‘My wife cheated and everything has changed’

An Aussie man has detailed the pain he’s feeling after being betrayed by his wife – and why he can’t move on.

Discovering that a partner has cheated on you can have an enormous psychological impact on you. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps console a man trying to get over his wife’s affair.

Question: I caught my wife cheating on me four months back and things between us have changed completely. I have forgiven her but I cannot forget. She is not being very open and communicative and I’ve also stopped communicating with her unless it’s essential. We have two grown-up daughters and want to keep everything normal in front of them but it’s getting very hard. I used to care about her but now … I just don’t care. In fact, a lot of things I cared about don’t matter anymore. I try to be selfish and just do what makes me happy just so that I can live through this mess. I am more sad than angry. What makes it worse is that I have to face him on many occasions, which I cannot avoid. This keeps the whole thing fresh in my mind. Can you help?

Answer: I’m sorry you’re going through this. Being cheated on is an incredibly painful experience. You can feel like your whole world is unstable. You can be left questioning whether your entire relationship was a lie, feel uncertain about your life and doubt yourself and your judgment (which is often the hardest part). Overcoming infidelity takes considerable time – and a lot of effort from both of you. At this point, just four months on, this is still very raw. I wouldn’t expect you to have forgotten or forgiven by now.

How to overcome infidelity in a relationship

Overcoming infidelity isn’t easy, but it is possible. Many couples who experience infidelity choose to stay together and try to work on the relationship. While not all are successful, many are. Studies show that 60-80 per cent of relationships that experience infidelity survive – and these numbers are highest when the infidelity is disclosed and when the couple seeks therapy.

Marriage survival after an affair is more likely when the infidelity is disclosed and the couple seeks therapy. Picture: iStock

The affair partner needs to show genuine remorse

You’ll need to feel that your partner is genuinely sorry for what happened in order to successfully move on. If your partner remains defensive or justifies their choice, repair is going to be difficult.

Genuine remorse is more than saying ‘sorry’. Your wife will need to express regret and empathy for the hurt she’s caused you. One apology won’t be enough – you’ll need to have many conversations and hear many apologies to be able to move forward.

Talk together

Communicating at a time like this can be difficult. But being able to talk through this is essential to being able to repair your relationship.

Keeping your feelings inside or trying to ‘just get over them’ will do more harm to you and your relationship in the long term.

Even though emotions will be running high for both of you, you’ll need to find productive ways to talk this through. (This is an area where Couples Therapy is particularly helpful.)

You’ll need to have discussions that don’t end in heated arguments or in one of you shutting down or walking away. Criticism and being nasty to each other will damage your relationship further.

You’ll need to have discussions that don’t end in heated arguments or in one of you shutting down or walking away. Picture: iStock

Rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust takes time. It’s not enough for someone to tell you that you can trust them again. Trust is built in small moments every day. You’ll need to see that your wife keeps her word on small things, is open and honest with you – and maintains this over time.

Both of you will need to feel that your emotions are understood and that your needs are being considered by each other.

Rebuilding trust here will also include agreeing together on how deal with ‘him’. It’s important that you feel your wife is supporting you where needed to deal with seeing him – and her seeing him.

Address underlying relationship issues

While the state of the relationship can never be blamed for one partner choosing to break agreements, there are certain conditions in a relationship where we’re more likely to see cheating occur.

In relationships where cheating has occurred, there has most often been a lack of communication, disconnection – and in some cases (but not all) a lack of sexual intimacy. There are historical grievances on both sides that need to be addressed.

But, and I cannot stress this enough, you need to have rebuilt trust and broken unhelpful communication traits in order to do this.

Discovering that a partner has cheated on you can have an enormous psychological impact. Picture: iStock

Seek professional help

I strongly recommend any couple who has experienced infidelity to reach out to a qualified and experienced Couples Therapist for support. When emotions are running high it’s difficult to have the conversations that are needed to move on from this without hurting each other further. A good Couples Therapist will guide you through a proven process, give you new tools and support you to navigate this painful situation.

Take good care of yourself

Discovering that a partner has cheated on you can have an enormous psychological impact on you. Don’t underestimate this. It can be difficult speaking to friends and family about what’s happening, increasing your burden. Consider reaching out to a therapist yourself for support.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.