Game of Thrones recap: Season six, episode five

SPOILER ALERT. Game of Thrones fans were a little too happy after last week’s episode. So this week, their spirits were promptly crushed again.

“I have to say, this was my favourite episode since Hardhome.”

SPOILER ALERT. This recap will recap the events of episode five, as recaps tend to do. There’s plenty to cover.

If you haven’t watched the episode yet, flee now. We’ll hold the door for you on your way out.

Last week’s recap: Book of the Stranger

NORTH OF THE WALL

The White Walkers were created by a pack of sentient cabbages.

I don’t think that’s what they’re officially called. George R.R. Martin refers to them as “children of the forest”. But their heads look like rotten cabbages, dammit, so I’m sticking with it.

In his first deeply disturbing vision of the episode, Bran watches Leaf — yes that’s her name, and yes cabbages have leaves, so it fits perfectly — plunge some obsidian into the chest of some random human prisoner. He screams in agony, and then his eyes turn that familiar icy blue. Meet the first White Walker.

“This might sting a little.”

As you may recall, the very same cabbage lady has been helping Bran and co survive while he trains with Bloodraven. When Bran wakes up, he has just one question for her: “WTF?”

“We were at war. We were being slaughtered. Our sacred trees cut down. We needed to defend ourselves,” Leaf fires back.

She has a point. Thousands of years ago, when Leaf conducted her weird Frankenstein experiment, men had driven the cabbage people to the brink of extinction. They had to act. On the other hand, creating a race of near-immortal ice zombies with the power to command murderous undead armies was probably shortsighted.

“Well, I’m utterly rooted now.”

Moving on ... what does Bran have in common with Tiger Woods? He’s addicted to roots. And what does he have in common with teenage boys? He can’t resist that urge to grab the wood when no one’s looking.

This all explains Bran’s foolish decision to touch one of Bloodraven’s magical tree roots without permission, throwing himself into a vision alongside the Night’s King. Unlike everyone else Bran spies on, the White Walkers’ leader can see him, and brands him with some sort of mark which means everyone is now in mortal danger. Nice going there.

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It gets worse. A short while later, Meera says something optimistic: “We can go home now, Hodor.” Uh oh.

This is the Game of Thrones equivalent of a phenomenon sports broadcasters call “the commentator’s curse”. If a commentator says one team is certain to win, it is guaranteed to lose. And if a Game of Thrones character is happy, something awful is definitely about to happen.

So naturally, the White Walkers show up while Bran and Bloodraven are still sharing one last vision together, leaving Meera to organise a desperate evacuation.

“Gee, I wonder what’s happening in the real world right now. Probs nothing.”

Bloodraven dies. So do the cabbage people. Bran’s direwolf, Summer, meets a heroic end. And that’s all very tragic, but it’s nothing compared to what happens to Hodor. I’m in no emotional condition to form coherent paragraphs right now so let’s resort to bullet points:

1. Meera needs Hodor’s help, but he’s freaking out. She begs Bran to help;

2. Bran wargs into Hodor from his vision, where he’s standing near young Hodor, aka Wyllis;

3. Meera tells Hodor to hold the passage door shut so she and Bran can escape from the wights chasing them;

4. Wyllis falls to the ground in Bran’s vision and starts repeating Meera’s words. “Hold the door. Hold the door. Hold door. Hold door. Hodor.” Everyone in Winterfell is like: “Whatchoo talkin’ bout, Wyllis?”

5. The wights tear present day Hodor to shreds, permanently traumatising Wyllis.

Bran is crushed, as he should be. If he hadn’t touched that damn root without permission, he wouldn’t have messed up Hodor’s entire life. The kid doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

“YOU. DID. THIS. TO. ME.”

BRAAVOS

No one is tasked with killing one of the actresses in a play about Robert Baratheon’s death and Ned Stark’s execution. But when no one sees how the play portrays Ned — as a complete doofus, and a nefarious one at that — no one appears to remember that no one’s name is actually Arya Stark.

She is having doubts about the assassination mission. But Ja’qen, who you must remember is a serial killer who keeps the faces of his many victims in his basement, slaps her down.

“A servant does not ask questions,” Ja’qen says. To be fair, that is usually the homicide detective’s job.

Also, the actor portraying Joffrey in the play has “two f***ing warts” on his cock, which is probably a distinct improvement on whatever the real Joffrey had in his pants. Just thought you’d like to know that.

“Only two?”

CASTLE BLACK

Littlefinger has actively deceived most of the powerful people in Westeros. He stared down Ned Stark and Tywin Lannister. He assassinated a king without breaking a sweat. But confronted by the new, arse-kicking Sansa in Molestown, I’m fairly sure he wets his pants.

“Did you know about Ramsay? If you didn’t know you’re an idiot, and if you did know you’re my enemy,” she says, before casually threatening to kill him. “I don’t believe you anymore. I don’t need you anymore.”

She’s clearly not wrapped around his, ahem, little finger anymore. And yet he still manages to influence her with a morsel of information: her relative Blackfish Tully, a potential ally, has retaken Riverrun. Brienne is dispatched to win the Tullys’ support.

“S***, guess I’m stuck with Robin.”

Back at the Wall, “that wildling fellow with the beard” is continuing his courtship of Brienne. He’s added a playfully cocked eyebrow to his repertoire of romantic weapons, which already included long periods of staring and suggestive food sucking. Beat that, dead Renly.

The grown-ups have been doing some maths inside, and have decided they’ll need the support of every minor house in the north to stand a chance against the Boltons. They might fail miserably, but thanks to Sansa’s knitting, at least they’ll look dope doing it.

Romeo and Juliget me the hell out of here.

THE IRON ISLANDS

Theon rediscovers his voice with an uplifting speech in support of his sister at the kingsmoot, but he is utterly powerless in the face of uncle Euron’s relentless dick jokes.

Euron openly admits to murdering the former king, Balon, and reveals his outlandish plan to marry Daenerys Targaryen and conquer the world. Most people would say that someone of such questionable character, with such idiotic ideas, should be kept as far away from power as possible. But much like Republican primary voters, the Ironborn appear to like a dash of bats*** crazy in their leaders.

While the new king is drowned by an old man for some reason, Theon and Yara escape with half his fleet.

“Make The Iron Islands Great For Once.”

VAES DOTHRAK

Daenerys now knows about Jorah’s greyscale, and she seems genuinely upset. Perhaps the pervy uncle figure schtick has finally paid off for him. Or maybe she’s just worried about greyscale being contagious.

Either way, she tells Jorah to ride off and find a cure. Which feels a bit like asking someone in the Middle Ages to cure cancer.

“Do my teeth look white enough to you? I’ve been flossing and everything.”

MEEREEN

By decree of Tyrion, Daenerys shall henceforth be referred to simply as “the Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains and all that”. It’s much easier to remember.

The queen has a new supporter in the form of Kinvara, another red priestess. We know far too little about her, and she knows far too much about Varys’s long lost testes.

“Your testes spoke to me from the fire.”

Comment below with your tributes to Hodor, and perhaps a few thoughts on the episode. We’ll be back with another recap next week.