Is there a muscle in this man’s body not getting a workout?

Richie Strahan must have a “date pash” clause in his contract for The Bachelor, his mate Sasha Mielczarek reckons. His tongue should send an invoice because it’s working overtime.

It’s a rough ending for The Bachelor “favourite” Keira, who got picked up in a Merc for her single date and sent home in a Renault. (Pic: Supplied)

Another week down and another two episodes of Roger Ramjet and his quest for a “free wheeler” (this means sheila, is that politically incorrect? Can I say that?)

I’ll tell you one thing though, being an onlooker in my mate Richie Strahan’s quest for love is harder than my steel toe cap boots.

True to The Bachelor show’s formula, we kick off week four with inspirational music and a DATE CARD. Love is on the horizon… I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes... love is all around me and so my... Sorry, got sidetracked.

In either case, it’s a single date with a random punter I’ve never seen before but welcome to the show, Rachael?

This date is all about “diversity”. What’s this “diversity”, you ask? I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship. My mate Ron Burgundy explained this to me.

Diversity: a range of different things. Or, if you’re asking Ron Burgundy, “diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era”. (Pic: Supplied)

Richie… Richo… Rich… maaaattteeee… I love you, I really do, but it’s three minutes into the episode and “Wow” has popped from your mouth 20 times already. For the love of The Bachelorette nostalgia and increased vocabulary, bring back “Cool bananas”.

Richie’s lid miraculously disappears and his Ned Kelly (belly) resembles a condom full of walnuts… he’s shredded like Swiss cheese. With his naked torso on display, he says he wants to impress Rachael but then does a backflip that Eric the Eel (Sydney 2000 Olympics, how could you forget?) would even frown upon.

Oh, how I long for the days Richie used “Cool bananas” to express his excitement. Please, bring back the bananas. (Pic: iStock and Kat Hovorka)

In true pirate form, they down some rum and low and behold another girl receives a tongue lashing from Ramjet on a single date. He’s not leaving anything to chance but I have a sneaking suspicion there’s a “will pash on single date” clause in his contract with Warner Bros.

Richie is lured into the bushes by Osher for a special “surprise”. And just when you thought this crazy game of match making couldn’t get any more awkward, things step up a notch with three female intruders.

I’ll give you the hot tip, if Sam Frost had three intruder dudes presented to her while I was on The Bachelorette, I would have been outta there like a wildebeest up a muddy embankment with a croc gnawing on my arse.

There is no way I’d be hanging around with intruders in the house. Like a wildebeest spotting a croc, I’d be outta there! (Pic: iStock and Nicholas Eagar)

Each one of these random girls gets a wham, bam, adventure followed by boring couch time date and I’m shocked to see no-one gets a kiss from Rich…. must have been feeling unwell, or maybe a tongue cramp from overwork.

Girls back at the group date are looking absolutely fantastic however there is no Richie. Clear stitchup, as he’s too busy dating three new punters. Poor buggers are sitting around like a spare part.

Back to Ramjet and the intruders and he finds himself dirt bike riding, quad biking and horse riding. Not sure why the producers have given Sarah helium before her date but none the less, she seems lovely.

Some seriously dangerous activities happening here. Let’s hope the correct safety paperwork was filled out. (Pic: Supplied)

From a risk management point of view, these activities are up there with the best. Hopefully the show has completed their high risk Safe Work Method Statements, risk assessments and have tool-boxed talked all involved as to the risks associated with these various activities.

I was going to commend the producers for finally getting Keira a glass of water because she’d gotten this far without licking her teeth however, just as I’m writing this the windscreen wiper is put into over drive.

Some draw dropping drama goes down. Intruders and peasants and the constant battles for the affection of one man continue to stir the pot. (Pic: Channel Ten)

Kiki and Keira have a chinwag and Keira calls Kiki a peasant. Goes down like a lead balloon.

One of the new girls snags herself a garden hose (rose) and Megan takes the moral high ground and decides she’s out. Very honourable of her and wish her all the best.

A day passes in the real world and we move on to episode eight.

And this, by far, is the biggest blow for me this series. But let’s take it from the top, shall we? There’s a single date with the clue being “up, up and away” and it’s Olena who is the first lucky lady to have two single dates on the books.

Private jet. Shut the front door. I hate to be the comparing/complaining type but on one of my dates for The Bachelorette, Frostie and I had to jump out of a plane that had your typical canteen roller door to enter and exit from.

Richie: “Ha ha... remember those peasants from The Bachelorette in their dodgy little plane? Well, look at me now Sam... I have a PRIVATE jet.” (Pic: Channel Ten)

Olena states that Richie makes her feel safe… might have something to do with his massive chin — which, might I add, will provide good shade in summer and protect her from the sun’s harmful rays. And The Bachelor puts Mudgee on the map, showing off some of the finest produce in NSW. Good to see a country town boosting their tourism with a little sponsorship.

Back at the house and there’s another date card. “Catch me if you can” is the clue... Richie you sly cat, I love playing hard to get. Just kidding, I’ll take anything. Jokes Sam (Frost), love you babe.

He pokes at Olena to get her to open up but she states (on national television) she doesn’t want to feel vulnerable. Fairly interesting statement given the circumstances. Richie dismisses her comments and plants one juicy kiss on her regardless… I actually wrote this line prior to them actually kissing knowing full well that’s what a single date with Roger Ramjet gets you. That man’s tongue is getting more of a workout than his washboard abs. Better look out Richie, your tongue is going to send you quite the invoice because it is working overtime.

Seriously, is there a muscle in this man’s body not getting a workout? (Pic: Supplied)

Ah man… there’s something real fishy about the group date. Osher lets the ladies know they’ll be making some food for the Richmeister … a “fish dish” in his own words: Get some fish, cook up a dish… sounds delish…. Make a wish… yep, extremely bored and taking the piss at this point. Rachael and Noni win but, to be honest folks, I just slipped out to sort out my sock draw, which was more interesting than this date. By the way I’m missing quite a few socks, In all seriousness where do they go? I’ve had a good Captain Cook (look) everywhere and can’t find them.

FINALLY! Keira gets her time with Richo. “Let’s heighten our senses”… This is going to be magic. They will look into each other’s eyes and… I’m tingling with excitement… this is IT guys! The favourite gets her time!

Ramjet wants to see if there’s a future with Keira and I think by the time he drives that vintage Merc out the gates he will have his answer. Nonetheless, Richie says he wants to take her to do something she REALLY wants to do, but I don’t think being miserable and complaining constantly while licking your teeth is an option.

My mate, Richie, you’re a deadset natural at Yoga.

Deadset yoga super star, Richie. (pic: Channel Ten)

Keira knows she knows yoga and makes sure everyone knows, including the yoga instructor who then knows, how much she knows. The date is going really well according to Keira however, I’ve seen horrific concreting jobs that have had a better outcome than this. And then the unthinkable happens. Richie tells Keira that he doesn’t see a future with her. HUGE surprise considering she was the favourite from the get go. This changes everything.

It’s a bit of a boot up the backside considering she got picked up in a Merc, then sent packing in a Renault. But she doesn’t seem bitter at all and exits the show with honour and grace.

Osher fills the girls in on Keira’s exit and the girls do their best to act shocked.

Ramjet swoops on Nikki like a magpie, taking her to Alex’s white rose love nest and Alex gets all law abiding citizen on them both.

Richie and Nikki have a chat and he gives her a kiss just reconfirming my prediction that Nikki takes this out. They’re once again doing a terrible job to disguise the true victor. No rose ceremony, so the girls can rest easy.

Flash to next week and there is a compatibility test and blind folds… now we are talking (creepy smile emoji face).

Until next week don’t read Bachie trash, lend your ears to Sash. Keep it tight and bright!

Sasha Mielczarek was the winner of The Bachelorette with Sam Frost