Hamish McLachlan: Why Travis Cloke fell out of love with football

MANY of us grew up wanting to play AFL football, but Travis Cloke says it wasn’t all he thought it would be and he never found it entirely comfortable. The former footy star spoke to Hamish McLachlan about the weekly anxiety, the effect of trolls, and breaking down in the change rooms.

MANY of us grew up wanting to play AFL football. But, as they say, be careful what you wish for.

Travis Cloke debuted on Anzac Day as a teenager, was a best and fairest at 20 and would became a much-loved Collingwood premiership player.

But it wasn’t all he thought it would be, and he never found it entirely comfortable.

We spoke about how he fell out of love with the game, the weekly feeling of anxiety, the pressure he placed on himself, the effect trolls had on his mental state, breaking down in the change rooms, asking for help, horses in the kitchen and what’s next.

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Travis Cloke with his daughter, Scarlett, (9 months) on their Kangaroo Ground property. Picture: Jay Town

HM: Trav, you’ve moved out of the city and on to some acres?

TC: I’m based in the Yarra Valley on a lovely and quiet 20 acres. It’s nice to wake up to animals in the backyard. Fair to say life’s a little different to 12 years ago when I was living in Richmond in amongst it all.

HM: Father and husband now — and no peroxide!

TC: I arrived at the Pies as a 17-year-old kid with bleached blond hair when I was still doing year 12! Now, I’m a 31-year-old father, married, with a nine-month old little girl! I couldn’t be happier at the moment, which is great.

HM: Retirement seems to be suiting you.

TC: I was quite lucky — I retired on the 31st of October and my wife gave birth on the 3rd of November, so I didn’t have time to dwell. As soon as it all happened I was straight into being a father, changing nappies and being up at ridiculous hours, so it’s been a blessing. I wasn’t too sure where I wanted to go with football after I retired, but in saying that, in the past 10 months I’ve slowly become involved in development of coaching at the junior level of footy. I’m enjoying football for what it is — a fun game that people play to meet people, to get fit and to have a sense of camaraderie. It’s reignited my love of the game. A club — in some format — is where I want to be in the next stage of my life.

HM: You love footy, but in the end you couldn’t wait to be retired. The game took its toll on you?

TC: It did. It was an unusual one — it’s a game I still love and, at the end, although physically I was great, mentally I was completely burnt out.

HM: What got to you?

TC: The weekly preparation for a game is what killed me in the end. I started fretting on a Wednesday ahead of a Saturday or Sunday game. It was so mentally draining for me, and it was every week, not just the odd one. Every week for 13 years — it just built and built until I couldn’t do it anymore.

HM: The game for you was always more challenging mentally for you than it was physically?

TC: Absolutely. I was kicking a ball around at the age of two, watching Dad and both of my brothers play. The physical I found easy, but the mental side of the game was a different matter. I’m dyslexic, so reading and writing has always been an issue for me, but I could find ways around it. I liked learning how to do it, then teaching myself, so the physical was OK. The social and mainstream media really affected me, though. They are both a huge part of the game now, but they both played a big part in my inability to play well. I would read the comments online in social and under mainstream media articles, and it overwhelms you and almost takes a hold of you.

Travis Cloke talking with then-assistant coach Wayne Carey at Collingwood training as a young gun.

HM: Affected the way you played?

TC: No doubt. Essentially I subconsciously started believing what I was reading, and people who had been bagging me online got into my head and affected my ability to perform.

HM: Disappointing to think that people you’ve never met — and most likely never will — some of whom barrack for your club can make you perform poorly in your day to day.

TC: Amazing, isn’t it. After I would read it I was thinking, “if I don’t perform — what will they write next?”, and then I started underperforming because of the anxiety I created for myself.

HM: Do you feel if you weren’t a social media user, and a weekly reader of the trolls’ work, you’d still be playing?

TC: Maybe … Probably, yeah. It took a huge toll on me a few years back. It’s a strange thing, because I enjoy social media, and I do love it — I’m very active on Twitter and Instagram — and it’s a part of society now, but it’s about the education on how to use it. If I knew how to set up my accounts to stop me from reading certain comments, or prevent me from (seeing) certain users, that would have been fantastic, but I was uneducated in that space and it cost me my confidence, I think.

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HM: You’d get straight on social media after the game when you were still in the rooms. Why would you do it when you knew what a negative affect it had on you?

TC: I’m not sure — it was a vicious cycle. I didn’t realise that social media was having such a negative impact on me until it was too late. You like to see what’s happening and read about the good and the bad in the world, and also in sport, but you can get lost. You get 10 pages deep, flicking through different articles, and all of a sudden something comes up and you’re reading about yourself and you keep on reading when you should just click on to something positive. It was crazy, really.

Travis and Rebeccah with their daughter, Scarlett on their Kangaroo Ground property. Picture: Jay Town

HM: Are you better on it now?

TC: I’m always learning now. I’m doing some stuff with kids at Yarra Valley Grammar, where I was at school, where I’m trying to pass on some knowledge to them about social media and how to use it correctly, not just to use in their sporting life, but their personal life too. How to set it up if they want to go for jobs, how to make things private, how to share things with friends and family, and how to go about things in the right manner.

HM: You would have learnt a lot at Collingwood. What were a few of the key takeaways?

TC: I learnt at an early age that football wasn’t a hobby anymore — it was big business. The year both my brothers were delisted from Collingwood was the year I won my best and fairest. I was only 20, and that was the moment I realised that this was big business. You’ve got to perform, you’ve got to make the most of it while you can, and also, it’s about winning premierships. The club is bigger than the individual, and that’s kind of when I learnt that. It took the fun out of football, but I still loved the game, if that makes sense. It’s just that it went from a fun thing to do with your mates to a very important part of your life that was serious, and meant a lot to too many people not to be solely focused on it.

HM: When did you think you started to feel like you might have a mental health issue?

TC: It was during my last few years at Collingwood. Things weren’t going great on the field, we were losing games of footy and there was a bit of pressure on the club. I took it on my own shoulders a bit and felt our failings were probably my fault. I felt that I needed to perform for the team to win, and then somewhere among all of that I got consumed, and that life got ahold of me, and that’s probably where things started developing for me mentally. And I didn’t know how to manage it.

HM: So when you started feeling low, flat or dark, what would you do to try and combat it?

TC: I was still getting up in the morning and going straight to training, but then I would come straight home. Socialising with friends was out the window, and I removed myself from anything that I did for enjoyment, whether that be riding my motorbike or hanging out with mates. I just cut myself off from society. I didn’t realise that I was doing it until it was almost too late. I’d put so much pressure on myself and the anxiety would get ahold of me to the point where nothing was fun. I was permanently anxious and stressed. It wasn’t a fun way to live. By the end of it you’re not too sure how to get out of it

Picture: Michael Klein

HM: It all came to a head one day at the Whitten Oval?

TC: It did, yeah — I broke down in the change rooms at the Western Bulldogs. After the normal Wednesday session, I just broke down and wept. I was sitting down on my own. I just didn’t think I could get through the week. It all just looked too hard and too much.

HM: It was a major turning point for you, though?

TC: You know, I’ve played numerous games of footy and had some amazing moments, but that’s probably the one singular moment I’m proudest of. It was the hardest thing to do — to actually stand up and say: “This is not normal, I’m not right, and I need help!” It was the most rewarding and most beneficial thing I’ve done in my life, I reckon. I didn’t know where to turn, I just needed someone to point me in the right direction — I needed a shoulder to lean on, to talk about what was happening in my life, and I asked for it. Outside of footy my life was amazing, it was great, but I just couldn’t get my head around what was going on on that football field. But I stood up, and asked for help — and since then, life has been terrific.

HM: That was the middle of last year. What have you found out about yourself since?

TC: It’s been an interesting 12 months. I’ve learnt more about myself as a person in this time than I have in my previous 30 years. I used to be judged as a footballer. Now I stand here as a retired AFL footballer, but I classify myself as a father and husband rather than an AFL footballer. I want to be judged as a person — not a footballer.

HM: You’ve been playing some local footy for Hurstbridge. Have you been getting nervous and anxious playing for them?

TC: Yes, I do — badly. It’s terrible. It does amazing things, this game of footy! For 13 years I played AFL football, so to get nervous playing local football is quite unusual. I have played to just try and help out the local club out and have a bit of fun, but it doesn’t do great things for my health! I stress for the two days leading up to it. I’ll pull the boots on for Hurstbridge again on Saturday, and I sit here speaking to you on Tuesday morning and I’m already getting a little bit nervous about it!

HM: Do you think you get anxious and nervous about playing for Hurstbridge because you’re worrying that you won’t perform as people expect you to, and that’s what brings on the tension?

TC: It’s definitely got a bit to do with that. Part of my anxiety is brought on through my own pressures, and what expectations I have of myself. I want to play well, I want to perform and I want to be the best, but at the same time my reasoning for playing now is purely for enjoyment and fun. It’s a fine line when you’re trying to enjoy something you love so much, but also get an outcome that you want as a side. It does amazing things, and it stresses me out a hell of a lot when it shouldn’t. I can kick a ball with my eyes closed, not always straight, but somewhere in the right direction! It does strange things, and I’m not the nicest person to be around when I get anxious.

HM: Do you reckon you would have suffered mental health issues without football? Do you think if you were an accountant you would have had the same battles at 28, 29, or was it absolutely related to football?

TC: I definitely think it was related to football. What I felt over the past few years is directly related to the effects of football. I think it’s an issue within elite sport at the moment, not just AFL. The analysis and the scrutiny and the weekly evaluations from the media and the public on social — it isn’t healthy, I don’t think.

HM: Just on the ground for a second: what became the most nerve-racking piece of kicking for goal for you?

TC: It’s a funny one. I seemed to miss them from about that 15m range!

HM: When you took a mark 15m out, what was the initial thought?

TC: I was always excited …

Cloke played his final season with the Western Bulldogs. Picture: Michael Klein

Cloke playing against his former teammates. Picture: Michael Klein

HM: Really? Sometimes you looked worried.

TC: No — I wanted the ball. I was always excited every time I had the ball in my hands in front of goal. I thought the more times I have the ball in my hands with a set shot, the better I was going to be, and the more I was going to improve. I was always had that attitude. If I had five shots on goal, I was going to kick three or four of them. It didn’t always work out and I was the furthest thing from perfection when it came to goal kicking, but I always wanted the ball in my hands.

HM: If you went out to Hurstbridge on a Wednesday night by yourself and kicked 10 shots at goal from 40m out directly in front, how many would you kick?

TC: Kicking it 40m might be a little hard at the moment with these old hamstrings! I’d probably hit eight out of 10, and I wouldn’t think twice about it, then you bring yourself into a game and do the exact same thing, and there’s a chance that I’ll miss from 10m out again. I’m really not too sure why it happens!

HM: Isn’t it amazing, the power of the mind? I just can’t believe how the mind can influence the body so dramatically, both positively and negatively.

TC: It’s huge. The mind does amazing things, both good and bad. I find myself reading little things online about the power of the mind and that positive reassurance, and I do believe in positive thinking. Believing that you are the best sometimes can put you in a really good mindset, but also thinking too positively can go the other way too, in that you do set yourself up to fail. It’s a fine line of getting a nice balance between the two. Perspective in my life has changed so much now, having a daughter, a child of my own. To see her smile in the morning is enough to make me feel good. It’s strange. I used to love playing out in front of 100,000 people on a weekly basis, but now, I couldn’t think of anything worse! I prefer to wake up to my daughter, seeing her smile and seeing her laugh. That’s just the person I have become, and I probably always was that person, but I didn’t know that until I had my daughter.

HM: When you were going through your worst moments, how low did you get? What was the worst thought that you had?

TC: I used to dread going to training. It wasn’t the football side or seeing people, it was the idea that I had to play a game of footy again in three or four days’ time. I loved being around the footy club and I loved the environment of a football club. I had amazing friends at both clubs, but it was that thought of, “Wow, I’ve got to pull a jumper on in two days and I’ve got to perform. How am I meant to do that — I can’t do that! How am I meant to get a level mindset that I can do this?” There were times where I definitely didn’t want to play games of footy. I spoke to people at the Western Bulldogs, and that’s when I came to the conclusion that I’d step away from playing for however long I chose. That worked out to be five or six weeks; I still trained. When I came back I just played for fun. I played in the VFL. I spoke to Bevo and said that I didn’t want to be available to play; I wanted to find some kind of enjoyment in the game again. After a while I rolled back into the senior squad for the back end of the year. I wouldn’t say I was pushed out of football, but looking back, I now realise it was the best thing. It was a tough pill to swallow at the time, but it’s been a blessing in disguise and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this transition in my life.

Cloke with new wife Rebeccah on their wedding day.

Cloke says he couldn’t be happier since retiring from footy. Picture: Jay Town

HM: I reckon one of the best moments of last year was during the opening round, Friday night, late in the first quarter. You kicked a long goal and the relief and joy on your face was measurable.

TC: It’s definitely up there in the top few moments of my football career. When the fixture came out and I realised we were playing the Pies in Round One, I thought it was a stitch-up. I was anxious, but I had fun playing in that game. I got to line up on one of my good friends, Ben Reid. I played against my best mate, Goldy (Tyson Goldsack), and that’s something that I’ll never be able to remove from my memory. Playing against those boys is up there with playing in a grand final. When I kicked that goal it was nice, but bittersweet. It was on Reidy! We had a bit of a smile and a laugh about it after the game. That’s what footy should have been about my whole career, not just in those one or two moments.

HM: What would your advice be to a new draftee?

TC: Don’t take yourself too seriously, don’t get caught up in the emotions of being an AFL footballer, and don’t sweat the little things. Make sure you stay close to your friends, your family, the people that have got you to where you are today — be real to them, be honest to them, because they’re the people that will keep you grounded. Always try to enjoy yourself and don’t forget where you came from.

HM: Good advice. Odd one: is it true that there was a horse that used to walk into your kitchen, and it wandered in when the recruiters were there one day, along with Eddie McGuire, talking to the family about getting you to Collingwood?

TC: Yes, I was probably 15 or 16 at the time, living in the family house in Ringwood. His name’s Nugget — he’s still alive! He used to nudge the door open, and on this particular day he wandered through the kitchen, straight into the lounge room, put his head on the bench and grabbed an apple off the table. It is true, it’s not a myth! Eddie was amazed — you never know what’s going to happen at the Cloke household!

HM: If Collingwood plays Richmond this year in the grand final, who’s your dad barracking for?

TC: Ah, interesting. I think he’d barrack for the Tigers. He was at the game last year, proud as punch to see them win it. He wouldn’t tell anyone who he’s going for, but I think deep down he still wears a Tigers jumper close to his heart …. although I don’t think any of his jumpers would fit him these days. All three of his boys are out of the AFL cycle, so he now just enjoys the game for what it is.

HM: Mate, thank you for talking — I’ve really enjoyed it.

TC: It’s been good to talk, actually. I’ve learnt over the last couple of years that it’s easier to be myself than to try and be someone that others want me to be. I should have realised that a while ago. The famous stuff-up with my “smoke and shadows” comment — I was trying to be the Collingwood Footballer, not Travis Cloke, and I got totally tangled and lost in the headlights. It’ll always be on YouTube, I’m sure. As I said, I don’t regret anything in footy. I had some fun along the way and I’ve had some of the biggest stuff-ups on and off the field, but there’s nothing I’d change. Right now I’m pretty content, and I’m just trying to sort out my next move for the 2019 season. Hopefully I’ll end up at a footy club developing and teaching the next generation of kids.

HM: You’re in a good spot — in love and with a healthy child. What more could you want?

TC: Nothing.