James Weir recaps Seven Year Switch series 2 episode 9

AFTER weeks of playing the shy nice guy, one man has been humiliated in a fiery clash — and his secret has been outed.

AFTER weeks of playing the shy nice guy, one boyfriend has been exposed in a fiery confrontation on Seven Year Switch, with his secret sex wish blurted out for all to hear.

I didn’t think it was possible for Mark’s face to get any redder than it already is in its natural state, but he proved me wrong when he was left humiliated by the claims during Tuesday night’s episode.

It all came out when he came face-to-face with Michael — who’s been paired with Mark’s real life partner Kaitlyn during the experiment.

Along with sex secrets, a G-string starts getting passed around between everyone, with nobody wanting to take ownership of the underwear. But more on that later.

Shocked at the photos he’s seen of Michael in bed with Kaitlyn, Mark stomps into the pub with guns blazing and says he’s going to tell Michael what for. It falls flat.

Instead, his big confrontation amounts to something along the lines of: “Ahem. Ah. I’m disappointed. And. Ah. It was very hurtful. Um. Oh and I feel disrespected.”

Then he suddenly thinks he’s Michael’s dad and calls him irresponsible.

Michael decides to nudge back by sharing some of the other moments that weren’t included in the photos Mark saw. Fun anecdotes like the bedroom massages and the skinny dipping are just some of the tales Michael taunts Mark with.

“She was in the water and she spun her top off (over her head). And I jumped off a cliff naked,” Michael says slowly, looking Mark dead in the eye.

Mark’s head almost literally explodes.

I swear at one point cartoon steam came out of his ears.

Mark decides it’s the perfect time to question Michael’s parenting skills and, needless to say, Michael doesn’t take it well.

“Man I wanted to bitch slap him across the table when he mentioned my kids and told me I wasn’t a good dad,” he spits.

Michael’s had enough and decides to bring up some fun facts he’s learnt about Mark.

“I’ve heard some bad traits of yours,” he says knowingly.

“Something that was brought to my attention ... She’s (Kaitlyn) actually mentioned this quite a few times. There’s that threesome topic. That you’re pushing for one.”

Mark’s humiliated. His face is usually a prominent shade of red in it’s natural state and I didn’t realise it could achieve an even deeper shade of lobster. But apparently it can.

Still, Mark pretends like he doesn’t know what Michael’s talking about.

‘Huh? What? Sex? What?’

Mark firmly denies his desire for a threesome and explains he’s only mentioned it as a joke. Several times.

Both grown men then start fighting over who has a temper problem and who is degrading women.

This is word for word the argument:

Mark: No I’m not.

Michael: Yes you are.

Mark: No I’m not.

Michael: Yes you are.

Mark: No I’m not.

Michael: Yes you are.

Thankfully, we leave them here.

Across town, Stacey Louise and Tracey are coming face-to-face for the first time since swapping husbands with each other.

And Tracey comes bearing gifts. Well, it’s more like a re-gift of a re-gift. It’s the G-string that Stacey Louise bought as a surprise for Sarge in that challenge where each real life partner had to buy a present to show how well they know their lover.

If you recall, Sarge hated it. It wasn’t even his size, for one. So he passed on the G-string to Tracey and told her throw it in Stacey Louise’s face upon meeting her.

Stacey Louise doesn’t take it well. It’s as if someone’s just thrown a G-string in her face.

A tiny piece of fabric has caused a huge amount trouble.

Even though Sarge has gotten rid of the G-string, it still haunts him. And when Tracey returns home after giving it back to its original owner, Sarge still has some thoughts.

Evidently, he’s got his boxers in a bunch which wouldn’t have happened if Stacey Louise had the foresight to buy a G-string in his size.

“She took an opportunity to get a free pair of fricken’ knickers for herself!” he explodes. “She’s a f*cking opportunist. And you know what? A f*cking expensive pair because who buys a $90 G-string? She’s an opportunist and she’s f*cking selfish.”

It doesn’t end there. The curse of this G-string knows no bounds. After Sarge accuses Stacey Louise of being an opportunist with expensive taste in overpriced underwear, he considers ending it all.

“I’m almost about to tell her not to f*cking come home and I’m gonna f*cking put her shit out on the f*cking (lawn). She doesn’t have much.”

It’s a similar situation across town at Felicity and Mark’s, who have both returned from meeting each other’s real life partners. Both are in a foul mood and snap at each other that they should both just end their dead-end relationships. Kaitlyn and Michael do the same, with Michael flying into such a rage he throws Felicity’s engagement ring off a cliff.

And just like that, everyone’s relationship in this series is left battered and abandoned like Stacey Louise’s threadbare G-string none of them want to claim.

For more observations on other people’s parenting abilities and the colour of Mark’s face, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir