Jo Thornely recaps the first episode of First Dates Australia

THERE’S an excruciatingly brilliant new dating show on TV, and it’s already teaching us stuff. Lesson one: hot people have one glaring flaw.

IT’S the new reality dating show that’s excruciating in the best possible way.

First Dates Australia films every cringe-worthy moment of couples on blind dates, and at the end, in front of each other, they have to decide if they’d like to keep the relationship going — no ghosting allowed.

Jo Thornely recaps the first episode.

WELCOME to First Dates Australia, sponsored by the steak industry, country manners, and unnatural nail colours.

If you watch Friends, this is called ‘pulling a Monica’. If you don’t, it’s called ‘blue’.

For a reality show, it’s weird in that there’s no twists, no hidden agendas, no challenges or competitions. It’s a bunch of blind dates that are sometimes cute, sometimes excruciating, and sometimes just a guy you want to douse with disinfectant.

So, like a pervy guy at a swingers party, let’s watch one couple at a time.

Aiden smiles at Emily ...

Emily smiles at Aiden ...

THE HOT BUT BORING COUPLE

Aiden’s an international model with jeans he left in the oven too long and a thing for island women.

Emily’s an island woman who likes romance and sparks. Super-big on sparks is Emily.

He has long hair, she has long hair, they’re perfect for each other, right?

Right?

She talks about love a lot. He says ‘definitely’ a lot.

She asks if he’s a romantic. He mentions fresh-cut flowers. She sighs and asks him where he’s been. They’re perfect for each other, right?

They talk on, and we realise that what we’ve always suspected about unbelievably hot people is true.

Unbelievably hot people are boring.

But at least they’re perfect for each other, right?

Oh.

At Awkward Question Time, when asked if they’d like a second date, she rejects him. No spark, you see. They both have a lot of hair and a lot of visible cleavage, but no spark.

If you look closely, you can see his heart breaking underneath his pectorals.

THE COOL CHICK AND THE ENDEARING IDIOT

Nicholas’s surname is Nicholas. He has two first names and no good shirts. He is also very, very aware he’s on camera at all times.

Nicholas Nicholas falls instantly in love with Dannii, who is quite possibly the best girl ever. I was so ready to judge her blondeness and boobiness, but then very quickly I just wanted her to be my best friend and laugh at my jokes.

Just keep looking at your own chest, buddy.

Weirdly enough she keeps laughing at Nicholas Nicholas’ jokes, and I admit he does have an embarrassing, dorky charm. When he’s not calling a mate in the bathroom to ask for pick-up lines.

The line he’s given is “Are you a magician? Because when I look at you, everyone else disappears”.

He stuffs it up, at which point the producers cut to this unrelated image:

Treat ‘em meanie, keep ‘em zucchini

But Dannii loves it. Nicholas Nicholas can’t seem to do anything wrong, including forgetting her name and giving her the world’s ugliest craft therapy necklace with half of his names on it.

As long as it’s only the rope that gives you a rash.

By the time they get to Awkward Question Time, she’s happy to go on a second date. Funny guys and brown necklace manufacturers rejoice!

THE CUTEST COUNTRY COUPLE EVER

Young Tom is from a small country town and there’s a very excellent chance he’s never seen a pair of girl’s underpants before.

Nice to see you.

Vanessa is from a different country town and has never had a chair pulled out for her before.

Nice to see YOU.

Neither of them have been on a date in a real fancy restaurant before. Neither of them have met anyone so lovely or so polite before. Neither of them realise that we are all going to their incredibly adorable wedding in a couple of months, just as soon as they’ve stopped saying “nice to see you” to each other.

When the bill comes, as if the Country Women’s Association had written the recipe for cute themselves, this happens:

More electricity than a battery-powered cattle prod.

Tom and Vanessa are rural Australia’s Romeo and Juliet. But like, with less deaths and stuff.

Awwwwwww.

THE I’M NOT A CRAZY CAT LADY AND CORBIN

Lauren and Corbin are both warm-blooded bipeds, but the similarity pretty much stops there.

In Lauren’s words:

“I’ve definitely had those days where like most women where I felt like dating may just never happen? That I may die alone? That I’m gonna be living with 10 cats, and that no-one will know that I’ve died because the cats would’ve eaten me?”

Lauren seems pretty relaxed.

Hey Lauren, let’s make the next one decaf.

Lauren trains six days a week. Lauren would like no butter in her Paris butter. Lauren has achieved almost everything in her five-year plan except for eating carbs and letting other people talk.

In Corbin’s words:

“Yep”.

You know how when a clothes shop advertises itself as a ‘fashion boutique’, you can almost guarantee there’s nothing fashionable inside? Lauren tells Corbin she’s not crazy nine times.

Weirdly Corbin denies the opportunity for another date.

He must be crazy.

So I guess all that leaves is:

THE CREEPIEST GUY TO BE ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING EVER

In what world does a vivacious, salsa-dancing Sicilian woman in a satin dress with a frothy explosion of hair become the second-most noteworthy person in the room? In a world where Chris exists.

He does believe he has arrived.

I can say with complete sincerity that everything Chris says and does is the worst thing that has ever happened.

From the moment he meets Caterina and says “We’re going to spend a little bit of time together. Let’s get lubricated”, you know that he’s the kind of man who practices his pick-up lines in the mirror and his kissing skills on life-size dolls made from real human skin.

Chris is the kind of man who says that the vibrations in house music make him hot, while making this face:

Australia feels the vibration of imminent upchuck.

Chris is the kind of man who, when asked what he does for a living, says “You know how like every man has his passions? I think with women, it goes down a little bit deeper. They’ve got more than passions. I think they’ve got ...”

(Chris pauses, Australia waits, gorge rising)

“..... ZEST”.

Caterina is the kind of woman who smiles confusedly while a smarmy idiot wearing a suit and jogging shoes rubs her hands across the table.

It’s OK, she has hand sanitiser in her purse.

Very surprisingly, we find that Caterina seems willing to go on a second date.

Maybe she has shares in Ipecac.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely