James Weir recaps Harry and Meghan’s royal wedding

THEIR wedding was never going to be perfect. And on Harry and Meghan’s big day, a series of cringe-worthy events unfolded.

THE wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was never going to be perfect — and as their romance reached a crescendo on Saturday, the momentous occasion was derailed by an unlikely guest and marred by mention of their sex life.

Blue skies reached across Windsor and the sun beamed down on picturesque St George’s chapel where the wedding of the century was set to unfold. Mayhem buzzed in the streets as 100,000 people gathered to catch just a glimpse of the love story that has captivated the globe.

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Even the most famous guests couldn’t hide their excitement as they smiled and gushed on the walk into the church. But not everyone was thrilled to be giving up their Saturday morning. Victoria Beckham was perturbed.

Me walking into work every day.

Saturday morning weddings are the worst. You don’t get to sleep in. There’s no time to get to a pilates class and you ate pizza the night before so now you feel even more guilty about it. You’ve also had to cancel your weekly brunch with the girls. You live for those weekly brunches.

“Maybe they won’t notice if I just don’t go?” you think to yourself as you lay in bed, 30 minutes before you’re meant to be at the church. “Do I even care if they cut me out of their life for not attending?”

Victoria Beckham gets it. She’s a busy lady and her Saturday mornings are valuable. And she really did not want to be there. She’d rather agree to a Spice Girls reunion with those four losers she used to know than be at some church on a Saturday morning.

I just want to go to brunch.

After putting out a million fires this week that were all lit by the rag tag team of nutbags that make up her family, Meghan was calm and graceful as she made her way to the chapel. Through the windows of the tiny vintage black car, she was seen laughing with her mum Doria as they chatted with the driver. What they were giggling at is unclear. Perhaps, in a jab at Meghan’s troublesome dad Thomas Markle Sr, Doria told the driver to swing by the Maccas drive-through and they all laughed hysterically.

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Moments later, Meghan delivered the moment we were all waiting for when she popped out of the little automobile to reveal her dress. Yes, the simple dress was very lovely but I’m not entirely sure how it was worth $180,000. And that’s coming from someone in unwashed gym shorts and a jean jacket with a chocolate stain on it.

Yes, yes she looks fine, don’t @ me.

As she made her way up the stone steps and waited at the chapel doors, we all looked on with the same facial expression as this totally jazzed and slightly threatening kid.

All of us.

But then that kid’s facial expression was overtaken by the face Harry made when he laid eyes on Meghan and I honestly just wish I could find a boy or even a Woolworths checkout attendant to look at me the same way.

I’d never use the self-serve line again.

As Harry and Meghan stood in front of their family and the world watched on, the priest decided it was an appropriate time to talk about their sex life.

“The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union and joyful commitment to the end of their lives,” the Dean of Windsor told the congregation.

Meghan and Harry slowly died as they realised everyone, including the Queen, was now inevitably thinking about them having sex.

Suddenly, a cold silence fell when the priest asked a question filled with potential danger. Object now or forever hold your peace, he told the crowd. Cameras panned around the room. A considerable pause was given to allow Harry’s ex-girlfriends Chelsy Davy and Cressida Bonas, who were both in attendance, to pipe up with any thoughts.

This would’ve been a terrific opportunity for Meghan’s dad Thomas to defy tabloid reports and make a spectacular entrance.

“Yeah, I’ve got something to say,” he would’ve slurred as he lurched through the chapel doors and lumbered down the aisle. Meghan’s estranged stepsister Samantha behind him in the shadows, glaring at the bride for not inviting her.

“Hold my Happy Meal,” Thomas would’ve said, hurling the small cardboard box at Fergie as he meandered through a list of gripes vaguely associated with the wedding.

But the queen went to great lengths to guarantee this day went off without a hitch. She ensured the castle’s moat was used to keep the Markles out. She stole James Corden’s car keys so he couldn’t bully Meghan into doing an impromptu Carpool Karaoke to British hits. After Camilla’s outrageous behaviour at the Commonwealth Games, the queen even banned her daughter-in-law from bringing reading material into the chapel.

But no one anticipated it would be a Reverend Bishop who would single-handedly derail the wedding completely.

Bishop Michael Curry is a Chicago-based Reverend who has a passion for spreading the word of the Lord and dreams of showbiz. And his 15-minute sermon left the crowd wide-eyed.

The preacher certainly would’ve agreed to some strict criteria and stipulations when he signed on for this gig. He probably even sent in a draft script to be signed off.

But he knew this was his moment. The world was watching. He had to seize the opportunity. Screw Meghan. This was his time to shine.

Dressed in his robes, he perched himself behind the lectern and looked out over the congregation. He then went rogue.

In a monologue that veered from slam poetry and medieval proverbs to Martin Luther King quotes and an animated retelling of the industrial revolution, the Bishop left no stone unturned as he delivered his message with vigorous pace and volume.

You’ve got to grab your moments where you can.

It was electrifying. His passion ignited the room. Suddenly the heavy, carved doors of the chapel swung open and a bright light reflected down from the intricately plastered ceiling.

The guests sprung to their feet in unison, compelled by the spirit that had been summoned.

“Amen!” James Blunt squealed. Oprah began convulsing down the aisle. Victoria Beckham stared up and raised her hands to the skies. In some kind of miracle, the corners of her mouth began to turn upward. Her lips parted and her scowl broke. After being cursed by four decades of gloom, the spell had been lifted. Victoria was smiling. Tears streamed down her face as she beamed. Her teeth and gums were on display and she didn’t care. The relief she was experiencing from being able to stretch her cheek bones was sensational.

Spurred on by the reaction, the Bishop kicked it up a notch and launched into the oral history of fire. The anecdote stretched all the way back to the dawn of time, segued into the industrial revolution and ended in the iPhone era.

It’s at this point the Queen leapt out of her pew and began chanting.

Okay, so that’s the reaction the Bishop wanted. In reality, he just got a bunch of famous people giving him confused looks.

From her perch as she watched over the proceedings, the Queen was not happy. And when the Bishop said, “We gotta get y'all married!” she almost choked on a butterscotch.

Glaring down at the preacher, the Queen desperately tried to bury her desire to loudly banish him from her lands. In the pew in front of her, Prince William giggled and Prince Philip looked half dead but that’s probably just because he is.

Her mood wasn’t as fun as her outfit.

Even Elton John thought the moment was a little OTT and that’s saying something.

When a sermon is more outrageous than your eyewear.

At the tail end of his sermon, the Bishop looked out into the crowd. “Anybody get here in a car today?” he asked. Immediately, everyone looked down into their programs, terrified there was about to be an audience participation element to this ceremony where they’d be quizzed about how fire was invented.

It’s at this point we all remembered there was a little wedding that needed to be finished so the Bishop mentioned the URL to his YouTube channel and handed the reins over.

Finally, it was time to make this thing official. Harry and Meghan said their vows. They kissed. And like everyone who has ever been married before them, they too were embarrassed about having to pash in front of their family.

We wish them nothing but the best in the delight and tenderness of their sexual union.

For more observations on the industrial revolution and sexual unions, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir

Ew nan’s watching.