Jo Thornely recaps First Dates Australia episode four
THIS booze-loving Kiwi was more than happy to talk about sex on a first date. Hilarious accents abound on last night’s First Dates.
WELCOME to the multicultural First Dates restaurant, where love blooms on the inside, and it’s constantly raining on the outside.
This can get quite complicated, so try to keep up. Ready?
THE HALF-VIETNAMESE MULTI-LINGUAL BODYBUILDER AND THE TINY ITALIAN
Petite, pretty Catherine comes from a large family and is presumably single because 20 per cent of the men in Australia are her cousins. She likes clean-cut, ambitious men, but what she really gets giggly about is an erotic male dancer.
Massive unit David speaks four and a half languages, and is an erotic male dancer.
Apart from the fact that when they sit together it looks like it’s a split screen between this and a much larger show, they get along pretty well.
David tells us that most people just notice his giant guns and don’t realise he has a brain, so he shows Catherine he can say “I love you” in four different languages, adding that in German it sounds like “I like dick” as an added intellectual bonus.
“Oh my god, he’s got these giant guns”, says Catherine to a mate on the phone in the toilet.
As an aside, Catherine says that “he’s not usually my type, but he’s ... becoming my type”. Presumably more so every time he removes an item of clothing.
It’s a no-brainer with brains. These two are going on a second date. She’s going to see his Magic Mike.
It’s a match! Next:
THE HALF-GHANAIAN/HALF-PAPUA NEW GUINEAN TWINS, THE HALF-NIGERIAN AND THE PRETEND SOUTH AFRICAN
Valery and Cheyenne are twins and wear exactly the same thing as each other for their date, because apparently they hate recap writers who need to be able to tell them apart.
WAIT — confident Cheyenne has pale nail polish and shyer Valery has dark nail polish!
The twins haven’t dated much, and oh my god they’re so nervous they can’t even deal. Chey likes confident men, which hopefully for Andrew means men so confident they wear their sunglasses indoors at night.
Valery likes tall guys with a nice smile, which is great because the personable Remy is at least six feet tall before his forehead even starts.
Andrew impresses Cheyenne with his travel tales and she can’t even deal, he’s so cute oh my god.
Remy charms Valery with his interest in acting, and SHE can’t even deal, he’s so cute oh my god.
The sisters meet in the bathroom to discuss how cute their dates are, confirm without a shadow of a doubt that they cannot, in actuality, even deal, and take a quick twin selfie.
All four of them quickly establish that they’re DYING and seriously so cute honestly, so a second date is definitely on the cards.
I just hope that Cheyenne and Valery wear different nail polish again, and that they can deal.
It’s a match match! Except for Remy’s fake South African accent. Honestly, who would make fun of anyone’s accent?
THE DRINKING KIWI AND THE DRINKING AUSTRALIAN/INDONESIAN DUAL CITIZEN
Introduced as a party girl, Loaan is from New Zealand and loves a drunk (that’s Kiwi for ‘drink’, for those of you making fun of accents today).
Describing Loaan as ‘reasonably upfront’ is like describing Donald Trump as ‘a bit on the pompous side’.
“Ut’s good to not hev six on the first date”, she says. “Although saying thet, I hev slipt wuth a lot of people on first dates”.
Clearly the perfect man for Loaan would be the kind of guy who has a tattoo of a drunk taco on his leg, but where do you find one of those in a pinch?
Joel likes drinking, tattoos, going to Bali, and people who like drinking, tattoos and going to Bali. These two seem like a match made in a bar named Heaven, from the moment she says she doesn’t like older guys because they talk about settling down and “what they’re gonna name our kuds”, and he thinks that’s “gayyyyy”.
Loaan even eschews dinner in favour of maintaining a liquid diet, and from that point the date is probably described best in pictures.
Loaan’s life policy is to do whatever she wants, and the only date hiccups occur when she gets a bit upset to camera about her past, and when she comes to terms with the fact that Joel is in possession of something she has just described as evil: a child. Oh well, there’s a pretty good way to dull the pain of both of those things, right?
They agree to meet up in Bali, and he carries her down the street over his shoulder. It’s like a tattoo of Romeo & Juliet.
Ut’s a metch!
So finally:
THE RETURN OF KATE AND THE MAN SHE STOLE FROM ME
Personal assistant Kate is back for a second go, and I really, really want her to find love this time. Until I see the tall glass of water she’s set up with.
James is tall, mildly British, funny, in man-love with his housemate Adam, and the co-owner of a cat called Mojo.
But mostly he’s just kind of dreamy.
Luckily for me, Kate can’t seem to stand him.
Except, because Kate has eyes and ears and is alive, she’s instantly and irreversibly besotted with James. She gives it away in tiny, subtle clues like telling the waitress “I don’t know where he came from or where he’s been my entire life, but he’s so CUTE!”. She also tells the waitress that she “f**king hates cats” though, so maybe I’m in with a chance?
It’s a turbo-match!
Wait — that’s five from five this week! What should we do to celebrate, Loaan?
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely
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