Mitchell Toy’s guide to speaking Melburnian

GETTING around Melbourne can be like visiting ten countries in a day. Knowing the differences between the languages of Frankston and Brighton is very important. Here’s your guide to speaking Melburnian.

GETTING around Melbourne can be like visiting ten different countries in a day.

If you’re not asked for your passport before entering Brighton or Toorak, you’ll definitely have trouble conversing in Collingwood and Frankston.

MORE TOY: 12 TYPES OF COMMUTERS TO AVOID

MELBOURNE’S SECRET SOCIETIES

To help the naive traveller traverse the many dialects and linguistic pitfalls of our great city, here is a list of common phrases as they are spoken in different parts of Melbourne.

TOORAK

Hello

Do you work here?

How are you?

Do you know who works here?

What are your hobbies?

Could you help me anyway?

How old are you?

Who’s your surgeon?

Would you like to come for dinner?

Our chef is ill. Will you do it for, what, $50?

DANDENONG

Hello

Hello, officer.

How are you?

What have I done now?

What are your hobbies?

Do you drift?

How old are you?

Need a fake ID?

Would you like to come for dinner?

I would like you to come to a second location so my accomplice can burgle you.

Fitzroy

FITZROY

Hello

Hey.

How are you?

What is your pronoun?

What are your hobbies?

Have I seen you at the craft market?

How old are you?

Listen to Triple J?

Would you like to come for dinner?

Can I come for dinner?

DOCKLANDS

Hello

Hi.

How are you?

Are you lost?

What are your hobbies?

Where are you supposed to be?

How old are you?

How long have you been lost?

Would you like to come for dinner?

The restaurants are a half a kilometre that way.

CARLTON

Hello

Ciao

How are you?

Free glass of wine for the lady if you join us for lunch.

What are your hobbies?

You like pasta? Best pasta here.

How old are you?

Heading to Cinema Nova after this?

Would you like to come for dinner?

Free glass of wine for the lady if you join us for dinner.

Craigieburn.

CRAIGIEBURN

Hello

Is someone there?

How are you?

What are you doing in my house?

What are your hobbies?

Is that a golf club?

How old are you?

I hope you get tried as an adult.

Would you like to come for dinner?

Please stay for five more minutes until the cops get here.

CHADSTONE

Hello

Hi there.

How are you?

It’s 20% off autumn stock today.

What are your hobbies?

Are you on our mailing list?

How old are you?

Do you own any Oroton?

Would you like to come for dinner?

We’re open until 9pm Thursdays.

FRANKSTON

Hello

Hey.

How are you?

What are youse looking at?

What are your hobbies?

Who do you barrack for?

How old are you?

When did ya get that tatt?

Would you like to come for dinner?

Wanna go to Red Rooster?

Brighton

BRIGHTON

Hello

Hello, darling.

How are you?

You look great!

What are your hobbies?

Are you still on with the tennis coach?

How old are you?

You don’t look a day over 50. You’re 45? Oh, right.

Would you like to come for dinner?

We would invite you to dinner, but we’re so busy.

BRUNSWICK

Hello

Hey, brother.

How are you?

You high?

What are your hobbies?

Do you get high?

How old are you?

Remember Space Invaders?

Would you like to come for dinner?

Vegan fondue tonight at ours, crash afterwards.

Collingwood.

COLLINGWOOD

Hello

Will you accept a reverse charges call?

How are you?

Hey I’m in a bit of trouble.

What are your hobbies?

You know that Guitar Hero set we play on?

How old are you?

And that TV I gave you for your birthday?

Would you like to come for dinner?

They were stolen. Can you come and bail me out?

ST KILDA

Hello

Hey dude.

How are you?

Ever noticed how cats seem to stare these days? Really intrusive. Like doors.

What are your hobbies?

Blue. Everything is blue.

How old are you?

Stokehouse looks different, man. Boxy. You got any Charlie?

Would you like to come for dinner?

I’m sleeping on the beach again tonight.

MORE MITCHELL TOY:

GRAND BUILDING PLANS THAT NEVER HAPPENED

VICTORIA’S BEST CONSPIRACY THEORIES

THE ASTOUNDING LIFE OF BUSHRANGER MOONLITE