How Melbourne will look when suburban rail link is complete in 2050

THE suburban rail link will whisk you to the airport in record time. The only problem is it won’t happen until 2050 when you’ll likely be dead. Here are 40 things we predict will coincide with the proposed subway project when it’s unveiled in three decades.

A CHILD born in Melbourne today might be lucky to see the completion of the proposed suburban rail loop by the time they’re 32.

But a lot will change between now and 2050.

Here are 40 things we predict will coincide with the brand new rail project when it’s unveiled in three decades.

1. Sam Newman retires from television at 105 while looking suspiciously young.

2. A child is born who could see a St Kilda premiership in their lifetime.

3. The prime ministership has only changed 26 times over eight elections.

4. The iPhone 23 is released. It looks a lot like the iPhone 6.

5. Thinking about cigarettes is outlawed. Doing smack in government safe rooms is a cultural institution.

6. Chadstone Shopping Centre takes up half the Melbourne metropolitan area.

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7. Lovely old high rise apartment buildings are being knocked down to erect brash sky cupboards where people are stowed by the thousand in small boxes to sleep.

8. Somebody finally notices that Tasmania is missing after it probably floated off some time around 2025.

9. Sky Rail is a grand old thing.

10. Everyone has been so distracted by climate change, the alien invaders just walked right in.

11. John Farnham announces his farewell tour.

12. AFL games have ceased being played at tiny suburban grounds like the MCG and Marvel Stadium.

13. Tinder is old fashioned romance. Now it’s just robots.

14. Jeff Kennett reckons he could do a lot better than the current lot.

15. Seniors get teased for still communicating via Facebook.

16. The NBN is completed and heritage listed on the same day.

The NBN rollout in action.

17. Flying cars now mean traffic jams are higher up.

18. Shaun Burgoyne retires.

19. A cup of coffee costs 70 Yuan.

20. Toadie quits Neighbours.

Neighbours veteran Toadie.

21. Docklands is discovered by archaeologists after they get on the wrong tram.

22. The Yarra becomes polluted enough to walk across.

23. Colour blocking is back.

24. The need for a train to the airport is eliminated because Tullamarine is now inner city.

25. Hipsters get as far as Shepparton.

26. It’s now easier living in jail than on the outside. It’s a shame you can’t commit a crime serious enough to go there.

27. The Queen has had her consciousness uploaded to the cloud, forever stalling the reign of Charles.

28. The goal square reaches as far as the centre circle.

29. Laptops are now obsolete by the time they fire up.

30. Texting in the car is legal so long as your phone isn’t driving.

31. Scientists pioneer a new super computer that predicts Melbourne’s weather five minutes in advance.

32. Childcare becomes so expensive it’s cheaper just to sell the kid.

33. Everyone reminisces about the internet.

34. People who were put on hold by Telstra in 2045 are now at the front of the queue.

35. Bosses assure workers their pay rise is just around the corner.

36. Petrol is at $100 a litre but not many people drink it anymore.

37. The 2052 Ballarat Olympic mascots are revealed as Norman Nugget and Crystal Meth.

38. Eddie McGuire is on the $500 note, cementing his dream of being depicted almost everywhere at once.

39. The hunt for vintage Coles Little Shop Mini Collectables leads to several shootings.

40. A new hip start-up prints news stories off the internet and sells them on the street, inventing the newspaper.