‘Is sexism a deal-breaker if he’s otherwise respectful?’

A woman has sought advice after discovering her new boyfriend, who is always “very respectful”, follows misogynistic influencers.

Sexism is often fairly normalised in our culture. As women, we’re socialised to be agreeable. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains why dating a misogynist wannabe can only end one way.

Question

“I’ve been dating a guy for around eight months, and he has always been very respectful – but I recently found out that he’s a big fan of some problematic, ultraconservative and misogynistic male influencers. This seems like a giant red flag – but is it enough to throw away an otherwise happy relationship over?”

Answer

If ultraconservative, misogynistic values were aligned with yours, it wouldn’t be a problem. But I think you’re right to be concerned about this. A difference in values can cause ongoing tension in a relationship.

I’m assuming that you’re a woman in a heterosexual relationship. This gender difference between you is likely to have consequences if he’s a fan of misogynistic influencers.

Is it OK to end a relationship with someone who admires people whose values don’t align with yours? Picture: iStock

You don’t have to agree on everything, but different values cause tension

Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and values. Values in and of themselves don’t determine whether we have a satisfactory relationship.

As therapists, we often support people with different values to our own and I see couples with a wide range of values who have happy relationships.

Couples don’t need to agree on everything for a relationship to survive. It’s common for couples to have different views – and even to have repetitive arguments about certain issues. However, an underlying difference in fundamental values can turn challenging disagreements into incredibly divisive arguments.

You’re likely well aware of the issues that could arise for you in this relationship. Picture: unsplash

The values of people we admire is a reflection of our own values. If we listen to people we admire long enough, we’re likely to take on more and more of their views. Values then help drive our decisions and actions.

I think what you’re asking is, even if you haven’t seen those values play out into action yet, is it OK to end a relationship with someone who admires people whose values don’t align with yours?

Yes, it is.

I know you said he has been very respectful to you so far. But I have some questions for you.

Firstly, has he really been respectful – or are there small things that you’ve dismissed?

Sexism is often fairly normalised in our culture. As women, we’re socialised to be agreeable. We often dismiss things that don’t feel OK to us because we don’t want to upset those around us.

Too often couples don’t have important conversations

It’s easy to get caught up in feeling good at the beginning of a relationship – and avoid the difficult conversations.

Research shows that couples who have clear conversations and make agreements together have more successful relationships than those who just go with the flow.

Sexism is often fairly normalised in our culture. As women, we’re socialised to be agreeable. Picture: iStock

Have you had enough of the deep, challenging, important conversations yet to know how his views might translate into action later on?

If you see the influencers he follows as problematic, you’re likely well aware of the issues that could arise for you in this relationship.

What will he expect in terms of your career and raising kids? Will that align with your needs and desires? What will happen when the two of you disagree? How will the beliefs of those he admires come out and impact his views on decision making between a man and a woman?

Again, there’s nothing wrong with the answers to any of these – as long as they’re aligned with your views too.

If you think something is a red flag – it probably is.

You’re concerned about this for a reason. You can trust yourself.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.