James Weir recaps Married At First Sight 2020 episode 16

The dirty details of a cheating scandal were spewed out across the table at the latest MAFS drunken dinner party. Here’s James Weir’s recap.

The dirty details of the Married At First Sight cheating scandal are spewed out across the table at Wednesday night’s drunken dinner party before the villainised wife yanks the now infamous toilet toothbrush out of her bra strap and pegs it across the table.

What’s that? You don’t know what the toilet toothbrush is? Well, clearly you haven’t been reading the news. Try and be better informed.

Producers make it seem like this dinner party is just swiftly happening a few days after Tuesday night’s cheating was uncovered … but we all secretly know it was two weeks later because the scandal shut down production and everyone was put on lockdown. (David sensationally went rogue on our Not Here To Make Friends podcast last night and revealed all. Yes, I’m blatantly cross-promoting my own podcast in this recap. Listen to it immediately, I’m living out my dream of being Ricki Lake).

Rumours are spreading around the MAFS apartment tower like sexually transmi- …

… They’re spreading around like things that spread fast.

Mikey and Natasha decide not to go to the dinner party. And good. We’ve got too much to address anyway so if we can cut the fat, that’s excellent. We formally request Steve and Mishel as well as Connie and Jonethen to not attend either.

Tonight’s a lot of he-said, she-said, which is super annoying to detail. Basically Michael denies being party to the cheating scandal in which he’s been implicated.

“I was having a drink with Hayley, basically having a great time. Joking around. If you can imagine a very slippery downhill slope,” he begins. “I was extremely flirtatious. I was extremely juvenile. I’m now faced with all these rumours that I’ve slept with Hayley, that I’ve kissed Hayley. What is the truth and what isn’t the truth?”

“You tell us, idiot,” we sigh.

Meanwhile, David’s dobbed to Stacey who decides to go full-blown Legally Blonde tonight.

“I’m a graduated lawyer. I can’t just believe what people tell me if they weren’t even there. That wouldn’t stand up in court,” she says, before plopping Bruiser in her pink tote and storming into Hayley’s apartment to cross examine.

“Look, I don’t classify it as cheating on my end, to be honest with ya,” Hayley tells us privately.

But this confidence disappears when Stacey asks her point blank: “Did you hook up with my husband.”

Hayley’s startled. She racks her brain for jumbled metaphors and analogies and Insta-quotes but she comes up with zilch. Dr Hayley is thrown.

There is no ‘me’ in ‘cheating’ but there is ‘I’ in ‘dry hump’, yeah?

“Yes, I hooked up with Michael. I kissed him,” she finally confirms “We were having a couple of drinks, one thing led to another. Michael was quite flirtatious and that’s it. We kissed. It’s a pretty terrible thing to happen … to you. We were drunk and it just got out of control and we hooked up. I feel so bad, Stace. He actually said to me at one stage that if David’s not giving me what I need then he can give me what I need.”

Hayley believes she has successfully smoothed things over and probably even scored some sympathy from Stacey. But what does Stacey think?

“She is the last person he would’ve hooked up with. He thinks she’s disgusting,” she sneers.

“She is an absolute scumbag. She doesn’t know what’s coming. I’m about to turn into a f**king steam train on her at this dinner party.”

Choo bloody choo — all aboard! It’s time this train left the station. But before we blast full steam ahead, Hayley has found out some intel of her own. A video has circulated of David scrubbing the toilet with her toothbrush before putting it back on the shelf. She’s disgusted and humiliated. “Let it go,” Dr Hayley would’ve beamed a week ago. But Dr Hayley has left the ward.

‘USED IT FOR FIVE DAYS’: graphic details behind toilet toothbrush payback

She doesn’t let it go. She grabs the toilet toothbrush, wraps it in a ream of paper towels and jams it into her purse. She’s coming to the party armed with evidence.

Is anyone else exhilarated? Jeez, some angry lady is running around Sydney armed with a toilet toothbrush. Try not being exhilarated!

What’s going to happen at the dinner party? Everyone’s curious. Even David’s shirt is asking questions.

Everything here is questionable.

Never shy to volunteer details, Hayley strides into the room and immediately informs everyone about the hook-up. But over the dinner table, Michael reveals a different version of events.

“There’s allegations going around … that I slept with Hayley or I kissed Hayley or that I was in a room lap dancing on Hayley,” he blares. “What happened that night, I did make a foolish mistake in going out after I promised Stacey I wouldn’t. I went into the room of Chris and Vanessa. It was in there that we were drinking, getting carried away, very drunk, I was dancing on Hayley and acting like an immature juvenile, complete asshole. I made a foolish mistake and I regret that.”

But we’re still waiting on a confirmation from him.

Hayley interrupts: “Are you saying that we did kiss, orrrr?”

“I’m apologising for the flirtatious behaviour,” he mumbles. “For dancing on Hayley and for being in that room. But during that night I did not kiss Hayley.”

Ooh, a denial! Look, it must be humiliating to go around saying you made out with someone, only for that person to deny it. Hayley feels like a massive creeper so she pushes harder.

“We did kiss, we did hookup! Did we party pash? F**kin’ oath we did. What have I got to gain by coming out and saying that?” she lunges across the table.

A lot of table lunging happens tonight.

“I can’t remember exactly everything that happened that night,” Michael concludes which … doesn’t sound great?

“You macked on with me, sweetheart!” Hayley yells. “You did it! Man up! You did it!”

Stacey’s fed up. She’s hurt and humiliated. And she scream-cries the most heartbreaking thing ever said on this show.

“I let you use my kitchen to make your banana bread!” she sobs.

I can’t wait to yell this at someone.

The room turns on Hayley like she’s the town witch. She can’t believe it.

“Is this actually happening? Is everyone actually turning against Hales?” she asks us. Oh Hales.

“She’s a full liar!” Michael declares. And it’s this statement that propels Hayley to her feet and she yanks the toilet toothbrush out of her bra strap.

“What about the fact David rubbed my toothbrush in the toilet?” she yells, wielding the toilet toothbrush in the air.

Then, she pegs it at David. It whacks him in the face before ricocheting off into Stacey’s lips.

Jeez, your husband cheats on you and then you cop a toilet toothbrush to the face. It’s really not Stacey’s night.

That’ll blime-fibe ya.

“And you filmed it! Someone at this table has sent it to me! Let me get my phone! You Dog. I’ll show you, watch this,” she declares while rummaging around for her phone.

She rolls the tape. It’s everything we were promised.

We cut to the experts, who immediately wonder if thumbing their noses at the Psychology Board of Australia in favour of appearing on this show was worth it.

Maybe you guys could go work at a Witchery?

“That is disgusting,” Mel Schilling grimaces.

“We know, isn’t it great,” we beam.

“I think it’s barbaric,” Hayley breaks down.

Everyone tries to console her. They say it’s a blessing she found out about the toilet scrubbing before she used her toothbrush. But Hayley crumbles before our eyes.

“(I) F**king did (use it)! You know, I f**king did,” she sobs.

Oh. Well. Um. OK, so what? You put a toilet toothbrush in your mouth. You also kissed David after — so, really, he too has had a toilet toothbrush in his mouth. And you’ve confirmed you also kissed Michael after using it, so he’s also had a toilet toothbrush in his mouth. And he’s also kissed Stacey, so she has too.

Nearly everyone on this show has, in some form, had a toilet toothbrush in their mouth.

And that, my friends, is a silver lining more radiant than Harpic White & Shine.

For more observations on Legally Blonde and hiding things in your bra strap, follow me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram: @hellojamesweir

Watch Not Here To Make Friends

James Weir is live with Steve Price and Marieke Hardy recapping tonight's dinner party pile-on and the biggest news story in Australia right now - the toilet toothbrush.

Posted by news.com.au on Wednesday, 26 February 2020

An appropriate reaction to tasting a toilet toothbrush.