Jo Thornely recaps First Dates Australia episode seven
THERE were some classy, classy people on First Dates last night. Shane, for instance. He really has a way with words.
WELCOME to the First Dates drinking game!
Take a drink any time anyone says “hysterical” or “Instagram”.
THE COUPLE UNTROUBLED BY OVER-THINKING
Amy’s dress tonight is pretty, sweet and simple, much like her date Ryan.
The only complicated thing about personal trainer Ryan is the fact that his sister helps him pluck his eyebrows.
He’s like a better-looking Forrest Gump, but Amy isn’t sure about him at first.
“There were certain times in the conversation where I thought that he may be a little less mature than what I would perhaps be interested in”, she diplomatically tells us. Gradually the conversation warms up though, like thigh muscles during a leg workout:
“I love training legs. So if I was training you I’d definitely be training legs” (Ryan likes training legs).
“I’ve had one girlfriend previously. I miss having a girlfriend. I enjoy having a girlfriend” (Ryan likes having a girlfriend).
“So when were you last happiest?” (Ryan likes to know when Amy was last happiest).
Luckily, when the way you think is pretty straightforward, life is also pretty straightforward.
“I’m having dinner with Amy. I think I’m pretty lucky” (Ryan likes Amy and using Amy’s name when he’s talking to Amy).
Whether she likes him or just wants a free leg workout, Amy agrees to a second date, and they leave the restaurant holding hands.
THE BAD FIRST IMPRESSION
Always remember: if you think someone is drunk, check again. They might just be Irish.
Properly Oirish Anthony is back, this time paired with gym-owning stunner Davina.
It’s fair to say that the date does not start well, or at least it starts as well as a date can when one participant assumes the other participant is a drunk, unintelligible idiot. Davina can’t understand a word Anthony says.
“Are you drunk right now? Blink twice if you are”, she commands.
Furthering her campaign of subtle emasculation, Davina orders and pays for Anthony, and tries to make conversation.
“What are your hobbies?” she asks. “Drinking piss?”
Anthony surprises her by casually dropping that he likes scuba-diving, has a skydiving licence, studied law for six years, and climbs African mountains for children’s charities.
He also seems to have mastered the art of facial expression alchemy, changing this:
By the time he’s finished proving her initial assumptions wrong, she calls him a legend and they decide to go for a drink. With subtitles.
THE COUPLE THAT WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE
Psychology student Nicole is a beautiful, intelligent girl.
Ex-flight attendant Matthew’s looking for a beautiful, intelligent girl that he has a lot in common with.
Matthew and Nicole have breathing, turning up at the same place, and being mammals in common, but that’s about it.
As adorable as Matthew’s earnest quest for the perfect partner is, he pretty much writes the instructions for what not to do on dates. In return, Nicole provides an illustrated guide to uncomfortable facial expressions.
1. Do not tell your date that you dreamt about her as soon as you meet her.
“I was actually dreaming about this — your name was Nicola. I was just rehearsing in my mind what I was going to say to you!”
2. Think of something to say before you start talking.
Matthew takes 10 minutes to utter the sentence “what you’re doing should be rewarding”, tripping in the middle and at both ends. When Nicole helps finish his sentence for him, Andrew sees it as a sign that they’re soulmates.
3. Do not keep insisting that you have things in common.
“It’s so freaky that you keep saying this stuff, because it just feels like we’ve got so much in common. It’s ridiculous. It’s really uncanny, hey. I’m getting a bit flustered because we just have too much in common”. Take it away, Nicole.
Finally, when your date politely and sensitively rejects you, don’t try to convince them otherwise. It’s upsetting, but still a fact, that whoever says no to the next date gets the final say. Weirdly the stalking laws in most states agree. Cute, right?
THE SAME-SEX COUPLE
It’s brilliant that First Dates slotted Harry and Iain’s date into this week’s episode without fanfare, but it will definitely be the focus of controversy. I mean, if we let celebrity psychics date telepathic body readers, what’s next, crystal healers dating tarot specialists? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TALK TO OUR CHILDREN ABOUT INTUITIVE THERAPIES?!
Iain has the kind of demeanour that doctors would prescribe for a deep, calm, restful sleep. Harry has the kind of demeanour that doctors would prescribe if doctors didn’t want you to sleep at all. Sure, he seems like fun, but so does a vuvuzela when you first bring it home from the shops.
With the exception of their professions, Harry and Iain don’t seem to have a lot in common. Harry’s repeated insistence that Iain is ‘hysterical’ only serves to confuse Iain, and Iain’s avuncular stylings don’t really match with Harry. It’s like when straight people try to set up their gay friends solely because they’re gay. “Hey, you’re both human — you should totally hook up!”
Oh, well. While we can’t expect all psychics to automatically be compatible, at least we get some valuable insight into telepathic body reading. We learn that Harry has ‘typical intuitive ears’. It’s HYSTERICAL.
“Isn’t that incredible!” Harry exclaims. “How much sense does that make?”.
Alas, more sense than matching these two.
What we need now is a heartwarming couple that sets fire to our emotions and inspires us to greater things. So:
THE NARCISSIST AND THE GLAMOUR MODEL
Because we can’t have an episode without a heaving chest, Jemma is a glamour model with extremely noticeable bra-filling skills.
The heaving chest, however, comes in the form of Shane. From the moment he rocks up to the bar with wraparound sunnies on his head and a single cellophane-wrapped rose, we know Shane is something special.
Shane is in garden maintenance, with a sideline in unbelievably popular Instagram selfies. He doesn’t like to talk about it, though. Well, not more often than once every two minutes or so.
“My modelling has evolved from Instagram, so to speak” he says, using ‘so to speak’ in the same way most Renaissance poets do. “Through that I’ve got five book covers with me on the front of ‘em”, he continues, competently understanding where things on book covers go.
Shane stops taking selfies for long enough to ask the barman if he’d like to photo-bomb one of his selfies, takes a few more selfies, and pauses again to hand Jemma the rose and some chocolates. It’s like when King Edward VIII met Mrs Simpson but with way, way more tattoos.
“First impressions?” Shane says to camera, analysing the enchantment. “Well, obviously I noticed her tits”.
It’s entirely possible that Shane is the most romantic man in Australia.
He warms Jemma’s heart by telling her he’d lose Instagram followers if he posted a selfie with her.
He supports her by inviting her to stand up and show him her modelling work.
He keeps her entertained by forgetting her name.
When Awkward Question Time comes around, he says those words that all girls want to hear: “I was gonna ask you what you were doin’ later. If you were goin’ out I was gonna go out”.
Then, when Jemma inexplicably rejects him, he asks for half his chocolates back.
There’s only one end-of-date animation the producers could possibly use to summarise this incredible journey.
ROMANCE.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely
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