Hey Richie, I know I won Sam Frost from you. But all the best, mate

The Bachelorette winner, Sasha Mielczarek, has poked fun at Richie Strahan’s first kiss as The Bachelor in his hilarious recap. He says the one he shared with Sam Frost was much more “aggressive”.

Sasha Mielczarek found true love with Sam Frost on The Bachelorette. Now he hopes Richie Strahan can do the same. (Pic: Network Ten)

I’m back, baby! Well sort of. Instead of fighting off 13 other punters for a date, this time I get to watch and commentate as my good mate Richie Strahan, aka Roger Ramjet, heads back to the battlefields for season four of The Bachelor.

For those of you who don’t remember me, I’m the bloke who won the heart of the beautiful Sam Frost on The Bachelorette, not the bloke who blew high range on TV show RBT.

This past year has been a whirlwind, with life as I knew it certainly changing. I’ve been as busy as a blowfly at a barbecue, but I’m stoked to be able to share my thoughts with you on The Bachelor. You deadset wouldn’t read about... until now!

Roger Ramjet is The Bachelor ... you wouldn’t read about it. (Pic: Supplied)

It’s great to see Osher’s hair again, which is still on point and it seems he’s been working out since we wrapped up The Bachelorette — his top button on his suit jacket isn’t even breaking a sweat.

Doesn’t the new pad look incredible? We must have had the tight-a*se option because Richie’s kingdom makes the house we stayed in look like a garden shed.

Also, I’ve seen the promos and they get Ferraris, we had Citroens. I saw yachts for Richie... I got a water taxi to one of my dates. Dresses and presents are given out... we got doughnuts (nothing).

Anyway, back to Richie, here comes his chin... followed by the rest of him looking quite suave in his “bowl of fruit” (suit). Geeze, we see him more times with his lid off than not and he’s obviously been in the “Kath and Kim” because he’s cut like a picnic lunch. He’d be sweating bullets meeting all these beautiful ladies.

Someone’s been in the Kath and Kim — aka the gym. (Pic: News Corp)

I remember my time waiting at the top of the hill before meeting Frosty for the first time and I’d had a couple of froffs (beers) beforehand to ease the tension. They made us wait for about two-and-a-half hours and all I could think about was saying a quick hello then running to the toilet.

I’ve picked my winner after episode one. Keira definitely has this in the bag. She’s “fun, successful and pretty much the whole package”. Seriously, I was going to buy some tickets but it looks like they’re all sold out. Also, how good is sarcasm?

Richie... maaaaate... you need to loosen up. It appears as if “Cool Bananas” has been replaced with “Wow!” as your go-to comment. I’ve deadset lost track after “Wow!” popped out 480,000 times in your first conversation with Megan from Perth (possibly could be the bread winner). I get it though, she is stunning and she seems like she’s got her head screwed on.

Highlight of Episode One: Bacon and how she swooped on Richie like a magpie and Sasha. Oh Sasha, I know the rose ceremonies are long but resorting to eating the roses is not the answer. But hey, you’re an affordable date — flowers and dinner in one.

Episode two and Richie arrives in style to his first single date in, no, not the Citroen from our series, but a helicopter. A friggin helicopter. We didn’t even get that at the end of The Bachelorette. He greets Nikki with that awkward laugh, but, surprisingly, no cool bananas or any type of banana for that matter... it’s just a matter of time. He can’t hold it back forever.

Well that’s a bit of a step-up from the ol’ Citroen. Richie is moving up in the world. (Pic: The Bachelor/Network Ten)

I can see Ramjet has been taking some dating tips from me. “Do you come to Sydney often?” he asks Nikki. Classic opening line, Richie! Their date is on a private beach with no interruptions… Oh, except for 500 cameramen and producers.

“Crikey!” there goes the champagne cork along with a cheeky little tribute to Steve Irwin, nice Richie. Nikki, the lucky lass, gets a high five. He doesn’t give those out too often.

Back in the house and excitement… there’s another card. Keira thinks it’s a crime to smile so keeps up her best blue steel. She’s still the obvious favourite. Haha, every time I write that I laugh.

Front runner Keira will win hearts with her blue steel. (Pic: Supplied)

Down on the beach with Nikki and surprise Richie has his lid off. That didn’t take long. There are coconuts to crack, so he whips out his machete... bit early for that don’t you think, Richo?

Nikki spills the beans on her previous engagement. Honesty is a big winner. She seems lovely. She’s my favourite and the number one draft pick to take this out. Plus, it’s the first date Nikki has ever been on.

Shut the front door... she gets the first kiss. It’s not as aggressive as myself and Sam as he keeps the iguana in check (that’s tongue, settle down you lot).

But it’s the first nonetheless. Well. Played. Nikki. And she keeps it quiet from the other ladies, which is a smart move. I never disclosed my kiss with Sam to the lads, but I copped a heap of stick when the boys watched the season.

Nice work on your first kiss, Richie. But it’s got nowhere near as much heat as Sam and me. (Pic: Supplied)

Group date time. OK, Eliza, calm your farm. We don’t want anyone wetting themselves this early on. Kiki is obviously in her element... nothing fake about her though, that’s what I love. The group date girls meet Richie and somehow his shirt has fallen off, again. Wardrobe must have lost the suitcase with Richie’s clothes in it.

Hold on… who’s this girl? I haven’t seen her before. Old, but what a stunner. A red 1959 Cadillac convertible... she’s beautiful! Much to my dismay the car is cast aside and single mum Alex stars as she begins to be painted as the favourite. Unfortunately, I think it’s a ploy, because Keira is clearly the favourite.

Olena scores the second single date and goes for a ride on Richie’s motorbike. Impressive motorbike skills, Richie, good use of the indicator. Although, having behind-the-scenes experience, this may be a trick to convince everyone in to thinking that Richie rode Olena the whole way. The reality of it is that Richie probably rode the first and last 200m.

How was the ride buddy? Did you go far on that hog? (Pic: The Bachelor/Network Ten)

These two get on the topic of family and kids and turns out Richie wants a couple of “tin lids”. Then the cheeky bugger takes Olena back to his sleeping quarters… for a swim (creepy wink face). Another ploy to get his top off again, no doubt. I thought the producers would be more sun smart and put a skivvy on the big fella. Don’t forget... slip, slop, slap everyone!

Richie’s “Wow!” count is exponentially increasing. Olena seems to genuinely want to know a lot about Richie, which knowing Richie, would mean a lot to him.

Alex whips out her magic white rose and the girls are seething, none more so than front runner Keira. She’s fuming but I think she’s had a few too many “pigs ears” (beers). No more drinks for Keira, please.

Regardless, she gets through to the next round. I’ll give her one thing, she is entertaining. No rose for montage girls Laura and Mia but they leave with their heads held high. Good sports.

Until next week, keep it tight and bright.