So, The Bachelor thinks he can dance? This, is a dance
The Bachelorette winner, Sasha Mielczarek, dishes out his wisdom and behind-the-scenes knowledge while watching his mate Richie Strahan search for love.
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So here we are again, week two of the desperate dating show that is The Bachelor but this time instead of putting in the hard yards as one of those desperates, I’m kicking back, feet up, pigs ear (beer) in hand, critiquing and talking absolute showbags.
You’re in for a real treat this week because the episodes are off chops like a vegetarian. It started with all the girls coincidently sitting around the pool having a chin wag when… with absolutely NO prompting from producers, Osher appears and whips out his… date card. Now for all you readers, there is a trick to how the card is secured to Osher’s posterior but I won’t reveal the secret until one of my much later columns. And that, my friends, is called a hook.
Megan is the lucky lass who scores a single date with Richo, who rocks up in an Aston Martin… a far cry from the Citroens we had on The Bachelorette.
What is it with this show and heights? Richie and Megan have their date on a platform dangling 480,000 metres in the air from what looks to be a 200T Liebherr Mobile Crane owned by Gillespie Cranes. Don’t ask me how I know this but maybe it's the massive logo plastered front and centre as the camera pans past. In saying this, it’s a great choice of crane with good lifting capacity.
Richie and Megan are secured on the platform by some type of fancy rope arrangement disguised under their clothes. Being a rope technician, Richie has probably rigged this up himself. He’s a doer. While we are on that, can someone actually tell me what a rope technician does? Is he the bloke at the front of the nightclub with a clip board letting people through the rope chain? So confused.
Megan pours her heart out to Roger Ramjet and he responds with a heartfelt “thanks”. Bit disappointed she didn’t score a high five, a la date number one with Nikki (I’m backing her as the winner, people) but in either case, they’re off the crane and find themselves in another location. Barry White, massage oil... all the fruit. The scene is set. They talk a bit of shop and then Richie gives Megan a rose, they lean in... faces get closer... annnnnnd… oh no! Richie’s chin gets in the way and Megan puts on a side step that would rival that of Benji Marshall and a sure kiss goes begging. A piece of tumble weed floats by and it’s that awkward, I actually just put a pillow on my face.
Richie is sweating like a rum can at a ute muster but the big fella regains composure and smacks what is possibly the best kiss on the show to date. Well presented. Execution spot on. And Richie’s parting comment an absolute ripsnorter...“that was really nice”.
Group date and it’s roller derby time… what a cracker! Here comes Ramjet in a leftover costume from Mad Max. Clearly he’s been skipping leg day at the gym. Never skip leg day, bro. Osher explains you’re a blocker or a jammer while front runner Keira licks her teeth. Then the sumo suits come out and Keira could not be happier, showing her joy with another lick of the teeth. Poor thing, someone get the girl a glass of water. Tolyna is as serious as a heart attack as she dominates for the blue team and gets the win. Richie tried to show off his skating prowess but looks like a pigeon with its wings clipped.
Back at Richie’s man pad and the main man whisks Alex away for a private chat to their special white rose spot. Nice suggestion from the producers to stir the pot with the other girls and it works — the pot gets officially stirred.
Quick Question Richie: Is it awkward when you call Sasha’s name during the rose ceremony? Do you picture my massive melon? Deadset, head for radio I do. Really, I’m still a bit devo there’s a new Sasha in the franchise.
But wait, there’s more... Episode Four
Surprise, there’s a date card. It’s for Faith and she’s told things will be “shaken not stirred”. It’s evident Keira, clear favourite for the win, is dirty it’s not her by the way, so she licks her teeth.
Here comes Bond, Richard Bond on a boat with aptly themed music as he conveniently puts his sunnies on as the camera is rolling. I do hope he has his boat licence because Water Rats might be after him if not. Plus, someone think of the poor film crew having to hide under the seats of that little boat.
The show turns to an educational piece as Richie gives Faith the 101 in boat etiquette… something about drinking port or… sorry, I phased out to be honest. They head to sink some froff and find themselves at a bar manned by Dennis, the “best bartender in the world” (Richie doesn’t like to over promise, that’s what I love about him). But instead of pouring drinks, he just throws bottles around. I’d be dirty. I would want a froff on arrival, man’s not a camel, Dennis.
There’s another group date announcement, Keira is announced and isn’t she thrilled. A lick of the teeth confirms this. Those sneaky producers are playing Keira like a banjo, keeping her away from the single dates.
Back with Faith and LO and BEHOLD Richie’s shirt is missing... again… I have to give it to the big fella though, he’s still cut like a picnic lunch. Faith and Richo get it on in the pool… I’m talking about their basketball game, followed by a cheeky pigs ear. Marketing is the real winner here.
Hold the phone. Ramjet goes in for yet another kiss and its three from three, he’s not holding back. Single date = guaranteed licking faces.
Group date time and it’s ballroom dancing. Richie strolls in wearing some sharp threads, looking the goods. Keira licks her teeth for an extended period of time. Keira partners up with Richie but she’s got a sore rocky boulder (shoulder) and is told to have a tea spoon of cement and harden up.
Georgia steps up to dance with Ramjet and you wouldn’t read about it… she’s forgot her pants. Keira wins one on one time and the other girls are as mad as a cut snake. The couple get in a horse and cart — probably what they’ll use on their wedding day. The warm air is certain to make her teeth much drier so the licking may step up a notch.
On a side note and I’ll give you the hot tip, it’s good to be a bloke these days given the female banter behind each other’s backs.
Keira and Richie dance with some type of orchestra with weird guitars and a bow and arrow. It’s a good dance but it’s got doughnuts (nothing) on the tango I did with Sam last year! How hot was that babe? Talk to me!
It’s a bit painful watching the girls back at the kingdom discussing whether or not Keira will come home... brings back memories from The Bachelorette when we were made to sit around for sometimes two hours talking about whether or not they would be coming home. Spoiler: They always come home.
Cocktail party drama, then the rose ceremony. Now these things take ages. I’m talking about 10 minutes per rose while cameras get the shot of Ramjet looking nervous, some heavy breathing, hand movements, picking up rose, looking down, looking up... painful!
Two more girls get the boot. Preview of what’s to come: There’s a couple of tin lids (kids), Keira still licking her teeth and some other stuff.
That’s it from me, don’t read Bachie trash, lend your ears to Sash. Until next week keep it tight and bright.
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