The 25 tips every tourist needs to know before visiting Melbourne

THE real reason umbrellas are so handy. Never drive past an open tram or an open Dan Murphy’s. Here are 25 tips that every tourist should read before visiting Melbourne.

What tourists really need to know about visiting Melbourne.

FOOTBALL finals and the Spring Racing Carnival are about to draw thousands of interstate and overseas visitors to the city formally known as the most liveable in the world.

Victoria needs to be on its best behaviour, but even then, our eccentric customs and habits will seem alien to an outsider.

Here are 25 tips that every tourist should read before visiting Melbourne.

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1. Australia’s Prime Minister changes regularly.

The last PM from Victoria was four changes of leadership ago but our turn is next.

2. It’s wise to always carry an umbrella wherever you go in Melbourne. An umbrella is a great weapon to fend off criminals and it’s more discreet than carrying a baseball bat.

3. Traffic in Melbourne is very dense and it is best to park well away from the city and catch public transport. Please note the car park labelled ‘M1’ is not, in fact, a car park.

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Not an actual car park. Picture: Nicole Garmston

4. There is no train to the airport in Melbourne. But be assured this changes absolutely nothing; any train to the airport would be cancelled and you’d have to catch a taxi anyway.

5. Petrol in Melbourne is very expensive. Steepest prices are often avoided by filling up on a Tuesday and departing the petrol station before being asked to pay.

6. Australian Rules Football is the dominant code in Melbourne, followed by Anglicanism and Catholicism.

7. Victoria’s numberplates carry the slogan ‘The Education State’. It is yet unclear which state this refers to.

8. In Victoria, anybody deemed to be spreading hate speech will be given a fine. Anybody committing more serious crimes will be given bail.

9. If you are displeased with the weather in Melbourne, just wait five minutes. By that time the cost of electricity will have increased and you’ll have something more serious to worry about.

10. The East West Link is the name of a road Melburnians often wish had been built.

Punt Rd is the name of a road Melburnians often wish had never been built.

11. It is frowned upon to keep driving past a tram when it is open. It is equally frowned upon to keep driving past a Dan Murphy’s when it is open.

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If it’s open, do not drive past.

12. In Melbourne, ugly things that have been around for a long time, such as Federation Square, the Nylex clock and John Elliott, are eventually considered institutional.

13. It is widely accepted that crime in Melbourne was a lot easier to take when criminals only harmed each other and were later dramatised on television.

A lot more entertaining when it’s just something on the telly.

14. It is encouraged, but not compulsory, to wear black in Melbourne. Rumours this custom started as a sign of mourning when Buddy Franklin moved interstate are false.

15. Melbourne CBD’s many small alleyways are home to world-class bars, which are open as a reward to anyone who can get past the violent crime often committed in the immediate area.

16. Federal Parliament used to be located on Melbourne’s Spring St. It has now been moved to a safe distance 500km away.

17. Each train station in Melbourne is regularly visited by two PSOs and several dozen criminals.

18. Art on the walls of Hosier Lane can be painted over by anybody. Please note this rule does not apply for art on the walls on the National Gallery of Victoria.

Don’t try street art here.

19. Victorians like to joke that Tasmanians have two heads. The sad fact is that Port Phillip Bay has two heads.

20. It is known to get so hot in Melbourne’s summer that it is impossible for the trains to run, and so cold in Melbourne’s winter that it is impossible to run for the train.

21. Melbourne Bitter is a popular beer in Melbourne. It is untrue that it was named by Sydneysiders after Melburnians’ attitude to the inter-city feud.

22. Melbourne Zoo is known for its magnificent elephant enclosure. Regional Victoria is also home to several white elephants including the Wonthaggi desalination plant.

We have all kinds of elephants.

23. There is debate in Melbourne about whether the AFL Grand Final is deserving of a public holiday. There is no such debate about whether it’s worth showing up to work on Cup Monday.

24. The Melbourne cafe industry is an economic oddity that relies on having as many customers as possible in shopfronts that can never be found.

25. The Melbourne CBD street grid was designed so everybody knew what they were looking for. Melburnians have been proving that theory wrong ever since.

@MitchellToy