Is sex addiction really an excuse to cheat?

OPINION: When Tiger Woods was caught cheating, again, his indiscretions were blamed on sex addiction. But is it even a real thing? And is it ever an excuse?

Actor David Duchovny as Hank Moody in promotional scene from season 3 of TV program ''Californication''.

OPINION

A COUPLE of weeks ago the news came out that Tiger Woods and his girlfriend Lindsey Vonn had split because, according to a close friend, Tiger had cheated … again.

This time the story went cold pretty quick, I assume because after the tsunami of indiscretions last time, an article about Tiger Woods cheating is about as shocking as one entitled ‘Gravity: Makes Stuff Fall Down.’

However it did reopen the can of erect worms that is the sex addiction debate. In an attempt to explain the situation, a friend of Tiger’s said, “He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a highball or two after a bad day.”

Last time I checked, going for a run was a stress reliever or putting your jammies on and sitting down to a nice glass of Shiraz. But cheating on your partner of three years with an unnamed woman? Isn’t that just being a douchebag?

Tiger Woods with the ex-girlfriend he cheated on, Lindsey Vonn. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

It seems wherever you look these days, people are racing to explain away bad behaviour with a syndrome and sex addiction feels like the perfect excuse to justify someone’s refusal to keep hold of their moral compass.

Anyone who’s been cheated on knows it’s one of the most devastating things a person can do to someone they love. It’s especially painful when someone suggests they couldn’t help it. Of course they could. Not sleeping with another person when you’re in a relationship is the easiest thing in the world to do if you’re a decent person. Even when you’re 35 sheets to the wind it’s doable and anyone who says otherwise doesn’t lack willpower, they lack a conscience.

But with ‘sex addiction’ finding its way into common parlance I’m starting to fear the worst.

If you’ve been cheated on, sometimes the only thing that comes close to providing solace is the knowledge that the person who made the mistake feels terrible about it. It would be horrible if cheaters started labelling themselves as ‘addicts’ just so they could dish out a mea culpa like “I know your heart is ripped out but you can’t really be upset because it’s a disease.”

Other “self-confessed” celebrity sex addicts have included: Russell Brand, David Duchovny, Charlie Sheen, Nicole Narain, Amber Smith, Kanye West.

Dr Gomathi Sitharthan, senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Sydney says the jury is still out on whether sex addiction is real. “Simply substituting certain behaviours that are commonly observed among substance users and applying them to excessive sexual behaviours cannot justify it as a syndrome.”

When does cheating on your partner become a ‘syndrome’?

However Affirmotive Australia sexologist, Heide McConkey says she works with sex addicts every day and it’s not sex that sufferers are addicted to, so much as the effect endorphins have on their stress levels. “It’s a survival mechanism,” says Heide. “If they don’t release the stress it can result in heart attack or stroke. Sex addicts need to be rehabilitated so they understand where their stress levels come from and how to manage them.”

Heide says that despite this, sex addiction should never be used as an excuse and addicts need to recognise the impact their behaviour has on their partner.

“Partners of sex addicts often present with post traumatic stress and there is such as thing as sex addiction induced trauma. It would add insult to injury to suggest they then had to accept the behaviour wasn’t their partner’s fault.”

While approximately 70 per cent of couples attend therapy for sex addiction together, not all of those relationships last. This can be the result of unspoken issues being brought to the surface as a result of the cheating but mostly it’s because couples have difficulty rebuilding trust.

“Female partners can reconcile with the sexual behaviour but they can’t reconcile with lying,” says Heide.

If Tiger Woods truly is a sex addict, crippled by his inability to keep it in his pants, surely he should think about doing the female population a favour and staying single until he’s sorted himself out? But whatever his issue, one thing is very clear — he needs to focus more of his attention on birdies and less on birds.

Stay focused on the birdies Tiger.

Follow Rachel Corbett on Twitter @rachelcorbett