. Picture: unsplash/Kyle Broad

In your case, here are some brakes that I hear:

• Exhaustion

• Feeling disconnected from your partner

• Feeling unsupported around the house

• The way you partner touches you or tries to initiate sex

• Your partner not ejaculating during sex with you

I’m sure there are probably more.

With all these brakes, I’m not surprised that you have no sexual desire right now. Even if you were to try adding sexual accelerators right now, it probably wouldn’t be enough to overcome the strong brakes.

It sounds like your partner has different sexual brakes than you do – he might even have fewer sexual brakes overall.

You husband is initiating poorly because he knows he’ll be rejected

For many people, sex is an important way to feel loved and wanted. When they’re not wanted by their partner in that way, they can feel rejected, frustrated and alone.

Rather than risk being disappointed again, these partners can initiate sex or intimacy in ways that their partner is very likely to say no to. It’s self-defeating, but in some ways it can protect them from the disappointment of facing rejection.

That doesn’t necessarily make it easy for you when it happens.

The husband watches porn on his phone, but can’t ejaculate during sex with his wife. Picture: iStock

How to deal with difficulty reaching ejaculation

It’s increasingly common for men to experience difficulty reaching climax with a partner – often due to their use of pornography or masturbation habits.

Work on your relationship together

There’s a lot that’s going on between you, and it sounds like it’s built up over time. There is more to deal with here than just improving your sex life.

You’ll need to talk effectively about how you manage chores together, how you address your sexual brakes and how you can make sure you both enjoy sex.

You’ll need to try to meet each other’s needs and work together on the issues you’re facing. It’s going to take time and effort from both of you to deal with these issues and get your relationship back on track.

Given the number of issues going on between you, I do recommend that you reach out and get support from a couples therapist and sexologist who can help you rebuild your connection, improve communication and regain sexual intimacy.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]