Game of Thrones recap: Season six, episode three

SPOILER ALERT. One of our favourite Game of Thrones characters just made a decision with massive consequences.

SPOILER ALERT. This recap will recap the events of episode three, as recaps tend to do.

If you haven’t caught up yet, you should probably consider this really terrific quote from Bloodraven: “Time to go.”

There is such wisdom in that man. Tree. Ent. Whatever. Let’s get on with it.

Last week’s recap: Home

CASTLE BLACK

Zombie Jon is much like the old Jon, insofar as he knows nothing. Having woken to find Ser Davos staring at his ripped bod like a slack-jawed Kit Harington fangirl, he gradually figures out what’s going on.

“Where’s Olly?” Zombie Jon growls. “I’m going to eat that little bastard’s brains.”

I’m paraphrasing a little.

“It’s hypnotic.”

To be perfectly honest, Jon seems a little less vengeful and a lot more hung up on the whole death thing than I’d hoped.

“I shouldn’t be here,” he croaks at Davos and Melisandre. “I did what I thought was right and I got murdered for it. Now I’m back. Why?”

Gee, not even a thank you.

“Don’t mean to alarm you, but my balls have frostbite.”

If anything, Melisandre has resurrected him too well. While bringing back Lord Commander Jon Snow, whom we all loved and admired, she’s also accidentally revived a previous incarnation of the character: Mopey Jon.

Many fans didn’t realise this at the time, but Mopey Jon died a few seasons ago, shortly after losing his virginity. He was replaced by a charming guy with dimples and good oral skills, and was never missed.

“WHAT HAVE I DONE?”

Out in the courtyard, Tormund makes it clear that Davos isn’t the only person who’s seen Jon’s frostbitten privates. It turns out those aforementioned oral skills were desperately needed.

“I know (you’re not a god). I saw your pecker. What kind of god would have a pecker that small?” Tormund asks.

I get the sense Melisandre’s angry fire god is compensating for something. And what kind of fearsome wildling calls it a “pecker”? Tormund spends three days south of the wall and suddenly he’s all gentrified.

Jon’s real compensation for his small pecker is his impressively long sword, which he immediately has to make use of again. Four traitors — Alliser, Olly, whatshisface and that other guy — need to be executed.

“Don’t worry bro, size totally doesn’t matter.”

Always the honourable one, Jon gives each condemned man a chance to say some final words. Whatshisface says Jon should still be dead, which is fair enough. That other guy wants Jon to write his family a letter. Alliser’s words amount to a big fat up yours. And Olly just gives Jon the evil eye. So, when the noose tightens around Olly’s neck and he starts to flap helplessly in the breeze, I suspect most viewers are cheering. Capital punishment for kids, yay!

Jon has had enough of this crap. His final duty as Lord Commander done, he gives his massive black cloak to Edd — talk about taking a weight off your shoulders — and stalks off. “My watch is ended,” he says.

So, Jon is finally free of his Night’s Watch vows, and more importantly, he’s free to add a little more colour to his wardrobe. This is obviously a big freaking deal. Arise, Jon Stargaryen.

“I should be tried as a minor you numbskull.”

THE TOWER OF JOY

Bran’s expository flashback of the week is certainly action-packed. He and the tree-man watch as a young Ned Stark, fresh from overthrowing the Targaryen dynasty, confronts Ser Arthur Dayne, the greatest warrior in Westeros. Ned is looking for his sister, Lyanna.

We know all of these details because the dialogue spells them out for us very, very, very clearly. Reckon this scene might be important?

“Tower of Joy? As if. This is a dump.”

Ned’s posse starts a fight, which turns out to be an awful idea, because this Arthur Dayne guy is to sword fighting what Podrick Payne is to sex. He’s about to butcher Ned when Howland Reed — hi, Meera’s dad! — stabs him in the back.

Bran seems a little shaken by the revelation that his famously honourable dad didn’t always win honourably, but that’s nothing compared to the secrets hiding in the tower. As Ned hears a woman’s screams and races off to investigate, Bran tries to follow. Treebeard stops him.

“The writers want to stretch this flashback out over several weeks, Brandon,” he says. “Our viewers can’t learn everything at once. You have to make the suckers earn it.”

When we do finally get to the point of this flashback, brace yourself for some news about Jon Snow’s real parents.

“Braaaaaaaiins.”

ON A SHIP SOMEWHERE

Of course Sam is seasick. He’s barfing all over the place. But the bad taste in his mouth has more to do with Gilly and her baby, whom he’s sending to live with his family. Even though we already know Sam’s dad is a colossal dick.

“If you think it’s for the best, we trust you,” Gilly says. Uh oh.

Head between your knees, Tarly.

MEEREEN

Varys’s spies have hunted down that duplicitous prostitute, who’s been helping the Sons of the Harpy murder people. He really turns the screws, promising her a new life with a big, ahem, “sack” of money in exchange for some information. This guy is a ballsy negotiator.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is trying to have fun with Grey Worm and Missandei, both of whom are completely sober. One thing is clear: their date nights must be a real hoot.

“You’re offering me your sack?”

Eventually, Varys shows up and breaks the ice with the news that Daenerys’s current enemies in Meereen are being bankrolled by her former enemies in Astapor and Yunkai.

She conquered those cities in previous seasons and freed their slaves, then moved on without leaving behind any real garrison or political infrastructure. In hindsight, this was not the cleverest strategy.

Tyrion Lannister: The reigning drinking game champion in all seven kingdoms.

VAES DOTHRAK

Daenerys doesn’t have time for this.

“Drogon, come save me right now or you are SO grounded.”

KING’S LANDING

Qyburn manages to spend two minutes in a room with a bunch of helpless victi ... children, I mean, without chopping them up or turning them into little Frankenstein monsters. I’m going to call that a victory for the good guys.

In other news, he, Cersei and Jaime are now openly referring to that big Frankenstein monster as “Ser Gregor”, so it clearly is the reanimated corpse of Gregor Clegane. Cersei is planning to use him in a trial by combat. And you know what that means? My favourite Game of Thrones theory, Cleganebowl, is still alive.

Cersei can’t contain her excitement.

Across town Tommen, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, has decided it’s time for his balls to drop, so he strides into a heated confrontation with the High Sparrow.

If Joffrey were still king, this meeting would last just long enough for him to screech, “Bring me his head!”. Instead, Tommen allows himself to be thoroughly manipulated — again. And so, before our very eyes, the royal testes retract to their previous state.

King Tommen, where he belongs — slightly out of focus.

BRAAVOS

Arya is officially no one now. Hooray?

A girl must get the hell out of this boring storyline right now.

WINTERFELL

Another northern house has fallen in line under the benevolent rule of Ramsay Bolton. This time it’s House Umber, led by a guy who really f***ing likes the f***ing f-word.

As you may recall, Rickon (the last remaining Stark boy who isn’t consorting with a tree) was sent off to hide with the Umbers about 13 seasons ago. Now, as a sign of good f***ing faith, and to secure help fighting the f***ing wildlings, they’re handing him over to f***ing Ramsay.

Allow me to sum up Rickon’s thoughts right now: “Oh, f***.”

This isn’t Rickon, apparently. What a growth spurt.

Which body part will Rickon lose first? Which denizen of King’s Landing will bully his fearsome ruler into submission next? We’ll be back with another recap and more answers next week.