Richie, if you’re lonely, call me. Don’t go on a dating show

The Bachelor’s Richie Strahan divulged the depths of his soul this week when he told one of the ladies vying for his heart he was “lonely”. His mate, Sasha Mielczarek, has reached out.

The Bachelor, Richie Strahan, divulged the depths of his soul this week when he told one of the ladies vying for his heart that he was lonely. His mate, Sasha Mielczarek, has reached out. (Pic: Supplied)

Week three of The Bachelor and I am sweating like a gypsy with a mortgage. Who is going to win? Is the front runner Nikki? Is the clear favourite Keira or do we have a dark-horse in Olena whose been quiet in recent weeks? Time will tell.

So, here we are and the girls are talking about wanting a date card. It’s such a coincidence that all the cameras are around and the girls are miked up. Weird.

Here’s a little “insider’s knowledge” from my time on The Bachelorette when Sam Frost was the leading lady: those seemingly smooth shots of Osher whipping out his... date cards... actually take about six different set-up camera shots to get right. So you can imagine how the spontaneity of conversation is hard to grab.

Keira is licking her teeth in anticipation of her first single date but single mum Alex is the surprise winner. Some other girl — who I’ve never seen before — talks about not getting a date... producers just let anyone on set, apparently.

Richie “Roger Ramjet” Strahan stands awkwardly like a meerkat leaning against the limo waiting to whisk Alex away to... a dress shop! How lucky are these girls? It’s like Christmas with the amount of presents being thrown out. The lads on The Bachelorette didn’t so much as receive a souvenir T-shirt. I even tried to take some of the Oral B toothpaste from the house but was caught out... spewin!

Alex gets a nice, flashy gown to wear... all I wanted was a tube of Oral B from the mansion. Someone’s playing favourites. (Pic: Channel Ten)

“Alex, you’re a vision” followed by “Wow (awkward laugh)!” Richie, your compliments never cease to amaze me. For all those young stallions out there, take note. In saying this, it is an improvement on “Cool Bananas”, which, might I add is yet to creep into the series. Alex and Richie talk about something else... to be perfectly honest I fell asleep for a bit. Some bloke singing woke me up. Allen Stone. Never heard of him but he’s got a set of lungs on him. Well done, Allen.

Alex looks at Ramjet like he’s a saucy chicken McNugget dipped in sweet and sour. Richie gets scared and kisses her in fear of what will happen if he doesn’t. And then for some of the best series of lines to date. Richie: “Wow.” Alex: “Goodness gracious.” RICHIE: “Well... yeah!”... Well, that wasn’t awkward at all. Ugh... someone get me a froff. Man’s not a camel!

That is one saucy nugget. (Pic: Channel Ten)

Back at Ramjet’s lady palace and everyone is woken to the sound of crying tin lids (kids) in the kitchen. Honestly, I’ve seen footies getting better care and love than some of these poor fabies (fake babies). Noni even picks one up by the head. Parenting 101 eat your heart out. Nikki wins the fabie care challenge so gets to head back to Ramjet’s Bachie pad, without the fabies! Osher must have taken over fabie-sitting duties... great set of hair and a generous bloke that’s what I love about him.

Richie takes care of the tin lids like a pro. (Pic: Roger Ramjet)

I’ve seen this type of scene before, sorry Warner Bros. but you’ve just given away the winner … it’s Nikki. Has to be. Congratulations, Nikki! Really caught me off guard as I thought Kiera was the one.

They kiss... date ends... cocktail time.

Get on your life raft Nikki cause those ladies are coming at you like sharks with knees. Oh no she didn’t! But she did... she tells them about the kiss and I hate to say it but I agree with Keira in that sometimes things are better left unsaid. Alex has a look like someone kicked her dog. Bit painful to watch but hate to mention it to you, ladies... you’re all dating the one fella. His name is Ramjet... Richie Ramjet.

Alex, we get it, you both kissed the same bloke. But it’s not like Nikki kicked your dog. (Pic: Channel Ten)

Eliza makes a blue velvet rose for Richie... the lady has stolen my move but I can still feel good cause it’s nothing like the limp rose I made for Frostie (you’re welcome babe). Richie thinks it’s special and his chin hits the floor with surprise. Wait... he just tilted his head forward. That is one glorious chin, buddy. But it’s not enough and Eliza hits the frog and toad (road). And we’re on to episode SIX!

Osher whips out two date cards to get the show rolling: “Why have one when two is more fun?” Oh, Osher, settle down there big fella! What about the date cards? (creepy smile emoji face).

Thought I’d fallen asleep and hit the remote and woken to the Olympics but... no... it’s ROJER RAMJET (AKA Eric the Eel) running in to light a small backyard fire pit in an Olympic style opening ceremony.

Roger Ramjet, he’s our man... hero to our nation. (Pic: Channel Ten)

The ladies try their hand at archery. Keira provides nothing but positive reinforcement. Faith gets a little too excited when she sees the giant zorb balls: “definitely made my day seeing those big balls”. Good grab, producers, you clever little go getters!

Hold up, now things are getting exciting... improvised Gladiator-style, the girls have to sort out a winner by a good old fashioned fight to the death in a roo suit. That old chestnut! Keira and Faith face off in the final and you can’t wipe the smile off Keira’s face she’s thrilled... wrapped like a present. Faith wins. She’s off on a romantic date in the middle of a synthetic grass training facility.

Keira never looked happier to be in a roo suit, about to take on another roo to win Richie’s heart. (Pic: Channel Ten)

Again Richie doesn’t waste any time and unleashes the tongue on Faith’s face! But before he can wipe her saliva off his chin, he’s flying Kiki off in an MD500 black ops... whatever the hell that is. In either case they land in a paddock and have a produced chin wag.

Back to the mansion, Keira reckons Kiki is a bogan but I disagree and in the words of Paul Hogan (rhyming now as well, Sash, too good) “that’s not a bogan... this is a bogan”

You call Kiki a bogan? This (Joe Dirt) is a bogan. (Pic: Channel Ten/Joe Dirt)

Back to Kiki and Richie says he’s lonely. Mate. Give ME a call big fella, you didn’t need to go on a dating show. I got an extra squeeze in the cooler for you.

Kiki gets a rose and it’s Cocktail party time... woop woop!

Keira is in fine form at the cocktail party. While Alex is aching for Ramjet to take her to his secret spot, he whisks away Keira in order to “validate their feelings for each other”. Oh man, this is a roller coaster. Maybe I should trust my gut and just accept Keira wins, even despite her wobbly boot when they have a dance... she’s had at least 25 froffs and giving it a red hot crack. Good on her!

Alex turns Grade-A clinger while Richie is speaking with Nikki. Gets a bit: “don’t ever leave me … cause I’ll find you” type thing!

No matter where you go... who you’re with... I will find you. (Pic: Channel Ten)

Producers keep Keira in and I’m surprised she still has enamel on her teeth the amount of times her tongue has caressed those pearly whites! Sasha doesn’t receive a rose... not surprised but I did tell you there’s only room for one Sasha in this franchise.

In the coming weeks it shows another 3 girls getting thrown in to the bullpen and something about roses and dates! Yewwwwwww

Don’t listen to Bachie trash, lend your ears to Sash. Until next week keep it tight and bright!