Melbourne transport: 10 commuter hacks for a better train ride

TRAIN commuting in Melbourne would be a great deal better if there were no other passengers. Unfortunately that’s not possible, so here are the transport tricks no passenger should be without.

TRAIN commuting in Melbourne would be a great deal better if there were no other passengers in the whole city.

But unfortunately, dealing with the follies of others is an inevitability.

Whether it’s fending off undesirable legroom thieves or stealing a free ride from your fellow taxpayers, here is our list of train hacks the (unethical) commuter would never be without.

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MELBOURNE COMMUTE: PLAY THE BOARD GAME

TRASH PANACHE

Always carry litter in your bag. Scatter it on the seat opposite and other commuters will avoid the area, giving you extra leg room. When you take it with you at the end of your journey, other passengers will admire you for cleaning up.

Technically you don’t need to be injured to use crutches, right?

THE $40 SEAT TRICK

Unfortunately you can’t buy a seat on a peak hour train. But you can buy a pair of crutches for $40. Then see who dares leave you standing in the doorway. If it doesn’t work at first, let out a few pained moans to turn up the guilt.

JAG ÄR SVENSK

Get your hands on a guide book about Melbourne, printed in Swedish. This is your free ticket. If an authorised officer asks for your (unvalidated) myki, pull it out and start muttering something incomprehensible. If they persist, give them the address of a city youth hostel in the thickest accent you can muster. There’s no way you’re paying that fine.

DIM SIM ROULETTE

There’s nothing worse than getting stuck near a commuter hell-bent on eating smelly hot food. But it’s amazing what a word of encouragement can do to stamp it out. Tell them you admire their courage and that it’s wonderful to see, despite the recent salmonella scare, they are sticking to their guns and chowing down those dim sims. Their appetite will fade.

IN MEMORIUM

Most of the year it’s impossible to make a weekend train trip without meeting a horde of earnest supporters, screaming the team song with ill-gotten gusto. It’s perfectly OK to join in. In fact, you should be such a passionate supporter of their club that you suggest a minute’s silence for a departed club legend, such as a former coach or captain. The others will have to comply out of respect. Make sure the minute is open-ended.

THE SELFISH STICK

The selfie stick has revolutionised internet narcissism. It will also revolutionise your commute. Slot your myki on to the end of the stick and it becomes a device that lets you reach over the myki barrier and touch it from the other side. Pull it back and touch off again and bingo - your trip is free. This trick only works when you don’t touch on at the start of your trip, and when you have no respect for yourself or others.

Fight back against the spreaders.

SPREAD IT

Getting stuck opposite a hulking knee-spreader with little regard for others’ leg room is a horrid business. Have a fake phone conversation with your boyfriend or girlfriend about how the doctor has just told you the thigh rash is almost certainly clearing up and it should only be a few more weeks before she/he can safely touch your upper legs. Leg room should materialise as if by magic.

PHONE CREEPER

When sitting opposite an inconsiderate stranger who wants nothing more than to carry on loudly on the phone to their crass friend, it will take more than a furrowed brow to make them stop. Maintain eye contact, smile and laugh along to the jokes in the conversation. Match their anecdotes with expressions of shock, eye rolls or giggles. That’ll weird them out. They’ll move or shut up.

IT’S URGENT

A simple accessory such as a satchel bag takes on a whole new importance with a sticker on the side saying “Urgent blood”. You are in such a rush that of course you forgot to touch on and of course you need to get off at Flinders St before everyone else. Of course you should be permitted out of the station without touching off and of course you should remove the sticker before you get to your workplace or class, lest your colleagues start asking questions you can’t answer.

A few hacks can help you avoid cramping your style.

JESUS SAVES

If you’re sick of other passengers pressing against you in the standing-room-only section, you should learn some Psalms. Some Pslams that mention God a lot. Start muttering them under your breath, but loud enough for the space invader to hear you. Get progressively louder if they don’t immediately give you some room. If that still doesn’t work, tell them you’d like to talk to them about Jesus.

Want to make tonight’s trip home more tolerable? Grab yourself a copy of the rebooted mX Zero, brought back to you by Carlton Zero, from 4pm today and the next three Wednesdays. Find it at Southern Cross, Flinders St, Melbourne Central, Flagstaff, Parliament and Richmond stations.

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