James Weir recaps The Bachelorette Australia 2021 finale

In a world-first finale, The Bachelorette’s Brooke has made her decision. James Weir recaps.

The Bachelorette’s Brooke Blurton chooses Darvid Garayeli and dumps Jamie-Lee Dayz in the finale of a series that we can truly declare is the most successful in the franchise’s history because it also resulted in the pairing of this year’s rejected fan-fave Konrad with 2019 runner-up Abbie Chatfield.

And now Holly — who was dumped after making it into the Top Three — has announced she’s now shacked-up with Millie Rubio, another Brooke cast-off from this season.

The Bachelorette is like one of those hippy primary schools where everyone gets a prize for doing the bare minimum. Well, everyone except for Jamie-Lee.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

Before we get to the big final decision, Brooke flies in some backup to help assess the situation. We meet her mate Amy, who’s lovely. And then we audibly gasp when we realise Brooke’s other pal is none other than The Bachelor’s 2019 runner-up Abbie Chatfield, who has returned to offer some star power.

Fun! It’s a surprise and a delight. Now, this was filmed before Abbie started hooking up with Brooke’s ex-contestant Konrad, so we won’t get any awkward moments out of that. Boo. But fingers crossed Abbie gets the chance to pull both Darvid and Jamie-Lee aside to offer some tips and tricks on how to execute an A+ storm-off when one of them is eventually rejected at the final ceremony.

“I’m really bad at reading people,” Abbie informs us. “Like, really bad. I don’t know why she’s asked me to come here.”

Excellent! You’ll fit right in.

Great to have ya back on board, doll xx

We waste no time and promptly get down to the one-on-one interrogations.

“Amy’s like family. She’s mob, a proud Gamilaraay woman,” Brooke says, adding Amy’s the perfect person to ask our finalists the important questions.

Darvid’s first.

“If I said to you, whose land are you on, where you live, can you tell me?” Amy asks.

Darvid waits a beat. “No. No.”

“So it would take dating an Aboriginal woman for you to start to consider that you live on Aboriginal land?” She rolls through more questions and Darvid can’t answer them. “Do you know who Brooke’s mob is? Where are you at with your, like, cultural literacy in general?”

Darvid is not prepared and he knows it.

“I’m willing to learn, and I’m willing to be a part of it all,” he says. “I think that’s important, regardless. I’d actually really step into it. Like, I’d love to learn about it. I do feel pretty naive and ashamed that I haven’t done the research.”

His answer earns a tick of approval from Amy. “I like his intention. He articulated a really strong intention to get across it. I like that. I think that’s a really green flag.”

Then it’s time for Jamie-Lee to meet the gang. At first, we just assume that she’d already know Abbie because they all exist in The Bachelorette universe, like The Simpsons. But apparently they don’t. And then we start to wonder how exactly Abbie even knows Brooke. We’ll let them tell the story.

“I actually asked Abbie on a date,” Brooke reveals. “ … She rejected me twice.”

Abbie has a different version. “She has this narrative of lies that she tells everyone. She’s, like, ‘You kept ignoring me’. No, I didn’t! It was during peak Covid. She was in Perth. I was in Brisbane. I can’t come!”

New rule: All former contestants on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette can only date each other.

After this quaint story, Amy grabs Jamie-Lee for a chat to see if she’s more up to speed than what Darvid was. This is great. Finally, The Bachelorette is doing something more important and meaningful than just wheeling out cranky mums and weird brothers and mumbling dads who can’t remember the pre-written lines that producers have given them.

Amy asks Jamie-Lee how informed she is on Indigenous issues.

“Um, look, not … I am … I understand, and I’m … I’m … I guess I’m as privy to it as I can be. I, um …” Jamie-Lee stutters.

It doesn’t get better.

Amy: “OK. So, you live in the Sydney region. If I said to you, ‘Whose land are you on?’... you’d be able to tell me?”

Jamie-Lee: “ … No.”

Amy: “Do you know who Brooke’s mob is?”

Jamie-Lee: “ … No.”

Yah.

When it comes time for the final dates, it’s just the standard kinda stuff. Jamie-Lee kisses Brooke by a fire and reveals she has fallen in love with her. And Darvid is taught Tantric sex by an older lady named Helena.

Hot.

“I’ll just show you a breath technique that you can use to control the ejaculation,” Helena whispers to Darvid.

Helpful. Practical. Thanks.

Both Darvid and Brooke laugh awkwardly. But Helena’s a pro and makes them feel at ease.

“When I orgasm, I laugh,” she whispers.

Good for you, doll xx

And now, after that invigorating session with Helena, Brooke is in the perfect headspace to make her decision. But we already kinda know who she’s gonna pick.

After the Tantric sesh, Darvid told Brooke he loved her and then Brooke broke down and declared her love for him. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette never drop the L bomb before revealing their big decision at the final commitment ceremony. But Brooke couldn’t wait and she let it slip to us.

“It just hit me in the f**king face like a ton of bricks,” she sobbed. “But I love it. And I love him … And I want to say it again. I just love him. I just do.”

So the decision’s made.

At the final ceremony, when Jamie-Lee’s sponsorship Mitsubishi rolls up and she jumps out to meet Brooke, the mood is sombre. It’s clear what’s about to happen. Brooke doesn’t even bother giving one of those long-winded speeches to throw us all off.

“I really, really loved exploring … the possibility of …. a relationship …. and our beautiful love story. But, unfortunately, it’s not ours. And … my heart is … with someone else,” Brooke says through sobs.

C’mon, pull an Abbie.

Jamie-Lee doesn’t say much. If she even tries, she’ll start sobbing too. “I really am happy for you,” she offers graciously before driving away in the sponsorship Mitsubishi.

The crouch down is always a nice touch after they dump the runner-up.

We’d love to say tonight ends with a double-dumping a la The Honey Badger but it does not.

“I love you so much,” Brooke smiles through tears as Darvid holds her hands.

“And I love you,” he beams.

It’s a beautiful ending. All because of Helena and her laughing orgasms.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir