James Weir recaps Seven Year Switch series 2 episode 2

IN A TRULY excruciating episode of Seven Year Switch, each partner’s true feelings were revealed - along with a few gratuitous nipples.

Stacey Louise’s secret life as a Nigel No Friends in revealed on Seven Year Switch.

IN AN excruciating episode of Seven Year Switch, one wife flashed her boobs to a man that’s not her husband before tweaking his nipples, while another husband revealed his girlfriend’s secret life as a big Nigel No Friends.

Just two days into the extreme experiment, each new couple is sat down and handed an iPad. And in perhaps one of the most cruel acts of torture, each person has to watch a video of their real-life partner basically revealing the one big thing they hate about their significant other.

Having a boyfriend find out the mean things I say behind his back is perhaps my biggest fear. I’m a total brat and I make a lot of highly unreasonable and petty complaints about the guys I date. If some of the rubbish I say was ever secretly recorded and given to a guy I was dating on an iPad, there would be absolutely no coming back from it and no one would ever date me again. So, I sympathise with these dummies.

There’s several elements that make this activity uncomfortable, but the overarching sense of awkwardness comes from the fact these revelations were made in private individual therapy sessions and no one knew their partner would be seeing the insult in a neatly edited clip on an iPad without context.

Once the videos play and the revelations are dropped like a bomb, the screen cuts to black and each partner just has to sit alone and process the insulting thing their partner just said about them.

A lot of tough things are said. Tracey’s revelation is a heartbreaker.

“ ... I don’t love him,” she says in the video being watched by her husband Johnny. “I do love him, I care for him. But just not in love.”

Felicity says something similar about her husband Michael.

But out of all the revelations, Sarge’s secret about his girlfriend Stacey Louise tops the list because of its pure originality. It comes out of left field and it’s truly quite divine.

In a single 30 second clip, he reveals that out of all the possible issues that plague his two and half year relationship with Stacey Louise, there’s one major problem that’s responsible for hindering their romance. She’s a Nigel No Friends.

“She doesn’t really have any friends,” he admits flatly. “There’s no interaction, like she’ll go shopping by herself. There are a lot of people in her life, but they’re acquaintances, they’re not good true friends ... I feel I’m burdened by the fact I’m the only person she really talks to.”

She gets defensive. She insists she has friends, but shop assistants and the guy who makes your coffee don’t count.

‘Your mum doesn’t count either.’

At a luxury mansion across town, Kaitlyn can’t stop swooning over her new partner Michael so she concludes that stripping off and going for a swim will be an appropriate way to cool her emotions.

She tries really hard not to flirt.

“If my nipples are hanging out can you say ‘pancake’?” she asks Michael. “Because they just pop out a lot. So say ‘pancake’.”

Within five minutes, they’re engaging in a traditional form of foreplay.

Michael and his big banana.

Kaitlyn’s patience is wearing thin. Her nipples have fallen asleep on the job and aren’t popping out with the frequency they once did. So she takes matters into her own hands and pulls her own bikini top down.

“Pancake! Pancake!,” we scream at our TVs.

“PANCAKE!” Michael bellows, almost falling off his inflatable banana.

There are so many pancakes Channel Seven has to sprinkle them with pixels.

A stack.

And then the conversation flips — kind of like a pancake — onto Michael’s pancakes.

“You have really cute nipples. And they’re hard right now,” she points out.

She grabs a fistful of Michael’s pancakes.

“Why are they hard right now?” she persists, not letting the topic — or Michael’s nipples — go.

Honk.

While straddling her inflatable banana, Kaitlyn decides to ask Michael about his wife Felicity.

He gets incredibly personal, revealing the struggles their relationship has faced ever since they fell pregnant only three months after meeting.

Kaitlyn listens intently and takes away a poignant truth from Michael’s revelation.

“He’s totally a DILF,” she confides in us.

D-I-L-F

Afterwards, things move to the bedroom, where Kaitlyn lies about being a trained masseuse in a shameless ruse to touch Michael.

“I know something that’s very natural and it will help you sleep ... do you know the benefits of massage?” she says with absolutely no subtlety. “Like, if I give you a really good massage you’ll feel really relaxed and probably be able to sleep.”

I should point out here that Michael has not once expressed that he has any difficulty getting to sleep.

When asked point blank if she’s a trained masseuse, Kaitlyn stares wide-eyed and vaguely replies “yeeesssss?”

The close-ups that follow are confronting.

Oh.

My.

God.

The following morning, we find out Kaitlyn’s little trick to get Michael to sleep didn’t work. In fact, it did the opposite. He tells her he didn’t sleep a wink.

Thankfully, Kaitlyn has come prepared for this situation. She has another trick waiting for Michael later that night.

For more observations on pancakes and saying mean things behind your boyfriend’s back, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir

Sleep well, Michael.