Jo Thornely recaps First Dates Australia episode six

DEAN couldn’t believe his luck. On First Dates last night, he was matched up with Eve - a single mum and topless waitress.

IT’S Episode 6 of First Dates and I, like so many people on these dates, have a LOT of questions.

Questions like:

HOW ASK QUESTIONS GOOD?

When circus performer Dakota and photographer/music teacher Reece first meet, it feels awkward — even more awkward than usual in this, the restaurant of awkward.

She’s pretty, perky, and bendy, and spends 11 months of the year travelling. He’s handsome, well-dressed, and asks icebreaker questions at a primary school level.

He asks her how old she is. She answers. It’s less interesting than you expect from a conversation between an aerialist and a musician.

“OK ...” continues Reece, “ ... what other questions can I ask ...”

Dude. Literally every other question except “how old are you?”.

He thinks.

“Favourite colour?” he asks.

“Purple”, she answers.

“Any pets?” Reece continues.

“No”, Dakota answers.

What’s your favourite Pokemon?

This is as romantic as The Notebook if the actual notebook was made from coarse-grit sandpaper.

Gradually, whether due to wine or familiarity, the questions improve.

“Have you had any like, horror stories from the circus?” he asks.

Dakota tells him a story about a guy called Luigi and the Wheel Of Death, which coincidentally is the name of my next metal band.

“Would you rather have no elbows, or no knees?”.

YES. THERE we go.

The pair warm to each other so thoroughly that they take a selfie, which everyone knows means true love.

You couldn’t do this without elbows, y’know.

By the time they get to Awkward Question Time, a second date is inevitable, and Dakota gives Reece a ‘clown kiss’.

It’s like a normal kiss, just with less consent.

It’s ON.

I still have some questions though.

HOW MUCH CRAFT SHOULD I DO BEFORE A DATE?

Stuntman Corey, who has a relaxed attitude to life but a no-nonsense attitude to beige three-piece suits, goes straight to the dinner table to drape himself over a chair.

What a cunning stunt.

His date Tammy, who does not have a relaxed attitude to anything and likes not being judged for living with her parents, has brought Corey a present.

No, it’s not crystal meth.

It’s a loveheart-shaped puzzle with instructions that Corey can only get by answering three out of five love-themed trivia questions correctly. The questions are in an envelope decorated with a heart.

It just screams fun, doesn’t it?

Although that screaming noise might be me.

The first question is “How many calories per minute do you burn kissing?”. Corey answers “seven” but alas, the answer is two. Meanwhile, I’ve burned about four hundred calories just by hating this date.

He also gets the question about the phrase “going Dutch” wrong, which Tammy says is funny because her mum got it wrong when she was testing out her questions at home last night.

It’s so weird that this date isn’t going better when it’s already been tested out on one of the participants’ parents.

Mum wrote that she’d love to see me again.

Corey gets dangerously close to actually having to do the puzzle, but thankfully he bombs in the final round. They argue about whether or not “Valentimes” Day is a public holiday, and by this point even the hand towels in the bathroom know this date is a bust.

But I still have a couple of questions.

IS ... IS YOUR DRESS ON BACK TO FRONT?

We’re told 40-year-old Eva leads a double life.

Or possibly a Double D life.

Eva’s actually a fascinating woman — a single mum, a topless waitress with aspirations to be a lollipop lady, and a believer in the love of a good-hearted man. She also has the flirtatious subtlety of a tsunami of anvils.

Dean is a truck driver and footy coach who likes a beer. Dean cannot believe his luck.

Strewth, would ya look at those.

My only concern is that Eva doesn’t seem to stop working. Sometimes it’s like she’s purring at a buck’s night attendee rather than chatting with a bloke. On the other hand, maybe she always orders a shot called a Wet Pussy and discusses how oysters feel sliding down her throat on dates, I wouldn’t know.

Dean doesn’t mind, though. He’s a simple man looking for an attractive lady who’ll let him go out on the occasional bender. As he tells Eva, “Looks are important, without tryin’ ta sound materialistic and that. Good sense a humour. Obviously you got that”. Good on him for noticing anything that isn’t Eva’s upper torso, really.

Those are great senses of humour.

I reckon those four are gonna make it.

I still have more questions, though:

WHAT CAN I BELIEVE IN NOW THAT LOVE IS DEAD?

Look, no spoilers, but sometimes this show leads you along a path lined with hope, then stabs you in the heart with an angry mastiff.

See, Patrick is a tall, adorable unit from Darwin who trains horses. He’s the kind of guy that answers “You can’t look this good and feel bad” when the maitre d’ asks him how he is.

Erin says her ideal guy is a tall animal lover who lives outside the city. She basically describes Patrick.

Darwin is a city that’s outside a city.

We watch them discuss SpongeBob SquarePants and we’re mentally designing their wedding invitations.

We watch them joke about her having lipstick on her teeth, and we’re picking them a house to live in.

We listen to her relentless horse puns like “I asked you equestrian” and we’re like “ugh, puns”, but still planning their honeymoon.

THEY CAN GET MARRIED ON A HORSE

This is what it looks like when two people are made for each other. Even when they have a bizarre conversation about rocks, it’s cute. It’s their thing. It’s their signature move.

Until Awkward Question Time, when Erin just bluntly blurts “I don’t think there’ll be a second date”.

WHAT

Lady, you just made ... what’s the population of Australia? You just made a LOT of enemies.

“Oh well”, says disappointed Patrick. “I can’t have a second date by myself”. Not on television, anyway.

Despite the cardiovascular trauma, I have one final question:

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN PUT THESE TWO IN THE SAME HEMISPHERE?

Normally I think the people picking the couples on this show really know their stuff. This is not one of those times.

Sure, American Katy likes Australian men and Andrew likes non-Australian women, but that still leaves ... what’s the population of Australia? A LOT of people more compatible than this.

She’s been on 50 dates in the past year, looks like she’s showered in the past week, and likes anyone who doesn’t still live at home with their parents.

Plus I’m cankle-free!

He can’t stand cankles, lives at home with his parents, and looks like he’s been recently dragged backwards through a field of thistles and broken bricks.

He did wash his hair, though. Bonus.

There are some cute-ish moments and reasonably upbeat banter, but even though he’s picked his shirt specifically to match his eyes, she can’t get past the living-at-home thing. For one thing, she’s generally not ready to meet a date’s parents first thing in the morning. After. You know. It.

“All good”, reassures Andrew. “I’ll kick you out at three o’clock”.

I wish I had cankles.

Just in case you’ve never been able to pick it before, this is what it looks like when two people have nothing in common:

The 51st date is always such a disappointment.

That’s it. I have no more questions. Although I do need to Google cankles and the population of Australia.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

For more awkward first dates:

First Dates episode 1 recap

First Dates episode 2 recap

First Dates episode 3 recap

First Dates episode 4 recap

First Dates episode 5 recap