Game of Thrones recap: Season six, episode four

SPOILER ALERT. Game of Thrones really turned up the heat this week, as the dragon queen made a big power play.

RIP Khal Moro. Remember him for his delightful jokes, not his horse rape threats.

SPOILER ALERT. This recap will, you guessed it, recap the events of episode four.

I’m about to spill more secrets than Tommen does every time he so much as looks at his mother, so if you haven’t seen the episode yet, I’m afraid I must ask you to leave. Please. When you’re ready. If you don’t mind. Sorry.

Or as Joffrey would have said, GTFO.

Last week’s recap: Oathbreaker

VAES DOTHRAK

Daario is that guy who dated your crush at school and kept rubbing it in your face. Except this time, instead of pashing her during recess, he’s bragging about “riding the dragon”. You know what that means, Game of Thrones conspiracy theorists — Daario is the third dragon rider. We can finally stop speculating.

It also means sexy time has occurred.

Amid the crudeness, Daario does make a good point: Jorah is way too old to be anything other than a weird uncle-like figure for Daenerys. Jorah responds with a stony expression, which is appropriate, because his transformation into a Stone Man is coming along nicely.

“Bestiality is a crime, punk.”

Still, what Jorah lacks in looks, he clearly makes up for in brains. He hatches an ingenious plan to break Daenerys out of Vaes Dothrak: walk in unarmed and see what happens. Surprisingly, it almost goes wrong. And when the duo finally stumbles across Daenerys, she doesn’t even want to be rescued, because she has a hot date lined up with all the Dothraki frat boys. A really hot date.

LISTEN TO THE GAME OF THRONES PODCAST

Inside the temple, we learn that Khal Moro has ditched the comedy act we saw a few weeks ago for some edgier material. “Your baby is dead because of you,” for instance. Daenerys isn’t impressed.

“You are small men. None of you are fit to lead the Dothraki. But I am. So I will,” she says. Moro has a counter-offer: gang-rape, followed by more gang-rape, followed by horse gang-rape. Apparently he isn’t too keen to serve in her army.

“I’m the real dragon rider, idiots.”

“You’re not going to serve,” she says. “You’re going to die.”

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuurn. Literally! She sets the temple on fire, burning the khals alive, all the while sporting the smug grin of someone who knows she just absolutely nailed a comeback.

It’s also the kind of look the Mad King had on his face when he set people on fire, but we’ll put that disturbing thought aside for now.

The rest of this scene feels very familiar, because we’ve watched it before. Big fire? Check. Horde of kneeling people? Check. Nude dragon queen? Check. Jorah staring at said nude dragon queen a little longer than is strictly necessary for someone five times her age? Check.

So, Daenerys now has thousands more heavily armed men in her thrall. Boobs will do that to people. Hopefully one of them can find her some clothes.

“Devoted servants as far as the eye can see, and not one of them thinks to bring me a loincloth.”

MEEREEN

Meanwhile, Tyrion has figured out how to win Daenerys’s war with the slavemasters: good old fashioned appeasement. He tells the queen’s sworn enemies they can have slavery back for a few years, after which everyone will agree to get rid of it and there shall be rainbows and butterflies for all. Grey Worm and Missandei are delighted.

Granted, Daenerys will be in Westeros by then — if she gets a move on — and that means she’ll have no power to enforce the agreement. But these guys seem pretty nice, so I’m sure they can be trusted.

Then again, when Daenerys returns to Slaver’s Bay with a Dothraki army in tow, she might not be quite so diplomatic.

Missandei’s abs are tougher than Tyrion’s negotiating style.

PYKE

Theon’s back home, and his sister wants to know why.

She’s right to be suspicious. I mean, Pyke is miserable. On the Westeros livability index, it’s definitely no higher than those dog kennels Theon came from, even if the landlord of Winterfell is a psycho.

To ease Yara’s fears about his intentions, Theon pledges to help her become the first female ruler of the Iron Islands. He’ll need to run a ballsy election campaign.

“Sorry bro, we threw your dick in the bin.”

KING’S LANDING

It turns out the High Sparrow was permanently traumatised by his previous job, in which he made shoes. The shoes were too nice. They earned him too much money, which he used to purchase too much sexy time. The power of the shoes drove him mad, so he walked away, renouncing all footwear until the end of time.

Since then, he has devoted himself to hunting down the shoe enthusiasts of the world, so that their souls — and soles — may be laid bare. It’s a bit of a niche cause, really.

Margaery doesn’t seem to grasp the importance of the shoes yet, but she will. She will.

“I used to be quite the p***y hound, you know.”

Thanks to Tommen, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, total mummy’s boy and hopeless blabbermouth, we learn Margaery is scheduled to perform her walk of atonement in a few days.

This leads to the unlikeliest of alliances between Cersei Lannister and Olenna Tyrell. They concoct a plan to swoop in with the Tyrell army at the last minute and save Margaery, slaughtering any Sparrows who get in their way. It sounds suitably dramatic.

“It’ll be OK, Jaime’s here to give us a hand. Just the one, mind you.”

WINTERFELL

It’s nice to see Ramsay eating fruit for once, but he really should wash his hands after stabbing someone in the neck. It’s unhygienic.

Anyway, we’ll miss you Nymphadora Tonks.

“I’ve decided to cut down on carbs.”

CASTLE BLACK

Sansa arrives at Castle Black, and finally, two of the Stark kids are reunited. They hug. They cry a bit. It’s sweet. I’m genuinely struggling to come up with anything snarky to say.

Sansa wants Jon to help her reclaim Winterfell from Ramsay. He just wants to live out the rest of his days as an emo pacifist.

“Jon, Theon has bigger balls than you right now, and he DOESN’T HAVE ANY BALLS.”

Everything changes at dinner, which starts with Tormund trying to seduce Brienne very, very subtly. Hey, sucking on a chicken leg and staring like a madman has always worked for me in the past.

Before he progresses to the next step of wildling courting, which I presume involves some kind of suggestive pelvic thrusting, a letter arrives. It’s from Ramsay, and by his standards, it’s probably quite polite.

Even so, after reading the list of increasingly sickening threats, Jon is suddenly on board with Sansa’s quest to retake the north. Nice going there, Ramsay.

#bedroomeyes

Comment below with your thoughts on the episode. We’ll be back with another recap next week.