In a difficult world, spare a thought for this minority group
IT’S important to remember this often overlooked and disadvantaged group, writes Jo Thornely. Hats off to organisations like the Miss Teen USA pageant that give them refuge.
IN A world where such downtrodden groups as affluent white males and excessively patriotic Australians are collecting together to defend their rights, it’s important to remember that there’s another group that’s often overlooked and disadvantaged: Blondes.
At roughly two per cent of the global population (pushing maybe eight per cent if you include those whose curtains chemically mismatch their carpet), blondes are an actual statistical minority. They can claim quite literally that the world is not fair.
Blondes are marginally more likely to get sunburnt and be attacked by mosquitoes.
Blondes are less likely to be taken seriously, with up to nine out of 10 people assuming blondes are less intelligent than brunettes (for any blondes reading: remember nine is upside-down six).
Currently the world’s most famous blonde is Donald Trump. As far as having public figures to identify with, our straw-haired associates are truly suffering.
The assumption that blondes are more fun puts a lot of undue pressure on them at parties, and because of their lack of skin/hair contrast, they’re terrible candidates for laser hair removal.
Blondes also fare terribly in fairytales, being subjected to imprisonment in towers, servitude to stepsisters, being terrorised by bears, and having to pronounce really hard names like ‘Rumpelstiltskin’.
Happily this month there’s been a handful of selfless organisations willing to give these marginalised, chromosomal oddities a leg-up. Hats off to you:
ROXY JACENKO’S PR COMPANY
As reported by blonde 60 Minutes reporter Allison Langdon, blonde PR maven Roxy Jacenko’s office is a sea of statistics-warping fair-haired employees. Sure, Roxy peppers the open-plan hot-desks with intermittent brunettes, but she’s batting well above the world average in the flaxen-follicle stakes.
Without the PR industry and Roxy’s contribution in particular, opportunities for blondes both in employment and on Instagram would be woefully inadequate.
THE BACHELOR AUSTRALIA
Granted, it could be argued that being paired with the handsome but uncomplicated blonde-ish Richie might be a disadvantage in life rather than an advantage, but the 2016 crop of hopeful Bachelorettes are overwhelmingly fair-haired.
The token pool of brunettes shrinks alarmingly week by week, giving much-needed opportunities for love to the paler-haired contestants. Bravo, reality television. You’re the safe space blondes can consistently rely on.
MISS TEEN USA
Beauty pageants in general are a struggling blonde’s natural refuge, and none more so than Miss Teen USA. Safely cushioned from the normal judgmental rigours of society, in the teen pageant world blondes are free to flourish and be themselves as long as they’re size six to eight, can answer impromptu questions on stage and have access to a good non-clumping mascara.
THE SWEDISH OLYMPIC TEAM
This is the most difficult blonde activist organisation to join as it requires a lot of training and some degree of Swedish citizenship, but you’ve got four years to give it a crack. This year the Swedes were better at swimming than other sports, which is a shame as the chlorine in the pool can really mess with those golden, spun-sunshine highlights, turning them green.
It’s just another way that nature conspires against the disadvantaged.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely or check out her Bachelor podcast.